


Playing the Hero

by MeganRachel09



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Hogwarts Sixth Year, Marauders, Marauders Friendship, Marauders' Era, Mutual Pining, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-17
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-01-09 00:23:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 46,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1139244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeganRachel09/pseuds/MeganRachel09
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James Potter never thought he would be found guilty of a prank he didn't actually commit. When he realizes that Lily Evans may secretly be Hogwarts' greatest prankster, however, he finds he doesn't mind taking the fall for her, especially when she turns out to be unexpectedly enthusiastic in her gratitude. His only hope is that it all ends up being worth the punishment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Bet

The night after the full moon finds one sixth-year James Potter alone in the Gryffindor common room surrounded by textbooks and half-full scrolls of parchment. He has three separate two-foot-long essays due the next day in Transfiguration, Potions, and Charms and a foot-long due in both Herbology and Arithmancy. Normally, he would be finished the bulk of his homework by now, but he was out all the previous night running around the Forbidden Forest as an enormous stag with his giant black dog of a best mate, Sirius Black, and their two other best friends, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, as a werewolf and a rat respectively. As such, he slept most of his day away and, upon waking in the late afternoon, set to work immediately. Now, at nearly one o’clock in the morning, he is finally _almost_ finished.

With a sigh, he sets his quill down and pushes his glasses up into his hair so he can rub his tired eyes with one hand and pulls his Arithmancy textbook closer with the other. He is blinking, exhausted, when the sound of the portrait hole swinging open has him snapping to attention. He starts to rise from the chair he’s seated in at one of the common room study tables, half expecting to find Remus returning from the Hospital Wing, though why Madam Pomfrey would have sent him back in the middle of the night is beyond him.

It isn’t until he’s halfway across the room that he realizes it isn’t Remus slipping into the common room. Rather, someone with red hair and nervous, worried green eyes is making their way towards him. James stops abruptly, staring in shock at the newcomer who has yet to notice him.

“Evans?” Lily comes to a sudden halt at the sound of his voice, her eyes focusing on him and hardening immediately. James’s eyebrows furrow in confusion as he looks her over and notices that she’s breathing hard. “What the hell are you doing out after curfew?”

“I… Rounds,” Lily says, standing up straight and looking him in the eyes. “What are you still doing awake, Potter?”

“Homework.” James gestures to the pile of books and papers at the table he just vacated, not turning away from her. “Don’t you usually do rounds with Remus?”

“He’s…” Lily falters, looking at him cautiously and then glancing out the window over his table. James isn’t surprised to see that she’s looking at the nearly-full, waning moon; Remus has voiced his suspicion that Lily is aware of his condition several times before. “…ill,” she finally says, looking back at James, who nods.

“Yeah, he is. That’s why I was heading over… I thought you would be him.” James nods towards the portrait hole. “Why are you winded?”

“What?"

“You’re breathing heavy, like you’ve been running.” James frowns and makes a move to touch her, to help her to a seat, anything, but Lily’s eyes flash defensively and she steps aside. “Evans, did something happen on your rounds?”

“No, Potter. And it’s none of your business,” Lily says, her voice hard as she walks around him swiftly and heads for the girls’ dormitory.

On a long sigh, James shakes his head and sits back down in his deserted chair. He has just picked up his quill again, his free hand burying itself in his hair as he stares blurrily down at his Arithmancy textbook, when Lily speaks, alerting him to the fact that she hasn’t left yet.

“Forgetting something, Potter?”

James drops his quill again and turns in his chair to face her, seeing that she’s got one foot on the bottommost step and is looking back at him. “Er, I don’t think so, no.” Still, he runs through the list of essays due tomorrow: Transfiguration, Charms, Potions, Arithmancy, and Herbology. “Merlin, please tell me we don’t have anything due in Defense.”

“No, I didn’t mean…” Lily raises her eyebrows at him and shakes her head. “Are you not going to ask me out?”

“Wasn’t planning on it,” James says lightly, though his heart is beating quicker now. He’s asked her out dozens of times –probably nearly a hundred, to be honest– and she’s turned him down each and every time without a thought. Could it be that the one time he doesn’t ask her out, she would say yes? “Did you want me to?”

“Heavens no!” Lily laughs at the mere thought. “I just can’t remember the last time I saw you that you didn’t ask me out. I had a rather brilliant insult planned.”

James frowns at her, his eyebrows drawing together. Great, he didn’t even ask her out and he’s still being turned down. Suddenly, he is angry, but that could just be because he doesn’t want to admit, even to himself, that he’s so fucking _hurt_ by her careless attitude towards him. He turns away from her and slams his Arithmancy book shut, his essay pressed flat between the pages. With a flick of his wand, all of his books arrange themselves in a neat stack which he gathers into his arms as he stands abruptly from his seat.

“Potter?” Lily asks when he’s nearly to the staircase leading up to the boys’ dormitory. He can’t blame her for being confused. This is usually the point where they would either be screaming at the top of their lungs or she would be stalking away from him, annoyed. It must be strange for her to see him stalking away; he has to admit it’s strange for him to _be_ the one stalking away.

“What, Evans?” he asks harshly. If it weren’t so late, if he weren’t so stressed out, if she hadn’t just baited him into almost asking her out just to crush him all over again, he thinks he would just brush off the whole exchange. But it is late, and he is stressed, and he is humiliated and crushed, so he can’t just brush himself off. “You think I _like_ being shot down every damn day? You think this is a stupid game to me? Well, it’s not; these are my damn feelings you’re trampling on all the time, Evans. I know I laugh and I joke and I pretend I don’t have them, but I do have feelings and you hurt them _all the time_ and I’m tired of it!”

“Potter!”

“No, I’m terribly sorry to disappoint you, but you won’t get the chance to humiliate me any further because I’m just so done with allowing it,” James says. He pauses when he reaches the boys’ staircase and turns to look at her. “Although, I can’t imagine you coming up with a more humiliating response than that you’d rather date the Giant Squid. That one really hurt.”

Before she can form a response and goad him into an actual shouting match, James turns and hurries up the staircase to his dormitory, where he is careful not to wake Sirius who, he knows from experience, is awful to deal with when disgruntled from lack of sleep. Peter, on the other hand, is near impossible to wake up, so he sets himself up a study area on the floor next to Remus’s bed, which is as far from Sirius’s bed as he can manage to get. Still exhausted and stressed, but now frustrated and angry on top of that, he sets back to work.

* * *

Remus meets them at breakfast, looking tired and pale and weak. James studies the dark circles under his friend’s eyes with disdain, which he knows is unfair; Remus’s transformations are very rough on him and James knows that Remus has not been relaxing in the Hospital Wing, but he also knows that Remus probably enjoyed a full night of dreamless sleep thanks to Madam Pomfrey’s potions. James, on the other hand, didn’t get a single moment’s sleep. But he did finish his homework, so he can at least feel accomplished about that.

“What are we doing all the way down here?” Remus asks, his voice rough and raw from a mixture of disuse the previous day and all the screaming and howling he did two nights ago.

“Followed Prongs,” Sirius says with a mild shrug through a mouthful of food.

Remus turns to look at James curiously. Usually, the Marauders sit in the very center of Gryffindor table, but when James entered the Great Hall, Lily and her friends were seated across from the spot he and his friends usually occupy. Still hurt and angry with her from her callousness a few hours ago, James had taken the spot farthest from her, which just so happened to be near the Head Table 

“Felt like a change of scenery,” James says lightly when he realizes that Remus is still waiting for his explanation. Eager to change the subject, James shoves a triangle of toast in his mouth. Disgusted at his lack of manners, Remus turns away from him to begin fixing his own plate.

He is about to ask Peter to pass him the Pumpkin Juice when, out of the corner of his eye, he catches sight of Professors McGonagall and Slughorn entering the Great Hall in a flurry of disappointed fury. Her gaze sweeps the table angrily and James feels a moment of pity for whoever she is searching for. James knows the look on her face; it means harsh punishment. He has never been so thankful to have had nothing to do with whatever’s got her so angry. That could be because he has never had nothing to do with what’s made her angry, though.

When Professor McGonagall’s eyes meet his, the flash of victory in her eyes has his eyebrows drawing together. He is used to her looking at him in such a manner, but he is not used to being innocent under that gaze.

“Mr. Potter, Mr. Black.” Professor McGonagall comes to a halt right in front of them. “I’ll have a word with you.”

James looks at Sirius who, to someone who knows Sirius as well as James does, looks just as confused as James feels, though he attempts to cover it with his characteristic laziness.

“Of course, Professor,” James says, and turns to face her again. “What is it?”

“You boys,” this time, she includes Peter and Remus in her critical glance, “wouldn’t know anything about a reprehensible prank pulled in the Slytherin common room last night, would you?”

“What was done?” Remus asks curiously.

“All of the Slytherin decorations were turned into Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw paraphernalia and the dormitory staircases were removed,” Professor Slughorn supplies, looking as if he’s struggling to seem disapproving. James, however, suspects he’s actually quite impressed by the perpetrator’s antics.

“Removed?” Peter repeats, blinking thoughtfully. “You mean turned into slides? Like the Gryffindor girls’ stairs if a boy tries to go up?”

Unless, of course, said boy happens to know a way around that certain enchantment like all of the Marauders do.

“No, Mr. Pettigrew. Removed. Vanished. As in, there was no way for the Slytherin students to get from their dormitories to the common room.” Professor McGonagall makes a sweeping gesture behind her and James realizes for the first time that the Slytherins are just now making their way into the Great Hall, looking quite disgruntled.

“That’s brilliant,” James mutters, laughing quietly at the Slytherins who give the Gryffindor table a harsh glare.

“Are you lot really pleading innocence?” Professor McGonagall looks between all four Marauders severely. When none of them says anything to the contrary, Professor McGonagall shakes her head. “We _know_ it was a Gryffindor.”

“What makes you _think_ it was a Gryffindor?” Sirius asks, carelessly stuffing another sausage in his mouth. “Lots of people have problems with a ton of Slytherins.”

“This, Mr. Black, is what tells us that a Gryffindor is responsible!” Professor McGonagall says, her voice sharp with unsuppressed fury, as she produces a scarlet and gold scarf from the pocket of her robe. “The perpetrator dropped _this_ in the Slytherin common room.”

“Rookie mistake,” Peter says quietly, shaking his head. James chuckles at that.

“Did you three,” Professor McGonagall brandishes the scarf at James, Sirius, and Peter, clearly omitting Remus because of his stay in the Hospital Wing, “have anything to do with this?”

“No,” James says as Sirius wrinkles his nose when the offending material is passed in front of his face. James knows Sirius is more offended at the insinuation that the _Marauders_ would be careless enough to accidentally leave evidence behind when they didn’t want to be caught than the fact that they are being blamed for something they didn’t do. Truthfully, James feels the same way.

“Unfortunately. Sounds like a brilliant prank,” Sirius mumbles, glaring at the Slytherin table behind Professor McGonagall.

“You three expect me to believe that you had nothing to do with this immature prank on the Slytherins?” Professor McGonagall is shaking she is so upset by the dishonor this prank has caused Gryffindor.

“Professor, do you really think that they would be careless enough to drop a scarf at the scene of the crime? After all our years of experience?” Remus butts in logically, giving Professor McGonagall pause.

“Perhaps not,” Professor McGonagall says, and then turns to face the whole table. “If the perpetrator does not step forward, I will be forced to discover them myself!”

James glances down the table; predictably, no one steps forward. Professor McGonagall draws her wand and points it at the scarf.

“Very well. I suppose I will have to perform a Revealing Spell on this scarf, at which time it will return to its owner.”  Professor McGonagall pauses, looking strictly at her pupils. “You have one more chance to come forward. If you choose not to, your punishment will be ever more severe.”

Raising one curious eyebrow, James looks down the table once more as Professor McGonagall begins to mutter a spell.

He makes eye contact with Lily Evans and sees the pure terror in her eyes and remembers her returning to the common room, winded, looking a bit afraid. He had thought that someone had bothered her on her rounds, but could she have just been nervous after having acted out of character? Could she have pulled this prank on the Slytherins? He remembers her leaving the common room the night before, significantly earlier than she had returned. She had been wearing a scarf. He thinks back to when she had come crawling back through the portrait hole, trying to remember if she was wearing her scarf. He was exhausted and stressed and not as observant as he usually is, so he doesn’t know for sure, but he would be willing to bet that she wasn’t. He would put a hundred galleons down that when McGonagall finishes her spell, that scarf will go flying straight for Lily Evans. The look on her face confirms it for him.

He doesn’t know why he does it; he’s trying to get over her, isn’t he? He’s brassed off at her, and he’s hurt by the way she treated him last night, the way she always treats him. But he still doesn’t want her to get in trouble. He knows how much her perfect record means to her. He knows how badly she wants to be Head Girl next year.

He really shouldn’t do it, doesn’t even think of doing it. But, before he can register his own thought process, he is on his feet and leaning across the table, plucking the scarf from McGonagall’s hands just as it starts to levitate and move away from her.

 _Idiot_. He should have just let her deal with the consequences of her own stupid actions. But he’s so bloody in love with her he can’t do that to her.

Feeling a fool, he sighs and wraps Lily’s scarf around his neck; it smells like her, like an odd mix of peppermint and lavender. He closes his eyes for the briefest moment, letting the scent wash over him, before he faces McGonagall and shrugs carelessly. “You’ve found me out.”

“Mr. Potter. But…” Despite the fact that she was, seconds before, willing to blame this prank on the Marauders with no proof, Professor McGonagall looks surprised. It probably has something to do with the shocked and disbelieving looks on his friends’ faces.

“James?” Peter whispers.

“No. You’re not green enough to drop your _scarf_.” Sirius shakes his head firmly. After a moment’s consideration, he cocks his head thoughtfully. “Unless you did it on purpose.” He glares accusingly at James. “You’re playing dirty!”

“What on earth are you on about, Mr. Black?” Professor McGonagall demands. When Sirius doesn’t answer, she looks to Remus for answers.

“You’re trying to win the bet!” Peter exclaims, pointing wildly at James before Remus has the chance to explain.

The bet! James struggles to keep his face blank, knowing that the slightest movement will let his friends know that he had completely forgotten about their stupid bet until they brought it up. If they realize that this has nothing to do with their bet, they will demand answers from James and, as close as he is with these three boys, James is dreadful at lying to them. So he keeps his face blank and his mouth shut

“What bet?” Professor McGonagall practically shouts.

“James and Sirius have a bet going.” Remus sighs, casting his eyes to the enchanted ceiling, which promises a sunny day outside. “It’s idiotic, really. Whoever manages to receive more detentions by the end of the year wins the bet.”

“And fifty galleons.” Sirius crosses his arms over his chest, still glaring at James. “This shouldn’t count. You can’t _frame_ yourself. Honest detentions only!”

“That wasn’t one of the original stipulations,” Remus points out.

“Of course it wasn’t! It seems obvious, doesn’t it? I didn’t think I’d need to tell my own best mate not to cheat!”

“It’s not cheating if there’s no rule against it. I know you’re dead even now and, while this is sure to rocket James in the lead, I say it counts.” Peter shrugs when Sirius glares at him, and both of them turn expectantly to Remus.

“I’m sorry, Sirius, but I have to agree with Peter.” Remus holds up a hand before Sirius can complain. “If you wish to make an addendum to the rules, we can all convene at a later date to discuss and decide. As it is now, the ruling stands. Whatever number of detentions James is about to receive will count towards the bet.”

Sirius gapes for a moment before slamming his hands down on the table. “Fine. Fine!” He stands quickly and faces James. “I’ll not be proposing any rule changes, but rest assured, the game is on, Prongs.”

With that said, Sirius turns on his heel and stalks rather dramatically out of the Great Hall, his robes billowing out behind him.

“Where is he going?” Professor McGonagall asks weakly.

“If I had to guess, I’d say he’s off to plot something that will earn him more detentions than I’m about to receive,” James says, finally speaking now that he’s relatively sure his friends won’t demand answers from him.

“I was afraid of that.” Professor McGonagall sends a troubled look after Sirius.

“How many detentions am I about to get?” James asks. Now that he’s over the shock of the knowledge that _Evans_ pranked the Slytherins, he is eager to hear his punishment. As boring and awful as detention can be, he hopes however many she assigns him, it’s enough to secure him victory in the bet.

“I’ve yet to decide. We’ll discuss it in my office, Mr. Potter.” Professor McGonagall gestures for him to follow her as she sweeps out of the Great Hall. He makes to follow her, carefully avoiding Lily’s gaze, and swears he hears McGonagall murmur under her breath, “Gryffindor was such a delightful House to Head before you lot were sorted in.”

* * *

It is still light out when he returns to the Gryffindor common room, but it feels like it should be the middle of the night. He plans to head straight for bed when he gets there, but is tackled immediately upon entry. All twelve stones of Sirius Black settles on James’s back. With a grunt muffled by the floor, James jams his elbow in his best mate’s side. Groaning, Sirius rolls off of him and James stands quickly, smoothing out his robes. He ignores the crowd that has gathered in the common room and holds down a hand to help Sirius to his feet as Remus and Peter make their way through the crowd toward them.

He hasn’t gotten a chance to explain to his friends what happened after McGonagall led him out of the Great Hall. He arrived to his first class late after receiving his punishment, and they were all kept incredibly busy in all of their classes. James even had to miss lunch to get started on the first part of his punishment. This is really the only chance he’s had to talk to anyone other than a professor since breakfast.

“Well?” Peter asks.

“Well what?” James knows what he’s asking; it’s what the entire common room is wondering. But he doesn’t feel like talking about it.

“How many detentions did you score?” Sirius demands. James could roll his eyes at the eager silence in the overcrowded room.

“None.” Sighing heavily, James starts to shoulder his way through the crowd towards the boys’ dormitory.

“None?” Beside him, Remus raises his eyebrows thoughtfully as everyone around them begins to chatter, all the Gryffindors just as surprised as James was that he wasn’t given detention. “You didn’t receive a single detention?”

“No, I didn’t,” James says.

“Oh, blimey, mate. You weren’t… expelled?” Peter breathes. The sudden hush in the room is comical and James actually cracks a smile as he shakes his head. Peter frowns when Sirius shoulders his way between him and James. The smaller boy cranes his head around Sirius to look at James. “Then what happened? You must have received some sort of punishment.”

“I had to put the Slytherin common room right.” James shrugs. “That was pretty awful. Putting things right is much less fun than wrecking them.” Never mind the fact that he didn’t wreck the Slytherin common room, anyway.

“That’s it?” Sirius asks disbelievingly. “You just had to fix it all up for them and then McGonagall let you go with no other punishment?”

“Not exactly.” James frowns and drags a hand through his hair, wishing the interested crowd around him would disappear so he could go upstairs and go to sleep. “I have to tutor anyone who needs it in Transfiguration.”

“Interesting. She’s punished you by giving you more responsibility.” One corner of Remus’s mouth turns up and he lifts a shoulder. “Unorthodox, but not unheard of.”

“ _More_ responsibility?” Sirius groans. “You’re already Quidditch captain! And we’re going into our seventh year! Our workload’s been insane lately, and now you’re meant to help the school with theirs? That’s no fun.”

“It’s a punishment, Sirius. It’s not meant to be fun.” James sighs in both exasperation with his best mate and relief when he finally reaches the staircase to the boys’ dormitory. Before he can head up, however, Sirius blocks his way.

“But, mate, how are you going to keep up with your workload and captain the Quidditch team, and tutor everyone in Transfiguration while still managing to keep pranking with us?”

“I’m not,” James says.

“You can’t quit pranking!” Peter exclaims, his voice full of the horror that is showcased on Sirius’s face. Even Remus looks shocked, James notes with a glance over his shoulder.

“Not what I meant.” With a sigh, James reaches into his pocket and pulls out his Quidditch Captain badge. Wordlessly, he presses the badge to Sirius’s chest, who stares at him, wide-eyed, his hands coming up to catch the badge before it can fall when James pulls away. “I was suspended from the team.”

“But you’re captain!” Sirius says hoarsely, his eyes still wide.

“No.” James shakes his head. “You are. Now that I’m off the team, you’re the senior member.”

At once, the crowd at his back begins to protest.

“But the only match left is the final!”

“We’re up against Slytherin!”

“We’ll be slaughtered without you, Potter!”

“McGonagall wouldn’t do this to her own House!”

“I can’t be captain,” Sirius whispers. “I don’t want the badge.

“Don’t be stupid. You wouldn’t shut up with your jealousy when it came in the mail last summer,” James says. “You wanted it badly all last year.”

“Yeah, of course I wanted it when I didn’t have it!” Sirius exclaims, shaking his head and trying to hand the badge back to James, who brushes his hand away. “Now I’ve got it I don’t want it! You’re captain! Take it back!”

“I can’t.” James shoves his way past Sirius, stopping a few steps past him. He sighs, shoulders slumping forward, and turns to face his fellow Gryffindors. “I’m really sorry to let you all down. I didn’t… I didn’t mean for this to happen. But I know we can win the tournament even if I can’t play.”

For the second time that day, his eyes unexpectedly meet Evans’s, and he is not at all shocked to see the horror in them. She looks guilty and incredibly apologetic and, James is loath to admit, like she might just start crying. Unable to stand the guilt in her eyes, James turns back to Sirius, who is white as a ghost and still staring at the Captain badge as if it is about to kill him.

“You’ll be fine, mate. You’re a bang-up player and you know the team and the sport as well as I do.” He walks back down to clap Sirius on the shoulder bracingly. “If I may, I’ll suggest moving Marlene off Seeker and making her a Chaser because we already know she’s brilliant in any position, then finding a younger, smaller, faster player with a good eye to be Seeker. That is, if you can’t find a Chaser to fit in with the team, of course. But you’ll do brilliant, I know you will.”

That said, he turns on his heel and marches up the stairs. He is standing in the door to his dormitory when he remembers. “Oh, and Sirius?” he shouts down the stairs.

“Yeah?” Sirius’s voice is loud and clear and James presumes that his friend has shaken off the debilitating shock and is projecting his old confidence.

“Whatever prank you came up with today to keep up with me, you might want to reconsider.” He sighs and shakes his head. “McGonagall said neither of us will be receiving another detention for the rest of the year and that if we pull another prank, it’s expulsion.”

Looks like the bet is off.

* * *

He isn’t surprised when she finds him; he has been expecting her to come to him and demand answers, maybe accuse him of being arrogant and proud and inappropriate like she usually does. No, he’s not surprised that she seeks him out, but he is shocked when she grabs his hand and yanks him into an empty Charms classroom and wordlessly locks the door.

“Well, if this isn’t just like my wildest dreams.” Smirking when Lily raises her eyebrows at him, James jumps up on top of the professor’s desk and leans back, spreading his arms out to his sides and maintaining careful eye contact with her. “Take me, Evans!”

“Oh, sod off, James.”

Now it’s his turn to raise his eyebrows. “You called me James. Does that mean you won’t hex me if I start calling you Lily?”

 “You were the one who started with the last names.” Still standing right in front of the door, Lily crosses her arms over her chest and narrows her eyes at him as he shakes his head.

“I absolutely was not.” Not thinking, James lifts a hand to ruffle his hair, dropping it abruptly when he realizes Lily is watching his movement critically. “It’s Sirius who has only ever called you Evans. There was a full month first year when I called you ‘Lily.’ Then you decided you hated me… perhaps rightfully so… and started calling me ‘Potter.’”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. It stuck with me because I tried continuing to call you Lily, but you tried to hex me and said that first names were reserved for friends and we would never be friends.” James frowns, and then shrugs, trying to downplay the pain that had caused him at eleven years old. He sighs. “Look. Lily…” _Merlin, it feels wonderful to call her that_. “I’ve got places to be, so if you could just say whatever you’ve got to say to me and let me go, that would be really great.”

Lily tucks one of her feet behind the other and clasps her hands together in front of her, her fingers moving nervously against each other. She bites her lip and looks at the floor instead of him. “Thank you.”

James frowns. That is honestly the last thing he has ever expected Lily Evans to say to him. “Come again?”

“I just wanted to thank you. For taking the blame…” Lily trails off awkwardly, forcing herself to look up at him.

James can’t help but notice that she seems somewhat reluctant to end the conversation. He raises an eyebrow as he shifts his weight on top of the desk. “You’re welcome, Lily. I can’t say I’m not surprised. I was expecting you to drag me in here to berate me or at least interrogate me.”

“No. I… I’m really grateful to you… I know I’ve never been very kind to you.”

“I’ve never exactly deserved your kindness,” James points out.

“And I’ve never deserved your sacrifice.” Lily tilts her head in acknowledgement of his actions. James blinks and exhales loudly, standing and preparing to brush off her thanks so he can get to his appointment. Lily’s voice stops him. “Why did you take the blame? Was it just because of that bet Remus talked about? You wanted more detentions than Sirius?”

James is silent for a moment, watching her closely and trying to gauge what she _wants_ him to say. He suspects it will be easier for her to stomach if he says he wanted the detentions. That way, she could just go on thinking he’s irresponsible and arrogant and just overall stupid. If he tells her the truth, however… she may be forced to admit that that may not be the case. 

“James?”

“No. I actually had completely forgotten about that stupid bet.” He sighs and shakes his head. “Lily, you’ve never gotten in trouble before… Except for when McGonagall asked you not to shout at me so much at the beginning of the year. But you’ve never had detention or anything before. I know how important your immaculate record is to you. And, as you well know, detention is nothing to me.”

And she had looked so damn _terrified_ when McGonagall had explained the spell that would reveal the owner of the scarf. He thinks if she hadn’t looked so small and scared, he might have let her deal with the consequences on her own. Perhaps. But probably not.

“I feel awful that you can’t play Quidditch anymore,” Lily says in a small voice. “If we don’t win the championship, I’ll never forgive myself.”

“Don’t worry about it.” James lifts one shoulder in a halfhearted shrug. “Sirius will figure everything out. I’m sure we’ll still win.”

He really is confident in his team’s talent. Besides, there’s got to be a reason McGonagall chose _Sirius_ to replace him. Aside from the fact that, with James suspended, Sirius is the senior player, he suspects that she purposely made the replacement captain someone who could easily and would willingly seek counsel with James if he needed advice. McGonagall may have wanted to punish him, but she is still very proud of the fact that the Quidditch Cup has belonged to Gryffindor for the past three years.

Still, it does kill him to know that _his_ team is out there flying, practicing right now and he’s stuck inside the castle heading down to the library. He misses Quidditch more than he thought he would, and that is admitting a lot. He misses the freedom, the weightlessness, the knowledge that _he_ is totally in control of everything that happens to him up there.

“It’s just one game, really, if you think about it,” he says after a moment of silence. “I’ll have to try out again next year for the first time since second year, but McGonagall said she might give me back captain. Sirius will probably nag her into it. I never would have guessed from his reaction to me getting captain last year, but he _really_ doesn’t want it.”

James doesn’t know how many times Sirius has asked him if he is _absolutely_ certain that this is what McGonagall meant when she gave him his punishment, how many times Sirius has gone to McGonagall and begged her to reconsider in the five days since he was suspended from the team. He does, however, know that if he has to listen to Sirius talk about how unfair this suspension is one more time, James will glue his best mate’s mouth shut.

“When you realized that your punishment was going to be worse than detention, why didn’t you tell the truth?” Lily takes a step forward, her face pointed toward her feet, but her eyes looking up at him from under her lashes.

His heart skips a beat and he licks his lips nervously. “Lily, you know why.”

“Say it.” Her voice is barely a whisper, but he hears her as if she has spoken quite clearly directly into his ear.

He exhales unevenly and shakes his head. “I can’t.”

Lily draws closer to him, so close that James could count every freckle decorating her milky white skin if he wanted to (which he does, so desperately), so close that he can see that her eyelashes are actually the same color as her hair and they are so long that they brush the apples of her cheeks when she blinks. Her green eyes, blanketed by red and smooth milky white, would surely make him think of Christmas if he could think anything at all.

He watches her as her face moves ever closer, so slowly he isn’t entirely certain that’s what’s happening until he can feel her warm breath on his lips. All he can think is _Oh Merlin, yes, please._

“What are you doing?”

He hears the words, but isn’t aware that he’s the one who spoke them until Lily smiles at him and tentatively buries a hand in his hair and _oh Circe, Merlin, Morgana, and anyone else_ , it feels so much better than he imagined it would.

“Thanking you,” she whispers.

Go right ahead, he wants to say. But something doesn’t sit right within him. He has only the briefest split second to think about it, but it comes to him. If she does this, if she kisses him, he will never be able to get over her. He isn’t entirely sure he’ll be able to get over her even if he never feels her lips on his, but he knows without a doubt that he will be lost forever if she kisses him. It is one of the only things he has wanted consistently since he became aware that girls were more than just fun targets for immature pranks. However, what he has wanted even more than to kiss her for just as long is for her to be his girlfriend, to kiss him on a regular basis because she wants to feel his lips on hers and not just once in an abandoned classroom because she feels like she owes him some sort of payment for keeping her record clean.

“Don’t,” he says firmly, jerking away when her lips are mere centimetres from his and he can taste her breath on the air between them. His eyes are wide and his chest is heaving and Lily is looking at him like he’s mad, but he feels as though he might explode at any moment now and he doesn’t want her to be caught in the blast, so he scurries away from her, his back coming up flush against the cold stone wall. His heart feels caught in his throat and his voice cracks when he finds it again. “You’ll break me.”

Lily looks completely flabbergasted. “James…” She begins to move towards him, but James clears his throat, suddenly feeling like a fool, and brushes past her to grab his discarded book bag from the floor.

“I’m meant to be in the library helping a third-year Hufflepuff boy manage a Switching Spell.” Without turning to look at her, he flicks his wand at the door, unlocking it, and pulls it open. “I’ll see you around.” 


	2. Feel You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter that earns this story its rating.  
> Warning: mature scenes ahead.

FEEL YOU

He fully expects Lily to become even more distant with him than before their encounter in the abandoned Charms classroom, but to his great surprise, she seems to make it a point to go out of her way to speak to him, even if only to say hello. It is almost as if their situations have switched.

Of course, James doesn't hate her. Nor does he wish she would leave him alone. And Lily isn't exactly trying to court him. But no longer is he the one hailing her across the common room, or bounding up to her in the corridors, or trying to sit next to her in classes in which they have never sat near each other. Now she is the one doing all of these things, and it baffles James as much as it baffles everyone else.

It's almost as if Lily Evans is trying to befriend James Potter.

The rest of the student body seems to grow accustomed to her change in attitude towards him far quicker than James does.

James is still waiting for the other shoe to drop; he half expects that the moment he begins to let his guard down, she will take advantage and laugh as she hexes him. He knows that it's unfair of him, that expecting her to act like her old self is just as cruel to her as it would be cruel of her to treat him like the delinquent he used to be, and Lily hasn't been doing that lately. She hasn't been treating him like fifth-year-Potter who humiliated Severus Snape in front of a crowd of gawkers until Snape was so flustered and upset and mad that he called Lily the one word she should never be called. Instead, she has been treating him like present-day-James, who took the blame for her prank just so that she wouldn't lose her standing and jeopardize her chances of being Head Girl.

He realizes that, if Lily is trying to be friends with him now, the least he can do is to put forth the same effort and try to be friends with her as well. He has never really tried to befriend her before; he has always only ever tried to convince her to go out with him. James finds it odd to sit next to her in the library, at meals, out by the lake, or in the common room, and not ask her out knowing that her response will be biting and insulting and potentially violent. It's odd, but nice.

While he likes their newfound friendship, he can't deny that he still fancies the pants off of her. He's reminded of how much he fancies her every time makes his way down to the library or an abandoned Transfiguration classroom to tutor someone. He's especially reminded of how much he likes her when he finds himself sitting next to her in the Gryffindor section in the Quidditch stands during the last match of the season.

He is tense and twitchy for the entire duration of the match. Watching Sirius out there barking orders to  _his_  team is bittersweet. James is certainly proud of how well everyone responds to him – he always knew that Sirius could command the respect of the team if he tried – but he regrets that the announcer, Benjy Fenwick, didn't call his name at the beginning of the game. He misses the weightless freedom and the wind in his hair and the rush of adrenaline that becomes his entire being during a match.

Until Lily takes his hand in the middle of the match. He glances over at her, shocked, but she doesn't look at him; he thinks she is purposely avoiding his gaze. It is not until she leaps to her feet and begins screaming excitedly that he realizes that Marlene has won possession of the Quaffle and is about to put them in the lead.

When Sirius just barely dodges a well-aimed Bludger from one of the Slytherin Beaters moments later, James squeezes Lily's hand tightly, then hugs her jubilantly when Sirius turns around and beats the Bludger directly at the Slytherin Chaser in possession of the Quaffle, who drops the ball in pain and shock. Marlene, swooping in below him, catches the ball of leather and scores Gryffindor yet another point.

It isn't until Gryffindor has won the game and the tournament that James realizes his lack of participation in the game is not the reason his heart has been beating wildly in his chest for over an hour. Rather, it is the presence of the redhead who is clutching his hand as she jumps up and down in exhilarated relief. He watches her for a moment as her hair flutters about her flushed and beaming face, bouncing on her shoulders and getting caught in the wind. She catches his gaze and hugs him tightly and places a kiss on his cheek and James is so caught up that he feels himself about to kiss her as she would have kissed him in that abandoned classroom a few weeks earlier when Sirius swoops down between them and leaps off his broom to embrace James and push his broom into his hands so that James may take a victory lap as well, despite the fact that he didn't play in this game.

He doesn't find Lily again until several hours later in the Gryffindor common room. She is standing near the portrait hole laughing at Marlene, who is gesticulating wildly as she mimes something that James is relatively certain is an impression of a Slytherin who nearly fell off his broom when she zoomed by him during the match. He is half-listening to Sirius rave about his own coaching techniques when Lily suddenly glances over and makes eye contact.

She smiles at him and James smiles back. Her eyes light up and her head tilts to the side inquisitively. He is confused until he realizes that she is gesturing to the portrait hole, asking if he would like to leave the common room with her. His heart leaps and he lifts a shoulder as he nods. Lily immediately hands her drink to Marlene, whispering something in her ear. Marlene doesn't even seem to acknowledge her, though, as she continues to speak to the crowd of people around her. Lily doesn't mind, and slips away quietly.

James watches the portrait hole open and close and waits a few seconds, which is as long as he can hold out, before he pats Sirius on the shoulder and stands up from the couch he is seated on, wedged between Sirius and Remus, who is leaning over the arm of the couch and talking closely with Emmeline Vance.

"Where are you going?" Sirius looks put out when James takes a step away, but James doesn't even falter.

"I've just remembered something I forgot to do earlier," he lies. Peter looks up questioningly from the Exploding Snap game he is trying to play by himself on the floor and Sirius frowns. Remus glances around, but doesn't stop flirting with Emmeline, and James knows that he has not managed to deceive his friends. That doesn't stop him from trying again, though. "A bit of homework. I've got to get to the library."

"Prongs?" Sirius questions, but James's spot is quickly taken by a beautiful blond who distracts Sirius and leaves only Peter to watch James slip out of the common room suspiciously.

He isn't sure where Lily went and he briefly wishes that he had the Marauders' Map with him, but his friends would probably notice him if he tried to sneak up to their dormitory to retrieve it, so he heads down the nearest staircase, searching blindly.

A door is ajar up ahead and he peers inside cautiously, slipping into the room when he spots Lily's silky red hair across the room where she is looking out of the high window. He is halfway to her when he recognizes the abandoned Charms classroom from earlier in the year. Licking his lips, he clears his throat nervously.

"Loud in there, wasn't it?" he says when Lily doesn't turn to him. He stops just a few steps behind her, worried when she doesn't answer him.

"What did you mean when you said that I would break you?"

Lily does not, apparently, intend to engage in small-talk. He runs a hand through his hair and takes a deep breath, turning to the window next to hers, barely a metre away. The thought of revisiting that conversation makes him nervous and uncomfortable, two things he hates to be, so he turns the conversation on her.

"Why did you break into the Slytherin common room, remove all of their decorations, and trap everyone in their dormitories?" He shifts so that his shoulder is nestled against the wall, propping him up as he leans facing her. "That was a brilliant bit of magic, by the way, with the stairs. It took me the better part of an hour to sort out. And Transfiguration is my specialty."

"Thank you." Lily turns toward him and mimics his posture, a wry smile on her face. She surprises him when she actually answers his question. "I had another confrontation with my once-best-friend. I was a bit peeved with him."

"What did he say? I'll curse him for you." The offer is immediate and instinctual and he regrets it at once. It is a testament to how much Lily's opinion of him has changed, however, that she doesn't grow enraged the moment the words leave his mouth. Instead, she only looks mildly annoyed with him.

"You've cursed him for far less." She shoots him a pointed look, then lets out a deep breath and shrugs and he supposes his momentary lapse of judgment has been forgiven. "But it doesn't matter; I think my revenge worked well enough."

"Making him late to breakfast? That counts as revenge to you?" James snorts sardonically and Lily rolls her eyes at him.

"He had an appointment to keep with Professor Victred first thing in the morning –before breakfast, even– to retake a Defense exam he hadn't properly prepared for." She speaks quite primly, which suggests to James that she feels somewhat guilty over the admission. As she probably should, he supposes.

He remembers the exam in question; it was a particularly difficult one, but James and all of his friends had managed to do quite well on it, so he hadn't thought much of it. But now that she's brought it to his attention, he recalls that the exam was worth a quarter of their final grade.

"I'm sorry, what's that?" he teases, leaning forward unknowingly. "Did Prefect Lily Evans, favorite to be Head Girl next year, just admit to me that she  _purposely_ set up a student to fail an important exam?"

"Please. It's not as if a high score in  _Defense Against_ the Dark Arts will be of any use to an aspiring Death Eater." She scoffs when his eyebrows shoot up into his hairline. "Please, James, don't feign shock on my account. We both know it's what he wants to be." She sighs, disappointed or tired, he isn't sure, and looks out the window for a moment before she turns back to him. "But enough of this. Your distraction hasn't worked. You still have to answer my question."

"Lily…" James protests, trailing off when Lily steps forward, gazing up at him imploringly.

"No, James. Just tell me," she insists. "Do you know how preposterous an idea that is? That  _I_  could hurt  _you_?"

"How is it even close to preposterous?" James whispers, his hands moving of their own accord so that one is cradling her face and the other is resting on her slim waist. "Lily, you might just be the only person who  _can_  hurt me."

"I don't want to," Lily says softly, her hands creeping up his arms to his shoulders and into his hairline at the back of his neck.

And then her lips are on his, or his are on hers. He really doesn't know who moves forward; perhaps they both do. But she tastes magnificent and she feels like a dream and he isn't entirely sure that this  _isn't_  a dream.

"James," Lily says breathily when he drags his lips across her jaw to suckle at the spot just below her ear. He presses her back against the stone wall and groans, lifting his head when she pulls his hips against hers roughly.

"Oh, Merlin." He gasps when her lips trail down his neck and her fingers start unbuttoning his shirt.

"Merlin," he repeats, his head tilting back when she pushes him back so that his hips hit the professor's desk. He gulps when her fingers start fumbling with the catch on his trousers. "Jesus, Lily."

"James." She brings her swollen bottom lip into her mouth as she meets his wild eyes and he realizes that his name is a question.

_Do we stop, or do we go?_

His response is to place his hands on either side of her neck and yank her mouth back to his roughly. She moans when he sinks his teeth into her bottom lip and drags it into his mouth to suck on.

And then she is pulling away and her mouth is moving hurriedly down his bare chest and abdomen and she is on her knees and shoving his unhooked trousers and shorts to the ground hurriedly and taking him into her mouth.

His heart is in his throat and his hands are in her hair and he is in her mouth and he is in her mouth and he is in her mouth and it is ecstasy.

It could last a lifetime and it would not last long enough for him. As it is, it is over quickly. He only takes a moment to catch his breath before he is gripping Lily's hand and pulling her to her feet and turning her around and pressing her back until her hips hit the desk. He lifts her and sets her arse on the edge of the desk, pressing his already-hardening, sensitive cock to the junction between her thighs. He hisses and Lily moans at the friction when he rocks his hips against hers, her legs coming up to encircle him, her arms slithering around his shoulders and their mouths connecting messily as they both gasp for breath, both of their hips rocking unsteadily back and forth.

"Fuck me." He groans and buries his face in Lily's hair as his hands move down the front of her shirt, fumbling to undo the frustrating buttons. It isn't as if he's never done anything like this before. He went down on a Muggle girl over the summer, after all. But he wasn't nervous then because she wasn't Lily Evans.

But this, right here, is Lily Evans and he is currently doing something he has dreamed of doing with her for years and he is making a right bloody fool of himself.

Lily giggles when he gives up halfway down the shirt and instead rips it open. Then she gasps when she realizes what that means for her as the buttons go scattering across the room.

"James!"

"You can wear mine," he promises as his mouth descends on the newly-revealed flesh that swells up over the cups of her black bra. He doesn't even bother to try unlatching that trap. Instead, he pulls the straps down off her shoulders and shimmies the material down until it settles around her waist. His lips are on her taut peaks before his hands are done pulling the article down past her ribs.

His mouth lingers over the soft, warm, sensitive flesh, but his hands can't stay still and instead wander down her bare waist to skim over the top of her heavy uniform skirt all the way down to the bottom hem until he wraps a hand around her exposed thigh. While he has the almost overwhelming urge to wrap her legs around his waist and press his hips to hers even more fully, he instead hitches her one leg up, bending it at the knee as he skims his hand down her warm, quivering thigh to brush against her knickers.

"Is this okay?" He feels a fool having to ask, but he figures it's better to ask than to assume and be wrong.

"Yes." Lily nods eagerly and lays back. James smiles at her as he hooks his fingers in the top of her knickers and begins to pull them down her pale thighs.

He moves slowly and Lily is positively panting with want by the time he has the damn article off of her and flings it to the side. She grabs him by the back of the neck and yanks his head down to kiss him sloppily as he begins to trail his fingers back up her thigh to her slick, wet heat.

He runs his fingers up her slit until they catch on the hood of her clit and she whines a little, her mouth separating from his with a soft smacking noise and it is the sexiest sound he has ever heard and her mouth is in the shape of an o and her eyes snap shut when he circles his finger around the nerves. She bows up so that she is halfway sitting up, but James moves one hand to keep her steady. He kisses her open, panting mouth, then her neck, her chest, down her stomach until his face is in the curls inches above his fingers which are still driving her mad.

And then he slips his fingers inside of her and his mouth moves to replace them, licking, sucking and kissing her to pieces.

The only coherent thought he can manage is that he wants to do this for her every day for the rest of her life before her thighs clamp down around his head and her abdominal muscles tense under his hand and she practically screams under him. He doesn't stop lapping at her until she is trembling and her throat is making tiny little mewling sounds, and even then he keeps his fingers buried in her, slowly stroking her from the inside.

He kisses her hip and then rests his chin on her thigh as he looks up at her, staring at her face as she fights her way back to coherent thought. When he sees that she is nearly done, he finally slips his fingers out of her and, ignoring the cramp in his wrist, licks himself clean. He glances back up to see that Lily is staring at him with dark eyes.

"I take the Contraceptive Brew," she says when the aftershocks have worn off completely and she sits up. She takes his hand from her thigh and pulls him up so that he is once again standing between her legs, which she wraps around his waist like he had been so tempted to have her do earlier. Her arms drape over his shoulders and she kisses him softly, somewhat shyly, though she is doing an exceptional job at hiding her shyness.

"Do you, now?" He raises an eyebrow at her and kisses her again, something he is certain he will never get tired of doing.

"Yes." She smiles when he dances his fingers up her ribcage and cups her left breast in the palm of his hand. "Since I was sixteen."

He can feel the frown flash across his face, but hides it quickly, hoping it didn't register with Lily. He kisses her again, deeply this time, but he feels off about it now.

She must have started taking the potion last year when she was going steady with Aaron Kristophe, a Ravenclaw boy a year older than them. He wonders if she was ever with him like this and feels an awful dread rising up in him. She is clearly expecting to have sex right now, and James feels incredibly nervous all of a sudden.

He has never done this before, he tells her, figuring she needs to know, if they're going to do this at all. He has done just about everything else they have done tonight, but he has never actually had a shag before. Lily flashes him a smile and a seemingly careless shrug and says that she hasn't, either. Relief rushes through him along with slight skepticism. He can't believe that she wants her first time to be on top of a professor's desk in an empty classroom with  _him_  when they aren't even together. But she obviously does, if her hand stroking his cock and slowly pulling him ever closer to her center is any indication.

And then he is pushing into her and she is tight and wet and so, so warm. Her face contorts in pain and his only thought is that she is so very brave and so wonderful to trust him with this and he is so honored and so  _fucking_  turned on; he hopes he can make this last just long enough that it won't be a complete humiliation.

He is still for an agonizing stretch of time before Lily brings her lips to his and pulls his hips forward simultaneously. And then he can't stop moving, but it's okay because Lily doesn't seem to want him to.

It seems like only a moment later they are preparing to return to the common room together, Lily refusing James's offer of his shirt as it would be strange and incredibly suspicious if James returns shirtless and Lily returns with a shirt three sizes too big for her. Instead she performs a spell James has never heard of and reattaches all of the buttons he popped off of her shirt.

He tries to gauge her expression as they dress together. She clearly did not have an orgasm while he was inside her, but he doesn't think she fully expected to; she doesn't seem particularly disappointed, anyway. Rather, she seems as though she enjoyed herself. Once she has her shirt in order and in place, she turns to him and smiles. She kisses him one more time before they begin their trek back up to Gryffindor Tower.

No one seems to have noticed their disappearance or their sudden reappearance together. While she doesn't avoid him, James can't help but notice that Lily subtly shrugs off every attempt he makes to touch her. She doesn't make a big deal of it, so he doesn't feel particularly slighted, especially when she remains near him for the remainder of the party. He just wishes he could do  _something_  to signify to everyone else that something has changed between them.

* * *

He cannot believe that he and Lily Evans shagged in an abandoned classroom while a party raged on above them in their common room. Part of him thinks it might have been some kind of wild dream, and so he does not mention it to anyone, not even to Sirius. When Sirius notices that James is acting strange and questions him about it, James can only lie and say that tutoring is really getting to him. He doubts Sirius believes him, but his best mate doesn't question him further, perhaps thinking James is feeling sore about not having been a participant in their final Quidditch victory.

Lily acts as though it never happened, too, and that is what has him almost convinced that he hallucinated the entire thing. Until she catches him by the hand one day when he is on his way to meet the boys for lunch and pulls him into a little-known alcove behind a tapestry and kisses him hard on the mouth.

"I need you," she breathes when their lips part, fingers already undoing the buttons on his shirt.

He can think of nothing to say, and so just kisses her, his fingers skimming down the front of her shirt to unbutton it. She is wearing a lacy white bra today with a very convenient front-clasp, which he flicks open quickly, smirking.

"Planned this, did you?"

"James," she moans by way of answer when his mouth descends on her.

If the first time was quick, this encounter breezes by in an instant. While he would have liked to sneak her back up to his dormitory with him, he can't complain when she absolutely insists that it has to be here,  _now_. He has her against the cold stone wall, her skirt still on, her shirt hanging off her shoulders, her knickers caught around her right ankle. His trousers are unzipped and hanging inches down his arse as he pounds into her, his hand over her mouth as she sinks her teeth into his flesh to keep from crying out.

Afterwards, she laughs breathily and tucks him back into his trousers when he stumbles back against the wall opposite her, completely shell-shocked. She kisses his chest as she buttons his shirt back up for him and James half-heartedly attempts to do the same for her, but the catch on her bra gives him trouble this time and he gives up almost immediately, instead opting to cradle her breast in his hand, his fingers pinching at her nipples.

Lily lets her head fall against his shoulder when he bends down to kiss her neck and although she clearly enjoys this, she backs away after only a moment. She re-fastens her bra herself and deftly redoes her own shirt before she leans down and hooks her left foot through her knickers and pulls them up her legs to disappear beneath her skirt.

He'll have her in a bed the next time, he vows to himself, and maybe out loud as well, because Lily looks up at him and smiles.

"We have to go." She picks up the rucksack James hadn't even noticed she had been carrying as she backs up towards the tapestry. "I know Marlene will be waiting for me, and I'm sure the boys are wondering where you are."

"I don't give a shit, to be honest," James says, walking forward and kissing her again.

Lily lets him kiss her for a moment before she pulls away again, a small smile playing at her lips. "I'll go first."

And then she disappears, leaving James feeling confused and, although he is loath to admit it, a little bit used.

* * *

He does manage to get her in bed only a few days later. It doesn't work out quite the way he initially envisioned it, however.

James is leaving Transfiguration, his last class of the day, with Sirius and Remus with every intention of heading down to the Black Lake for a swim when Lily calls his name from behind. He turns to face her immediately.

"Hey," he says, wishing he could just reach out and kiss her, but she seems to want their… whatever this is that they are doing… to remain a secret for now. He hopes he looks casual in front of his friends.

"Hi, Lily." Remus smiles at her and her answering smile is so friendly and uninhibited that James is irrationally jealous for a moment.

"Hello, Remus. Sirius." Lily smiles hesitantly at Sirius, who nods at her and shifts slightly on his feet, clearly eager to get moving. She turns back to James and looks at him expectantly. "Are you busy?"

"No," he says immediately just as Sirius answers her with a quick "yes."

He glares momentarily at Sirius, and then pivots back to smile at Lily. "We were just going to mess around, but it's nothing important. Did you need something?"

"Oh." She looks hesitant now, like she doesn't know if she's allowed to ask him for anything when she knows he has plans with his friends. "Well, I was just wondering if you could help me with something."

"With what?" James asks.

"Transfiguration. The new theory McGonagall was going on about today. You understood it, right?" Lily asks. "That nonsense about Animagi?"

James allows himself the barest hint of a smile, but absolutely refuses to look at Sirius and Remus. He nods carefully. "Yes, I think I have a good handle on it."

"Of course you do." Lily rolls her eyes, but James understands that she's not really annoyed with him for it. "It all went straight over my head. I simply don't understand how it works. And how can it possibly not hurt?"

"Well, because it's a willing transformation," James says immediately. "Unlike, say…"

"A werewolf?" Lily offers innocently, not looking at Remus, who stiffens next to James even though all four Marauders are fairly certain Lily knows Remus's secret.

"Er, yes." James scratches the back of his head and feels his shirt rise up and expose an inch or so of skin. Lily's gaze flicks down briefly and James feels himself react immediately. He clears his throat and lowers his arm. "A werewolf's transformation is an unwilling one. It's not a choice he or she can make, but something they must suffer through month after month. Therefore, the werewolf feels the pain of each bone breaking and reforming, the skin stretching and shrinking, the teeth growing, organs shrinking, the face becoming something entirely different. While an Animagus also becomes a completely different creature, the Animagus's transformation is willing. It's a choice. It's something they've studied and practiced for years. If there is any pain from the Animagus's transformation, it is only a fleeting feeling, and usually only when they're new to it."

"But why?" Lily asks.

James shrugs. "It probably has something to do with the fact that a werewolf isn't a wizard or a witch anymore during the full moon. It's quite literally an animal taking over a human being. The wizard isn't in control anymore. But an Animagus is still a wizard, just in the form of an animal. Fully conscious and in control of their actions, an Animagus is basically just an extremely well-disguised human."

"That doesn't make any sense to me. They're still changing forms, right? It should be just as painful!" Lily shakes her head. "And why does it take so much practice? McGonagall said she studied for over a year before she became registered?!"

"It's an extremely difficult process," Remus offers. "Anything could go wrong."

"If not under the proper guidance, a bloke could become stuck between forms." James flinches slightly at the thought of being stuck half-man, half-stag.

"What do you mean?"

"Look at it this way, Evans," Sirius says impatiently, stepping forward. "Say a bloke isn't properly concentrated on what he's doing. Say there's a pretty little bird off to the side, or a lovely lake he's looking to swim in and he's trying to take the dog, but he's not sufficiently practiced and half of him really wants to stay a bloke and go chat up the pretty bird sunning by the lake. One second he's his usual, fetching self, the next, he's got a tail and a muzzle and great tufts of fur. How's he supposed to convince that bird to go sunbathing with him now?"

For the first time, Lily looks genuinely confused as she blinks at Sirius. "'Take the dog?'"

"Forget what he said," James says, shouldering Sirius out of the way and changing tact. "Think of the Polyjuice Potion, yeah? You do one thing wrong, the entire operation is fated for disaster. Use the hair of a cat instead of the hair of a human, for instance, and you're stuck in this awful half-cat, half-witch state for however long it takes a Healer to figure out how to put you right, yeah? Same thing with Animagi. You don't properly understand what you're doing, you could very well be stuck with antlers for the rest of your life."

"Antlers."

"If your Animagus is, say, a stag." James shifts awkwardly.

"Or a moose," Sirius chimes in.

"Antelope," Remus offers helpfully.

"Yes. Any antlered animal, really." James only smiles innocently when Lily looks between the three of them suspiciously.

"Right." She still looks a bit skeptical, but she drops it anyway as she turns to James. "I still don't really understand as well as I'd like. Do you think we could talk about it some more?"

"Sure," he says without thinking. Next to him, Sirius sighs and rolls his eyes in exasperation. "We can go to the library," he suggests, hitching his rucksack higher on his shoulder and ignoring Sirius's incredulous look.

"No, I don't want to go to the library," Lily says immediately. "Er, there are just a lot of people there. It's nearing the end of the year, so everyone will be studying and I'll just have so many questions. I hate when people talk near me when I'm trying to study, so I'd hate to do it to other people myself."

"Oh, all right." James feels his heartbeat quicken at the sudden realization. Lily Evans asking him for help in Transfiguration? As if. She's as brilliant as they come. And she spends so much of her time studying in the library, he finds it hard to believe that she would put her foot down about going with him there to learn about Animagi. It crosses his mind that she could just be trying to get him away from his friends. "Er, we could go up to my dormitory?" He fidgets uncomfortably when Sirius and Remus look at him strangely.

And what if Lily really is trying to learn more about Animagi? She'll be livid with his suggestion. Just because they've shagged twice doesn't mean she wants to shag him every chance she gets. "It's just, Sirius and Remus are headed to the lake and Peter's in Muggle Studies, so it'll be quiet and we won't be disturbing anyone."

"Okay." Lily smiles easily but shifts her books in her arms to hug them to her chest, the only sign she gives that she is slightly uneasy.

"All right." James clears his throat and turns to face his friends, careful to keep his expression as neutral as possible. "You two can go ahead without me. I'll see you later."

As he turns to walk with Lily back up to Gryffindor Tower, he silently prays that Remus and Sirius don't follow them back up to the common room. It's not as if he gave them the option, anyway. He glances over his shoulder when he and Lily reach the end of the hall to see that his mates are still standing there, speaking quietly. James still hasn't told them about this thing he has going with Lily, but he has a feeling they're about to catch on anyway.

Their trek up to the common room is mostly silent and James is severely tempted to reach out and grab Lily's hand. He doesn't, however, because he's unsure how exactly Lily will react to that. By the time they reach the portrait hole, Lily is once again asking him questions about Animagi.

There are only a few people in the common room and none of them pay Lily and James any attention as they cross the room towards the stairs to the boys' dormitories.

James is answering Lily's latest question when they reach his dormitory. He's mid-word when Lily suddenly turns and flings herself at him, her arms coming up around his shoulders, her front pressed up against his inch for inch as her mouth takes his.

"Mmph," James grunts, stumbling back against the closed door even as his arms encircle her waist to hold her to him. He smirks when Lily pulls away from his mouth to nip at his neck. "I knew you didn't need my tutoring."

"Well, you may be McGonagall's little Transfiguration prodigy, but I'm no slouch." Lily smiles up at him and stretches her neck to bring her face closer to his again.

"Who could ever think you to be a slouch at anything?" James kisses her even as he begins backing her up towards his bed. He gently pushes her down on his bed, his hand tangling in her hair. "You're absolutely perfect at everything."

"You only say that because you lost your virginity to me," Lily whispers, but she's smiling.

"I thought so long before that." He kisses her gently. Lily pulls back with slightly wide eyes and James thinks it's ridiculous that she looks suspicious of him right now; doesn't everyone who has ever met or heard of either of them know that he is absolutely mad for her?

Before he can tell her to stop looking at him like she never expected him to say such a thing, she kisses him again and it's soft and slow, which none of her kisses have ever been before. It surprises him, this sudden change in pace, and he leans into her even as he shifts to the side so he's no longer on top of her. They are both on their sides, facing each other, snogging each other, and it feels so real. Much more real than either of the shags they've had.

They stay like that for a while, just lying on his bed kissing, which is something he never thought he'd be able to say he did with Lily Evans, even when he promised her he'd shag her in his bed one day. He's not sure how long it goes on, but when they finally part, Lily looks the way he'd always imagined she would after he'd snogged her into fancying him. His heart begins to beat wildly and he reaches out to smooth her hair, searching for something charming to say.

Footsteps on the stairs leading up have his heart sinking as Lily's eyes widen in panic for just a second before her face goes blank and she leaps from his bed. James sits up in protest just as one of his prat roommates flings the door open.

Remus stops in the center of the room, freezing under what James suddenly realizes must be a harsh glare from him. He forces himself to adopt a more careless expression as Remus looks from James to Lily, his gaze taking in the pretty pink blush that covers her face and neck, disappearing down into her slightly disheveled uniform shirt.

"Oh. Er. Ah, difficult concept, Animagi, yes?" Remus says, clasping his hands together in front of him and looking away when Lily self-consciously attempts to smooth her rumpled shirt. "Sorry for just barging in, but I'll be gone in just a mo' and you'll have the room to yourselves again. Sirius needed something."

"No, I think I've got it now!" Lily exclaims, shifting her weight awkwardly. "Er, and I've just remembered I promised to help Marlene with her Charms essay. It's due tomorrow, remember? So I'd better find her and get started."

She flashes him a harried smile as she edges past the tall, pale boy towards the door. "I'll see you two later." She pauses a moment, glancing at James over her shoulder, her eyes void of that tender look he had seen not even a minute earlier. "Thanks for the explanation, James."

Remus only blinks slowly when Lily turns and rushes from the dormitory, her face brilliantly aflame. Both boys watch her leave before Remus turns to look at James, raising an eyebrow.

"Did I interrupt something?"

James sighs. "I don't know." He frowns at the door Lily just ran out of. "Would that I did."

Remus stays silent for a moment, then crosses the rest of way to his trunk, which he bends down to rummage through for only a quick second before coming up with a large, folded sheaf of parchment that he offers up to James. "Padfoot changed his mind. Wants to sneak out to Hogsmeade instead of swimming. Wormtail's out of class early, so he's in. Padfoot plans for us all to get completely pissed." He smiles. "Are you in?"

James hesitates for a moment. He probably shouldn't risk sneaking out of the castle. What with McGonagall's threat that if Sirius and James do anything detention-worthy for the rest of the year, they'll be expelled, along with the fact that everyone already thinks James wrecked the Slytherin common room, he really shouldn't be breaking any more rules. But then he thinks back to Lily's constantly changing treatment of him, and the complete confusion he feels any time he allows himself to wonder about what's going on there, and he frowns. He needs a night to be stupid with his mates.

"I could do with a drink or twelve." He stands from his bed when Remus grins roguishly at him, clearly imitating Sirius.

"Excellent," Remus says, clapping James on the shoulder before leading the way for the stairs.

"Oh, and Moony?" James stops Remus on the staircase, catching up to him and resting a restraining hand on his shoulder.

"Yes, Prongs?"

James lowers his voice and leans in closer to Remus as a couple of fourth-year boys come traipsing up the spiraling staircase towards them. "Don't mention anything to the others about what you may or may not have interrupted, please."

"Not a clue what you're on about, dear chap." Remus smiles blandly and continues down the stairs.

"Brilliant," James says, trudging along behind him.

When they enter the common room, the first thing James notices is that Lily did indeed find Marlene. The two girls are sitting together in a corner, talking quietly, but James doubts they're discussing Charms. Lily suddenly stops and looks up at him and then quickly looks away, her face going pink again when she notices Remus watching as well.

James frowns and looks away, turning and storming off towards the portrait hole.

"No, not a clue at all what you're talking about," Remus says behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clearly, this is not the end of the story. I was going to keep it at two parts, but I decided I needed to make it three.  
> I actually posted this on fanfiction a few days ago and completely forgot to post it here, so sorry about that.  
> Part three probably won't be up as quickly as part two was because I was almost finished part two when I posted part one and I've barely even started part three, unfortunately.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this.


	3. Break Me

BREAK ME

He probably shouldn't be so upset with Lily, he reasons. She didn't, after all, do anything other than run away, embarrassed, when Remus unwittingly interrupted them. Her reaction was understandable; they aren't together, so naturally she would be uncomfortable being caught in a compromising situation with him. James just wishes that she didn't have to feel so uncomfortable. He wishes that they were together. He supposes he should try to do something about it.

They've shagged twice now, and he's fairly certain that Lily felt something more than lust for him in his bed that afternoon before Remus came flouncing in. They practically are a couple, right? He just needs to ask her and make it official. His night of getting smashed with the boys made that clear to him, though it was supposed to do the opposite.

He didn't talk about the Lily situation with the boys, but Remus definitely knows and James is fairly certain that Sirius suspects. He seemed very suspicious when Remus was so tight-lipped about how he convinced James to go out with them. And Peter, who is always the last to verbalize anything, but is so observant he's usually the first to suspect everything, only smirked and shook his head when Remus tried to convince Sirius that Lily was already on her way out and James was heading out to find them when he went up to the dorm.

James is not surprised that Peter doesn't push him for information, but he is shocked that Sirius doesn't even try to make him feel guilty for not offering up every aspect of his time spent with Lily. Because Sirius always overshares his experiences with birds and he always seems to expect his mates to do the same. But he doesn't seem to want James to share what he's not ready to share. James suspects that this is because Sirius knows that Lily, and whatever is going on with her, is more important than any of Sirius's encounters with women. Because Lily is the girl that James has fancied for years. She is the girl he has been trying to win over since before he realized that was what he was doing. She is the only girl he can see himself spending the rest of his life with. All of his mates know this and wordlessly accept it. And that is what convinces him to try once more to make her actually his.

And this newfound conviction of his is what leads to him waiting up in the common room until after midnight, long after everyone else has gone to bed, one Tuesday evening towards the end of the school year. Lily and Remus are on rounds together tonight, and he is bound and determined to finally ask her out. Of course, he has asked her out several times already only to be met with failure.

But this will be different, won't it? Because now they've been intimate. And she fancies him right back now, doesn't she? He begins to pace in front of the portrait hole.

Damn it all to hell; he wishes he could just stop himself. He feels as though he has only become infinitely more insecure since he and Lily started shagging and he's fairly certain that it's supposed to be quite the opposite. Don't most blokes become impossibly full of themselves once a bird deems him worthy of a shag?

But, James figures, most blokes haven't been interested in the same unattainable bird for four years. And Lily Evans is not like any other woman -because she is a woman to him, damn it, not a flighty bird- he has ever met. She may let him touch her body, but he has no idea how closely she will guard her heart against him, and all he really wants, now that he has experienced her most glorious body, is to experience her love.

Merlin, if Sirius could hear his thoughts right now, he would never let James live it down. He's almost embarrassed even thinking it to himself, but it's the truth, isn't it? It's why it bothers him so much when she just walks away and acts like nothing happened after they shag, why he feels so empty when he's not with her. He's bloody well in love with her and he wants her to be in love with him, too.

He lets out a distressed groan and flops down in a plush armchair near the portrait hole, both of his hands fisting in his messy black hair. "Buggering hell," he mutters to himself. He should not be this nervous to talk to a girl he's been shagging for weeks now.

His head snaps up when the portrait hole opens. Lily comes in first, laughing softly at something Remus, who climbs in after her, clearly just said. James can't stop the goofy smile that spreads across his face at the carefree, happy look on her face.

Almost immediately, Lily spots James seated just a few metres away and stops short, the smile not quite leaving her lips, but turning slightly shy. "Hello, James."

"Hi, Lily. Remus." James nods, getting up and hovering awkwardly near the armchair.

Remus grins and nods at him, then looks between the two of them, sensing the awkward tension between them. He clears his throat and takes a few steps towards the dormitories.

"Well, Prefect Evans, our duty is done; all miscreants have been apprehended. I'll be retiring to my suite of smelly mates now." He bows and inclines his head in her direction. "I bid you goodnight."

Lily giggles and turns away from James to give Remus a shallow curtsy. "Good evening, Prefect Lupin."

Remus smirks at James and then turns on his heel, taking the staircase three steps at a time. James rolls his eyes as Remus disappears upstairs.

"Hi," James says again after a brief silence.

"Hi." Lily tucks a strand of hair behind her ear as she walks past him to pick up a Charms worksheet a few first years left near their previous perch in front of the fireplace before they retreated to bed almost two hours ago. She smiles and places the worksheet carefully on a table before turning to face James.

"Had a good time on your rounds, then?" he asks.

"Mmm." Lily toys with her hair absently. "Remus was in a suspiciously good mood tonight. He kept me laughing the entire time."

"Ah, yes. He gets like that sometimes." James grins, thinking of Remus's rare, infectious giddy moods. "Tonight's mood is undoubtedly inspired by the marvelous shag he had with one Miss Natalie Cartwright earlier in the evening."

Lily blinks at him and James winces. "Er, sorry. I'm sure you didn't particularly want to know that."

"No, it's fine." Lily chuckles and shakes her head. "I just didn't know Remus was... romantically involved with anyone."

"Oh, he's not." James smiles wryly. "He doesn't accept the emotional side of relationships. Only the physical."

"Like Sirius, then."

"That's a common misconception, actually. Sirius certainly enjoys the physical aspects of a relationship, but when it's right, he really throws himself into the romantics as well."

"I never would have thought... I've never seen Sirius like that."

"It's only happened once before and she didn't go here." James frowns thoughtfully. "He was a mess when it ended. I suspect it's why he's so guarded with his emotions around girls now. Pete, on the other hand." James smirks and shakes his head ruefully. "He's falling in love with a different girl every week. Course, he's mostly too timid to speak to most of them once he reaches that point. But he's had a few relationships."

He forces himself to stop speaking quite abruptly when the absurdity of the topic sinks in. Why the buggering hell is he talking to Lily about his mates' love lives when he's supposed to be settling in to discuss theirs?

He is just working up the courage to broach the topic when Lily clears her throat and looks around idly. "Do you lot talk about girls much, then?"

James frowns, frustrated. Are they still talking about his bloody friends, then? "Quite a bit, yeah."

"Hmm. And share your experiences." She's still using that calm, almost uninterested tone of voice, but James has a niggling suspicion that she is very much interested in his answer.

"Sure. We're all four best mates, aren't we? We talk about anything." James shrugs; his eyebrows furrow and the corners of his mouth turn down. He doesn't yet see where she's going with this line of questions. When he gets there, though, his eyes widen and he shakes his head. "Oh. No, Lily. I haven't told them about... us."

Lily turns to face him, and now she frowns at him. "You haven't told them anything?"

"Not a word." He steps forward and takes her hand, gazing imploringly into her eyes.

"They don't know about…" She trails off uncertainly and James realizes that she may be going through the same struggle he has been, wanting to put a name to whatever it is they are, but having not a clue what to call it.

James grimaces and sighs. "I won't lie to you. I'm fairly certain they all know."

"You just said!" Lily exclaims, looking at him accusingly.

"I didn't tell them, Lily! I swear!" He huffs out a frustrated breath and drags his free hand through his hair, his other clinging to Lily's even as she tries to pull away. "Listen, we've all lived together in such close proximity for six years now. The four of us have shared a room since we were eleven, Lily! They know me. There is nothing that any of us could keep from the others. Words don't even have to be exchanged anymore; we just know each other that well."

She looks suspicious for a moment longer, but James must look so earnest that the suspicion melts away and is momentarily replaced with envy, which surprises him, before she wipes that away, too, and looks up at him through those dizzyingly long lashes imploringly. "You really didn't tell them?"

He only shakes his head emphatically, momentarily frozen by her hand soft on his chest.

"Why not?"

He blinks at her. "What do you mean?"

"Like you said, they're your best friends. You tell each other everything." She is so close now that James can smell chocolate faint on her breath (provided to her by Remus on their rounds, he suspects) and he wonders if she can smell fire smoke on him from his time spent restlessly pacing in front of the fireplace.

"I know you don't want…" His voice cracks and he flushes, slightly mortified, but Lily just smiles faintly up at him. He clears his throat and starts again. "I thought you would like to keep it… private."

Lily cocks her head to one side. "You're not a very private person, James," she muses, and James suspects that she is thinking back on his past incredibly public displays of "affection" with other girls.

He shrugs, unabashed. "You are, though."

And it's true. While she may be opinionated and strong-willed and passionate in her beliefs and is by no means afraid of a public altercation with anyone, especially James in the past, he can't think of a single time he has ever seen her so much as kiss a former boyfriend goodnight. She has always been one to keep the physical aspects of her relationships to herself.

In fact, the most outwardly affectionate he has ever seen her in public has been with him, back before this whole thing started when she held his hand in the stands at the last Quidditch match and kissed his cheek for everyone to see. He wonders why it was alright for her to do those things before they were shagging, but not now that they are. For a fleeting moment, he allows himself the devastating thought that this is just a game to her, that she has only ever been interested in seducing him and nothing else. But that just doesn't quite ring true for him, so he shakes the thought from his mind and smiles softly down at her.

"I don't want to do anything to make you uncomfortable," he says softly, his hand coming up of its own accord to gently cup her cheek.

"I do appreciate that." Lily's eyes darken slightly and James finds his heart rate picking up and his tongue darting out to wet his lips.

"Lil," he pauses and lets his hands drop to her waist when both of her arms rise to rest on his shoulders. She nuzzles his nose with hers and he sighs, his heart fluttering in a way that he will be sure to never mention to anyone. "Lil, what are we?"

Lily is silent for a moment and her head drops to his shoulder. At first, he is afraid he's upset her after all, but then her lips, warm and wet, press against his neck. "Let's talk about it later, yeah?"

"Yeah?" James manages to croak out as she presses her lips to his neck again. She begins to suck on his pulse point and his eyelids flutter closed behind his glasses. "Why is that?"

"Hmm?"

"Why later?" He isn't really that fussed that she doesn't want to talk about it right now because what she clearly has in mind is sure to be enjoyable anyway. And, besides, later means that she is at least willing to discuss it, right?

Lily doesn't even bother to answer him. Instead, she lifts her head, looks him in the eyes for a fraction of a second, and then their mouths are fused together and their hands are in each other's hair and roaming their bodies and he isn't sure how, but they make it to the couch and he collapses onto it on his back, Lily on top of him, and he is grateful because how embarrassing would it have been if his knees had actually given out on him while snogging Lily Evans?

They spend quite a bit of time there on that little couch, Lily straddling him and then shifting to lie full-length on top of him. At one point, James finds her beneath him, his arms holding his weight up so that he doesn't crush her even as he does his best to steal her breath. But she's stealing his breath, so a trade is fair, right?

His hands slip under her shirt and hers deftly unbutton several buttons on his, but eventually they revert to their original position, Lily curled up on top of James, and they are both fully clothed even though they are no longer snogging.

All James can think is that this finally feels real before he falls asleep right there on that cramped couch in the common room with Lily, more content than he remembers being in a long while.  
\----  
For several weeks following their almost-conversation in the common room, things between Lily and James are better than ever before. While the situation was not actually discussed, and nothing was therefore clarified, there seems to be an unspoken agreement between the two of them that they will slow down and allow themselves a few more intimate moments. In fact, not once since their late-night snog in the common room have they suddenly found themselves having a hurried, secret tryst in some deserted part of the castle.

They aren't going steady, he doesn't think. Lily still hasn't told anyone about what they are doing, nor will she kiss him in public or display even the barest hint of how intimately they know each other, but she is slowly opening up to the possibility, James thinks. She has once again begun to sit with him in classes and at mealtimes, and he has noted with some smugness that she does not shift away from him when he edges slightly closer to her. She hasn't held his hand again like at the Quidditch match, or kissed his cheek, but she is no longer avoiding him. James certainly takes that as a victory.

One afternoon late in the school year finds James and his mates seated under their favorite beech tree near the Black Lake. Remus is attempting to study for their end-of-year Defense exam while simultaneously tutoring Peter in Charms while James reads over his Potions notes before the exam later in the afternoon.

"Are you even listening to me, Prongs?" Sirius says loudly, causing James to look up from his notes quickly.

"What?"

"Prat!" Sirius complains, grabbing the parchment from James's hands. "I'm trying to plan the prank."

"Oi, give that back!" James protests, stealing his notes back from a put-out Sirius. "Fantastic, you've crumpled it. Does that say 'five' counterclockwise stirs or 'nine?'"

"Who the bloody hell cares!" Sirius shouts, causing Peter to jump and accidentally send fire shooting out of his wand instead of water. Remus quickly waves his wand and the fire disappears, leaving behind a patch of scorched grass.

"Damn it, Sirius!" Peter exclaims. "I was so close to getting it right that time!"

"Perhaps we should try this again later, Peter," Remus suggests, closing his Defense book and taking his Charms notes back from Peter. "The exam isn't for another week, anyway."

"Sirius, our written Potions exam is in three hours and I cannot remember all the steps to the Draught of Living Death." James attempts once more to smooth out his notes, but stops when he senses all his mate's eyes on him. He looks up to see varying amounts of disbelief on their faces and suddenly feels defensive. "What?"

"Since when do you care about Potions?" Sirius narrows his eyes at him suspiciously as he slouches back against the trunk of the tree.

"Yeah, I thought you were of the belief that as long as you knew most of the steps, you could usually figure out the rest well enough on your own," Peter says, then laughs and shakes his head. "Remember first year when you forgot half of the steps to the Forgetfulness Potion and tried to convince Slughorn it was only because you had brewed it perfectly and had already drunk it, and so had to do it again? That earned you your first set of lines, didn't it?"

"Yes, but that was first year, Peter. I didn't care about anything other than having a laugh. Now I've got to do well if I want to continue on with Potions next year."

"And why have you got to continue with it next year?" Sirius demands with an indignant eyeroll. "Nothing to do with a redheaded bird with a Potions fetish, is it?"

"Sirius," Remus says quietly, shaking his head cautiously when his brooding mate looks up at him.

"No, I'm tired of pretending that we have no idea what's going on there!" Sirius says, sitting up suddenly.

"But we really do have no idea what's going on there."

"Shut it, Peter!" Sirius growls, then sighs when he catches Remus's reproving glare. "What I meant was that we know something is happening there, we just don't know what and it's really insulting that you're keeping it from us and acting like it's nothing."

"What the hell is this?" James exclaims, bounding to his feet and throwing his notes down, glaring around at his friends in disapproval. "Have you all been talking about me behind my back?"

"Not like we've had much opportunity to talk to your face, mate! We've given you space and opportunity to talk to us on your own time, but it's getting ridiculous now!" Sirius says, languidly standing and straightening to his full height, though James towers over him as always. "You're always off with your new mate there. But, oh ho, there's nothing going on. You're only determined to continue on with Potions to impress her."

"Wanting to continue with Potions next year has nothing to do with Lily!" James insists, refraining from saying anything about his relationship with her. He hasn't been lying to his friends, but he has been keeping them in the dark and it has been eating at him since this whole thing began.

"Oh, no?" Sirius clearly has something witty in mind to say, but James quickly cuts him off, speaking over him.

"No! If you must know, Potions is one of the NEWT classes required to get into the Auror program." James flushes, feeling the bewildered eyes of Remus and Peter on him once more.

Sirius pauses, clearly caught off-guard. "How did you find that out?"

James hesitates. "McGonagall told me."

"When did you talk to McGonagall about the Auror program?" Sirius is completely deflated now, his outrage shifting to confusion.

James sighs, feigning annoyance, but truly he is relieved to have distracted Sirius for the time being. "At our meeting regarding my future career plans."

"That was last year, and you told her you planned to be a professional Potter and live on looking after your inheritance." Sirius chuckles, no doubt at the memory of McGonagall's face when James had left the meeting with her. She had been positively puce with frustration over the fact that one of her most prodigious students ever refused to take his future seriously.

"I had another meeting with her," James admits.

Sirius cocks his head and looks to Remus and Peter, both of whom, James glances back to see, look just as dumbfounded. "Another meeting?"

"Several, actually." James pivots to more easily face all three of his mates. "Since I have essentially been on academic probation since the stunt with the Slytherin common room, we've been having weekly meetings to discuss my maturation progress. You knew all this."

"Well, yeah," Peter says hesitantly, glancing at Remus and Sirius, looking positively uncertain. "But we thought it was all a bit of a joke to you."

"It was, at first. But what with everything going on out there, you know, in the real world…" James frowns, thinking of the headline in the Daily Prophet just this morning, the one stating that a handful of muggle-borns and their muggle families had been found dead in recent weeks. There was no definite information provided but James, and anyone with half a brain, knows that it was the work of Voldemort's band of followers. It doesn't take a genius to know that a blood-war is on the horizon. "I dunno. I think anyone would be remiss not to have a real plan for after we leave."

"And your plan is to become an Auror." Sirius's stare for him is blank.

James shrugs. "I want to make a difference here. I can't just stand by and do nothing."

"Well, you're wicked talented," Peter says. "You'll be a great Auror."

"And so shall I," Sirius says promptly.

James feels the barest hint of a smile pass over his face. "Will you, now?"

"Hey, I can't let you be the only one doing something impressive to make a difference in the world." Sirius grins at him and James can't help but grin back.

He actually feels as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He may not have come clean with them about Lily, but at least he told them about something else that has been weighing heavy on his mind. James doesn't even know why he didn't tell his mates about his endeavor to become an Auror - there was never a doubt in his mind that they would support him.

Remus lets out what sounds like a cross between a snort and a legitimate chuckle. "You know you do actually need to make the grades for this, don't you, Padfoot?"

"Please, Moony." Sirius waves a dismissive hand in the air, smirking confidently around at his mates. "I can make the grades, no problem. So can Prongs - don't know why he's so worried - and Merlin knows you've already got them. And Wormtail… well… we'll help you make them, Pete."

"Thanks," Peter says with a frown for Sirius.

"You're still hiding something from us, though," Sirius mutters.

"Padfoot," James groans.

"Don't worry; we'll figure it out," Sirius says.

James sighs as Sirius returns to leaning back languidly against the tree trunk. When James lowers himself back to sit next to Sirius, he catches the concerned look on Remus's face, but he doesn't have time to consider it before Sirius starts talking again.

"As I was saying. Our end-of-year prank. I know you and I are on rocky ground with McGonagall as far as pranks are concerned, but I figure if we operate with extreme caution, she'll never be able to prove we had anything to do with it. And if she can't prove it, she can't expel us. So, I was thinking…"  
\----  
They weren't originally planning on spending the night in the woods, but when Peter pointed out that the next full moon was after school lets out - "and, besides, we haven't camped out in the woods since fourth year" - the others agreed easily. There will be no werewolf tonight and, therefore, the four of them have decided as a group that there will be no Animagi transformations either. Just four blokes breaking school rules and drinking Firewhiskey and eating house-elf-prepared culinary masterpieces in the middle of an extremely dangerous and off-limits forest.

Sirius and Peter are off filching food from the kitchens, leaving James and Remus to remember the alcohol, which is stashed safely away in the rucksack resting at James's feet.

"So," Remus says after a moment of silence made uncomfortable only by the fact that James is all-too-aware that Remus has been struggling all night to decide whether or not he should say whatever it is he's had on his mind, which tells James that it isn't something he wants to discuss. "Any plans over the summer?"

James frowns and feels his left eyebrow inch up towards his hairline. He turns to study Remus for a moment. "Just messing about with you lot, I expect."

"Hmm." Remus scratches his chin as he nods. "Not planning to see Lily?"

And there it is. James groans. "Not you too, mate."

"What? I'm not badgering you!" Remus says quickly. "Not even implying there may be something beyond friendship there. Friends see each other over summer."

James glares at Remus for a moment before letting out a long, deep breath. "Sirius put you up to this, didn't he?"

"No, of course not. Just making conversation." James knows it's a lie, and Remus knows that James knows it's a lie. Because Remus doesn't ramble on like this and he doesn't push for information, which isn't to say that Remus isn't curious or doesn't care. He is just perfectly content to discover information on his own, or wait for it to be divulged willingly. Which means that Remus likely lost a bet with Sirius and was made to ask him about Lily.

James sighs and drags a hand through his hair. "Look, mate, I don't even know what's going on with me and Lily. I swear to you, as soon as I know, you lot will know. Okay?"

"Okay," Remus says. "I'll pass it on."

They are silent again for a moment. James chews on his bottom lip contemplatively for a moment. "I just want to be sure before I say anything because it's… It means a lot to me." Feeling awkward, he drags his foot along the ground, drawing a line through the layer of leaves covering the grass. "And if it's not what I want it to be…"

"James, I get it," Remus says quietly when James trails off. "Trust me, I know how serious you are about her, how desperately you want this to be something. I'll try to convince the boys to back off until you get it all sorted with her."

"Yeah, well…" James rubs the back of his neck. "Thanks."

Remus hums in response. Out of the corner of his eye, James sees Remus's mouth stretch into a wide smirk. "It was Peter, by the way."

"What was?"

"Peter came up with the idea to separate into two pairs so that I could question you." Remus's ensuing chuckle is slightly dark. "I didn't want to agree, but… We had a bet over a game of Gobstones."

"Moony!" James laughs loudly. "You didn't really bet Peter you could beat him at Gobstones?"

Peter is the resident Gobstones champion, not even just in their little group, but in all of Gryffindor. In fact, James can't think of a single person in the entire school who has ever beat Peter at Gobstones.

"I thought I was going to have to buy him a drink the next time we went out! Those are usually the terms - loser buys winner a round of drinks!" Remus's voice is raised in defense. "It's not even a game of strategy, is it? Just chance. It's his own dumb luck he always wins."

James just continues to laugh. He is about to point out to Remus that there is, in fact, some strategy necessary in the game, when a terrible scream rips through the air.

"What the hell was that?" James asks, his hand already whipping his wand out of the waistband of his jeans.

"It sounded like a girl," Remus says. "We should…"

James motions for Remus to be quiet when he hears a faint sobbing sound coming from deeper within the forest. There is a thrashing sound and a deep male voice curses. As one, James and Remus crouch down and begin to inch their way toward the noise.

The closer they get, the more evident the situation becomes to them. "Keep her quiet," the deep voice commands.

"Silencio," says a gruff female voice.

"Tha's better. Pretty thing, ain't ya? S'too bad you ain't worth nothing."

"What are you going to do?" demands a third, disgustingly familiar male voice.

James glances at Remus. Even in the dark, he can tell by the grim set of his mate's mouth that Remus has recognized the voice as well.

"I've got an idea," the first male says as James and Remus find themselves nearing the edge of a small clearing not deep into the forest. "Pretty bird."

A desperate, horrified whimper sounds as Remus leads James to crouch behind a tall, full bush bordering the clearing. "Can you see what's going on?" Remus whispers to James, who shakes his head and inches away from Remus to peer around the side of the bush. "Careful!"

James ignores Remus's near-silent warning and quietly moves a low-hanging branch out of his way so that he can see the group of students in the clearing.

He doesn't recognize the terrified young girl, which means she likely is not a Gryffindor, but that doesn't matter to him one bit. He does, however, recognize all three of the Slytherins with her. Amycus and Alecto Carrow, seventh-year brother and sister seem to be the main antagonists. Alecto is holding her wand to the girl's throat while her brother tears at the girl's robes, laughing gleefully all the while. The victim's mouth is open in a magically-silent scream while Severus Snape stands guard, his mouth stretched in a tight scowl and wand drawn while he clearly keeps watch.

"Whatever you're going to do, get on with it," Snape says, turning his back to the Carrows and their victim to squint into the dark forest. "We haven't got all night."

James feels his lip curl in distaste. His wand is in his hand and he begins to straighten, a dozen harmful curses playing through his mind, when Remus grasps his shoulder and pulls him back down.

"Wait. We're outnumbered. We need a strategy."

"They're going to rape that girl," James growls. "She can't be more than twelve. We have to do something!"

"And we will! But we can't just go in there without thinking it through. They're dangerous, all three of them. The Carrows may not be brilliant, but they know the Dark Arts," Remus reminds him.

A glance back around the hedge tells James that the Carrows' taunting of the girl is likely to last several more minutes, the overconfident dimwits. His shoulders slump and he nods in resignation as Remus begins to formulate a plan.

"Oi, you abominable twats!" Sirius's voice booms from the opposite side of the clearing. "Just what the fuck do you think you're doing?"

There is a flash of bright purple light in Sirius's direction and James leaps out from behind the hedge.

"So much for a plan." Remus sighs and stands, his wand at the ready and already slinging hexes.

That's when all hell breaks loose.  
\----  
No one seems to know the full details of what happened that night. All anyone knows is that the Marauders were involved in a duel with three Slytherins, one of whom was Severus Snape, and the Gryffindors came out victorious.

The victim of the whole ordeal turns out to be, quite unsurprisingly, a Muggleborn. Her name is Heather Rowe, she is a Hufflepuff, and she is in her second year. James was right when he observed that she couldn't be more than twelve. The confirmation sickens him.

The day after the ordeal, Professor Dumbledore calls the Marauders into his office to explain the situation to them.

There are four plush armchairs arranged in front of the Headmaster's desk and each of his friends takes a seat in one, but James chooses to remain standing. He is too outraged over what nearly happened to the poor girl to sit still. He wasn't even able to sleep last night; instead he spent the entire night pacing his dormitory while his mates slept around him.

"I expect you all know why you have been called in here," the Headmaster begins in a somber tone. All four boys give nods varying from nervous, in Peter's case, to rebellious, in Sirius's. "I wish to address the events of last night. As you all know, three older students were involved in what would have been a much more terrible attack on a defenseless young girl…"

"All due respect, Professor, we were there. We know what happened. You can spare us the summary of events." James tries, and mostly fails, to keep his tone in check. He glares at the ground. "You can just get straight to the punishments."

"Very well, Mr. Potter," Professor Dumbledore says. "School rules are very clear. No student is to be out of their common room past curfew and, more explicitly, no student is allowed to set foot in the Forbidden Forest."

"Is that why they call it Forbidden?" Sirius's voice is dripping in the false innocence that no professor at Hogwarts has ever believed. Professor Dumbledore's gaze turns to him. "It only just registered in my mind."

The Headmaster's eyes twinkle with something resembling amusement before he continues to speak. "Amycus and Alecto Carrow and Severus Snape are not the only three students who broke those two rules last night."

James frowns at Dumbledore while Sirius slouches further into his chair, wordlessly stating that he doesn't care for the rules. On either side of him, Remus sits up straighter and Peter fidgets nervously.

"I don't know what you four were doing out in the forest last night, but I think it is clear that whatever it was…" James steels himself for news of his and Sirius's expulsion - McGonagall was quite clear after Lily's prank on the Slytherins that James and Sirius would be expelled if they received even one more detention. "…Miss Rowe is very fortunate that you were there."

"Professor?" Remus asks after a pause during which the Headmaster watches them with something akin to pride shining behind his spectacles.

"Fifty points will be awarded to Gryffindor for each of you," Professor Dumbledore continues. "You will not receive any detentions. However, I must implore that you refrain from gallivanting in the Forest in future. It really is prohibited for a reason."

"And the Slytherins?" Sirius asks before Remus can thank Professor Dumbledore for his leniency, which James is sure he is bound to do.

"The Carrows have been expelled from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and will not be allowed to sit their NEWTs." Dumbledore gazes at the four boys in front of him over steepled fingers. "They have already departed the castle and are to be added to the Ministry's watch-list."

Sirius scoffs. James understands why. It's not as if the two of them need any NEWTs for what they plan to do with their lives. James very seriously doubts that Voldemort cares very much for grades, but for viciousness and malintent, neither of which either of the Carrows are lacking. At least, though, the Ministry will know what horrible people they are.

"What about Snivellus?" Sirius snarls.

Dumbledore pauses for a moment and James's heart drops. A pause like that always means that the speaker has news that the listener will not be pleased with. He straightens up where he leans against the doorframe.

"Mr. Snape has expressed remorse for his part in the events of last night," Professor Dumbledore says.

"Of course he has," Sirius grumbles. "Coward can't own up to anything he does, can he?"

"Obviously I am unable to disclose to you the exact nature of my conversation with Mr. Snape," Dumbledore says. "However, it is my personal belief that Mr. Snape would not have allowed events to progress much farther than they did."

"Well, they progressed too far as it was anyway, didn't they?" Peter says timidly, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

Professor Dumbledore strokes his long silver beard. He opens his mouth to speak.

"What sort of punishment has he received?" James asks harshly before Dumbledore has a chance to answer Peter.

"Mr. Snape will be on academic probation for the remainder of his time at Hogwarts," Dumbledore says. "If he takes one misstep, he will be dealt with firmly."

There is a pregnant silence in the room as the information sinks in. Sirius gapes at Professor Dumbledore while Peter frowns, looking utterly confused as this miscarriage of justice. Remus merely stares at the Headmaster. James, for his part, focuses on controlling his breathing and slowing his pulse. His vision is beginning to go blurry with rage. He closes his eyes.

"Professor, do you really think that wise?" Remus's voice is tinny, but cautious, in James's head. "He was voluntarily complicit in the whole ordeal. We heard everything…"

"Mr. Lupin, I understand your concern and I do appreciate how difficult this information may be for you to process. I know there is no love lost between you four and Mr. Snape. However, I have discussed the matter at length with Mr. Snape and I cannot discuss it any further with you."

James feels as though his heart is about to explode. He launches himself away from the doorframe and turns around, gripping the handle and forcing the door open. He is halfway down the staircase leading away from the Headmaster's office by the time the echoing boom of it slamming shut behind him passes.

Some time later, Peter finds James down by the lake. James isn't sure how or when he got there, but he knows that it must have been a while ago because his back is impossibly hot under the glaring sun.

"Heather isn't coming back next year," Peter says quietly as he lowers himself to sit beside James.

James turns his blank expression away from the lake to watch as Peter awkwardly crosses his legs beneath him.

"She asked Professor Dumbledore to modify her memory so that she wouldn't remember what happened to her, but he wouldn't do it," Peter continues. "Said it will give her strength eventually, knowing that she survived something so awful, so she asked if she could leave the school instead."

James flops down onto his back and closes his eyes. He really doesn't care to hear any more about this. He feels oddly empty inside.

"She's going to continue her education, at least. A Ministry official will collect her every day from her home and bring her to the Ministry where she'll receive one-on-one tutoring until she feels up to returning to school."

"She won't," James says.

"Hmm?"

"Return. She'll never come back here. She feels as though she's been failed." Suddenly, a spark of the indignant rage he has been harboring since he realized what was happening to the poor soul rekindles inside of him. He sits up straight and glares into the Forbidden Forest across the Black Lake. "And she's right, isn't she? She was tortured and almost raped, Peter. And, sure, two of the perpetrators were kicked out of school, but one of them barely got a slap on the wrist. If she comes back next year, she'll see that scum every day. And even after he graduates, she'll remember what happened every time she walks across school grounds. And nothing was done to ensure that nothing like this ever happens again. Dumbledore failed her. No one knows about it and we're not allowed to tell them. If that isn't injustice, then I dunno what is."

Beside him, Peter is silent for a moment. "Well, isn't it almost sort of better this way?"

James turns to stare, horrified, at Peter, who stammers to correct himself.

"Not-not that the punishments weren't severe enough. They should have been sent to prison - maybe not Azkaban, but somewhere. I only meant… well, she's safer there at the Ministry, isn't she? There are no Death Eaters or future Death Eaters there. No one will hunt her or taunt her or torture her there and she'll still be learning."

"Pete, the Ministry isn't all good anymore. Haven't you been reading the Prophet? They're downplaying what's happening out there. People are dying and they're reporting these murders as tragic accidents." James sighs and pauses a moment to chuck a stone into the Lake. Instead of skipping across the surface as he had intended, it sinks instantly. He frowns. "They're not taking sides until the outcome of all this is more clear. She won't be safe there forever. None of us are safe anymore. Besides, everyone knows Hogwarts is the safest place in the world. She may feel more comfortable with her parents, but she isn't. They're tracking down Muggleborns and their families and slaughtering them out there, and the Ministry is powerless to stop them. "

"But the Aurors… They're Ministry." Peter looks frightened and worried now, but James can't bring himself to comfort him. The world is frightening and worrisome and there is nothing he can do to change that at the moment.

"Yeah. But for how long will they keep protecting people?" James turns to look at Peter so he can convey how incredibly serious he is about this. "If the Ministry falls to the Death Eaters, Aurors won't be good anymore."

"But I thought…" Peter trails off, but James doesn't need him to finish his statement; he already knows what the smaller boy is thinking.

"I don't know what I'm going to do anymore, Pete." James sighs and drags a hand through his hair. "But I've got to do something."

They sit there for several more minutes, both of them thinking their own private thoughts and worrying their own private worries over the state of the world. After a while, James's back begins to ache and he stands up to stretch. He reaches down and slaps Peter gently on the shoulder.

"Come on, Pete, let's get inside."  
\----  
He hasn't seen Lily since before the horrors in the Forbidden Forest and that really just doesn't sit right with him. They've been sitting their final examinations all week, of course, so she's probably just busy studying. It's just… they had been studying together for weeks and now it suddenly feels as though she is back to avoiding him. James does his best to convince himself that she has just been stressing over her grades and hasn't reverted to only coming to him when she wants to have sex with him. He's been giving her space so as not to further stress her out during exams.

Examinations are finally over, though, and they are heading back to London on the train in the morning, so he figures he had better speak to her again soon lest he find himself miserable and confused all summer long.

He doesn't see her all day. In fact, the first time he thinks she even leaves her dormitory is to head down to the Leaving Feast with her roommates. As soon as he recognizes that dark auburn hair, he ditches his mates and hurries down the staircase after her.

"Lily!" He calls when he is almost caught up to her, but she keeps walking. "Lily, wait!"

Marlene and Emmeline pause on either side of Lily, who keeps moving forward a few steps before finally stopping, realizing, James supposes, that if her friends have stopped, she can't continue to pretend not to have heard him. She slowly turns to face him.

"Can I have a word?" He asks when he reaches her.

"The feast is starting, and I'm really starved," Lily says.

"Yeah, I am too, so we'll make it quick, alright?" James smiles when Lily nods.

She leads him a short way away from the crowd entering the Great Hall and stops, turning to face him, eyebrows raised in question. "What do you want?"

James lets out one quick, soft laugh, glancing around and realizing that anyone walking past them is liable to overhear their conversation. "Can we talk in private?"

"James…"

"All right, fine. We can stay right here where everyone can see us and you can be sure I won't seduce you out of your knickers." He says it with a grin and a wink, but Lily still manages to look offended and royally pissed off.

"Potter!" she exclaims, looking round. She relaxes a bit when she sees that no one was within earshot when he said that.

James's grin fades. "I'm only kidding! Merlin, Lily."

"Yeah, okay." Lily sighs and angles her body so that she is not quite facing him, instead looking over his left shoulder. "What did you want?"

"Well." James frowns. "I've been wanting to talk to you about something in particular for some time now."

Lily looks distinctly uncomfortable now. "Yeah?"

"Lily, okay, well I don't really know how to say this without sounding like a prat, considering all we've gotten up to already. But, will you go out with me?" He pulls a hand through his hair and breathes out a relieved chuckle, glad to finally have come out with it. "There, sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?"

But Lily doesn't laugh along with him. Instead, she looks distinctly displeased with him. "God, James, why did you have to do this?"

James feels his heart rate quicken. His face falls drastically. "What?"

Lily tosses her hands in the air and turns away from him completely. "Make it so difficult!"

"What are you on about, Lily?" James reaches out for her arm, but she turns to face him, eyes ablaze, before he can touch her. He lets his arm fall back to his side.

"It was working fine, Potter!" Lily hisses, clearly keeping her voice down so that no one will overhear."We were… shagging and that was it and it was fine! But then you kept trying to change that and make it more than just a shag here and there and it's just gotten all fucked up!"

He can't help but realize that people are beginning to take notice of them and that knowledge does nothing to help him find any words. He flounders for a moment. "…What?"

"I don't want to be your girlfriend, James. I don't even want to be your friend. I don't even particularly like you," Lily says harshly and James takes a step back from her, at once angry and hurt.

For a moment, he stammers nonsense. Then he comes to his senses, though he isn't quite capable of keeping his voice down. "What the bloody hell are you on about? We've been good, Lily! We've been friends! We've been getting on fine! But now you're acting like the stuck-up priss you've been been all these past six years."

"Oh, I'm stuck-up now!" Lily's voice has risen to the all-too-familiar antagonized screech she used to save just for him.

"You've always been stuck up, Lily!" James shouts, shoving aside the knowledge that he really, really doesn't want to fight with her. It hurts, but it's necessary right now, isn't it? Something had to happen between them. This just wasn't quite the way he imagined it going. "Acting like I'm a terrible person, so beneath you just because I like to have fun with my mates! It's unfair, to be honest!"

"Well, you know, maybe if you hadn't been such a pompous, arrogant arse. Maybe if you had tried to be genuine with me…" Lily trails off with a spiteful laugh.

Incredibly offended, James scoffs. "When was I supposed to do that? You decided when we were eleven that I was far beneath you, that I would never be worthy of your attention except to yell at me! How is a bloke supposed to be genuine with a girl whose favorite thing to call him is an arrogant toerag, who glares at him every chance she gets and acts like she expects him to hex someone every time she sees him?"

"Well, you did!" She throws her hands up in the air.

James rolls his eyes. "Couldn't have had anything to do with the fact that the only time you ever paid me any attention at all was to yell at me, could it?"

Lily steps up to him, her voice growing more menacing. "Oh, don't you dare blame me for your bullying the past six years, Potter!"

Far from being intimidated, however, James shakes his head and does not back down. "Who exactly have I bullied this year, Evans? No one! I don't hex anyone for no reason anymore; I don't even curse dear Snivellus unprovoked anymore! The closest I've come to bullying this year is that prank I pulled on Slytherin a few months ago." He sends her a significant, mocking look that has her looking quite stricken. "Stop treating me like the stupid kid I was and see me for who I am, why don't you?"

Thrown for a moment by the reminder that she is the one who really screwed up this year, Lily struggles for something to say, her mouth opening and closing a few times. "I've been trying! You're the one who keeps acting like I'm going to turn on you any second!"

James makes a wide, sarcastic, sweeping gesture with his hand. "And here we are!"

"Yes, well you were dueling!" Lily shouts.

James pauses, surprised. Then it dawns on him. It all makes so much sense suddenly, why she started avoiding him again. He feels his anger deflate and his voice softens. "This is about what happened last week in the forest? Lily, why didn't you just talk to me about that? I could have explained…"

"Explained what?" Lily demands, but continues on before he can respond. Explained how you just happened to get in a duel and Severus just happened to be there? I think I know how it happened, Potter!"

His mouth drops open and his rage is quite fiercely reignited at the mention of the Snape's name. "Yeah, well you clearly don't!"

"You have always hated Severus and you have never hesitated to attack him unprompted. You saw an opportunity and you took it!" Lily accuses.

James is so bloody furious at this point that he can hardly think straight. "I was defending someone who couldn't defend themselves! If you think I should just turn my back on someone being tortured for their blood status because one of the people participating in the torture happens to have been friends with you at one point, then you don't know the first thing about me, or what it means to be a Gryffindor!"

"How dare you! I know plenty!"

"You have no idea what happened out there and yet you're so quick to put the blame on me!" An image of what happened that night, of Hannah Rowe's terrified face, her torn clothing, her bruised and bloody body flashes through his mind and he clenches his fists.

Lily arches one brow and smirks at him. "I've heard an account."

"Whose account? Snape's?" Lily doesn't respond to him, but the fact that she refuses to meet his eyes is confirmation enough for him. He laughs humorlessly. "God, Lily, you can't be serious! You're back to just taking his word for it, to thinking he's this innocent little darling who can do no wrong. Just… what did he tell you? No, really, I'm dying to know how he spun it because I can guarantee that it is nothing like what actually happened. If you knew the truth, Evans, you would be ashamed to have ever been friends with that monster."

He thinks something he says resonates with her, because she pauses for a moment, but then she tosses her head back and the glint of anger returns to her eye. "I can't stand you right now!"

Frustrated beyond belief, and really honestly wanting nothing more to do with her at the moment, James responds without thinking. "Feeling's mutual, Evans!"

Lily regards him with cold eyes. "Well maybe we should just stay away from each other if we can't stand each other."

His heart shatters. At least he thinks it does. But he is still so angry and he can't back down from this one because this is one instance where he knows he is right. He shakes his head, but meets her eye, determination coursing through him.

"It's like you've read my mind. Stay the hell away from me." James turns on his heel and heads back away from the Great Hall, suddenly not hungry at all.  
\----  
James is sitting in a compartment with Sirius, Peter, and Remus, all of whom are going to extraordinary lengths to keep James's mind off of Lily Evans when the very girl in question walks into the compartment. Her face is pale and drawn and her eyes are downcast and James tries his damnedest to ignore the fluttering in his chest.

"If I could have a word?" she says quietly.

"Go right ahead." It is with great effort that James keeps his voice void of emotion.

"In private?" Lily says.

"What do you need with privacy? You had no qualms about yelling in front of the entire school how the shitstorm the other night was all James's fault," Sirius says savagely. "Can't say whatever else it is you've got to say in front of his mates?"

"Please," Lily whispers, meeting James's eyes for the first time. It is the tremor in her voice that makes him stand.

He is silent as he brushes past her and into the empty corridor. He begins to lead her further towards the middle of the train as that is where the empty compartments are usually to be found. James doesn't bother to check behind him to be sure she is keeping up.

Not too far down the corridor he finds an empty compartment and leads her into it. Once she has followed him inside, he shuts the door behind her and pulls the curtains down over the windows. Wordlessly, he draws his wand and soundproofs the compartment.

"James…" Lily starts, but she is cut off rather abruptly by his mouth hot and hard against hers.

True to form with their kisses, this one is like nothing they've ever shared before. James does not wait for invitation; he demands entrance into her mouth. His tongue sweeps past her lips to do battle with hers. It isn't long before she has to pull her mouth away to gasp for breath, he having stolen all of hers.

He doesn't stop, though, moving his lips instead to her neck, where he clamps down none-too-gently, and sucks. His fingers move quick and sure to unbutton her blouse and he shoves the material to either side, pushing her bra up towards her chin to ravage her breasts with mouth and hands.

Meanwhile, Lily's hands find purchase in his hair and her leg hooks around his waist, pulling him closer to her. She moans long and low when he rocks his hips into hers and then he is pulling her skirt up, her knickers down. His fingers make a few quick swipes within her folds to coat them with her arousal before he begins to rub her mercilessly. Lily's head falls back and bangs against the window and she moans higher now, louder. It isn't long before she comes, quaking and gasping against him.

And then his cock is there, hard and insistent and inside her and she is as warm and slick as ever before and James hates himself for doing it, he really does, but it still feels so wonderful and that only frustrates him more and fuels him to plunge harder and faster and deeper into her. And he feels her walls tighten around him, her hands pulling at his hair, her teeth digging into his neck in a desperate attempt to keep herself quiet and then he is coming as well and it is wonderful and awful at the same time and he is just so empty.

"James… Oh, God, James." She is panting and she collapses into a seat and her skirt is still folded up to her waist and her shirt is still open, her bra still askew and she looks ridiculous, but so sexy.

James forces himself to look away to fix his trousers, the only article of his clothing that has been altered in any way. He cinches his belt around his waist and when he looks up, Lily is still sitting there as if in a daze, looking utterly content. If he were capable of feeling anything at the moment, he thinks he might feel smug.

"You should fix your clothes," James tells her when she makes no move to right herself.

"Mmm, in a moment," she says, and then she looks at him and she realizes that his hand is on the door waiting for her to redress so he can leave and her face falls and she is no longer content. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going back to my compartment." He states it as if it is the most obvious thing in the world, which he thinks it should be. "You got what you wanted, didn't you?"

"What? You… you think I wanted to see you alone… just for this?" Lily stands up and her skirt falls back to cover her, but her knickers are still pooled around her one ankle and she makes no move to cover her breasts.

"Well, isn't that what you always want me alone for? Isn't a hurried, secret fuck all I'm good for to you?" He has never been so cold to her, especially not when they are alone, and he sees the moment she realizes what's going on. She bristles.

"I wanted to say that I'm sorry," Lily says through gritted teeth. "McGonagall sought me out after our argument last night and told me that I was bang out of line for it and that I really hadn't got all the facts and that you were, in fact, not at fault for whatever it is that happened and I just felt awful."

"Thanks. Now can you please get dressed so I can get the hell out of here?" James practically snarls.

"Why are you being such a prat about this? I said I was sorry. I was wrong, okay? You're not at fault for the duel." Lily's face has started to resemble her hair and her eyes are going to angry slits and James is disappointed in himself for still thinking she's beautiful. "And then you take me here and you fuck me and it's incredibly intense and I've just and the two best orgasms of my fucking life and here you are acting like you want nothing to do with me."

"That's because I do want nothing to do with you," James lies. "Did you miss that last night? I really meant it. Stay away from me."

"I don't understand," Lily says and her face is still red, but her eyes are softer and more vulnerable and James is still just so angry. "I thought you wanted this. I thought you wanted me."

"I wanted to be your boyfriend, Evans. I didn't want to just hurry and fuck you and pretend nothing happened afterwards. I wanted to hold your hand and kiss you in the Great Hall for everyone to see and snog you down by the lake and in the corridors and in broom cupboards and in the common room. And, yeah, I wanted to fuck you, but I wanted it to be in a bed sometimes and I wanted you to stick around after and just be with me. I wanted to love you and I wanted you to love me back. The last thing I wanted was a secret, and that's all I got."

James groans and paces the limited space in the compartment. His hands tug at his hair. "God damn it, you've completely fucked me."

Lily looks stricken and her mouth opens as if to speak, but James just shakes his head.

"And I just want you to fucking fix your clothes so I can open the bloody door and get away from you!" James shouts, thankful for the charm he put up to prevent them from being overheard.

"James, please let's talk about this," Lily starts, but begins straightening her clothes anyway.

"No. There is nothing more to talk about," James insists. "You have treated me like complete shite, Evans, and I had so hoped you wouldn't."

"James."

"No. I can't. I'm done. I'm just so done." He turns from her, still shaking his head, and opens the compartment door to escape her, feeling utterly broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. It's been almost a year, hasn't it? I don't really have much of an explanation other than that life has been interesting for me lately and I got distracted and forgot for a while that I really do want to finish this story. But, hey, I'm back and I am more determined than ever to get through this.
> 
> I think I originally intended for this story to only be three chapters, but that is clearly not the case. There is, in fact, one more chapter after this. I already have it partially planned out. It won't be a year before I post it, I swear to you.
> 
> Sorry if this chapter didn't go quite the way you wanted it to. I don't think it's quite how I originally intended it to be, but it's where it went and I'm pretty satisfied. I just started frequenting tumblr again after like ten months away, and I changed my URL to jamespotterismyhomeboy so you can find me there and follow me, talk to me, ask me questions, or you know, not. Whatever, it's up to you.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and hopefully for not having given up on this story. I'd love it if you'd leave a review, but only if you want to.


	4. The (M)End Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As an apology for the 18 month wait, I am posting the next (and actual last) chapter right after I post this one. So very sorry for the wait. I hope you enjoy.

The (M)End:  
Part 1

It comes in the mail barely a week before they are due to return to school. For several long minutes, he stares blankly at the two heavy badges that fall out of the thick envelope. He picks up the first, familiar, badge, and is unsurprised to find that he has been reinstated as Quidditch Captain. He did, after all, mostly avoid getting in any sort of trouble for the majority of the year. He sets the Captain badge down on the table next to the regular letter detailing all of the equipment and books he will need for the year. 

Then, shaking his head in bemusement, he skims the letter that accompanies the second, completely unexpected badge. He is Head Boy. This is no joke or mistake; the badge and letter clearly were not inserted into the wrong envelope seeing as the letter is plainly addressed to James Potter and details the expectations that Professor Dumbledore has for him. 

He is to report to the Prefect carriage on the train where there will be another, more detailed packet of information awaiting him and the Head Girl, who are expected to work together to help the teachers ensure that the school year runs as smoothly as possible. 

His mind is still reeling with shock at finding the badge and letter, so it takes him a few minutes to notice the line at the bottom of the letter, added as if in afterthought: 

If you would like to contact the Head Girl and begin planning ahead of time, I have appointed Miss Lily Evans as your counterpart. I trust the two of you to work well together and balance each other’s practices. 

Yours most sincerely,    
Headmaster Albus Dumbledore

At this, James’s mouth falls open in outright shock. He is expected to work professionally and respectfully with Lily Evans? He suspects that any screaming matches between the two of them will be strictly frowned upon. Forcing his mouth to close, he frowns when he recalls their last encounter wherein he told her to keep her distance from him. He had said such awful things to her - true things, of course, but awful still - and she had looked so shocked and, he realizes now, hurt.

He can only imagine what’s in store for him on the Hogwarts Express. 

Fuck if he isn’t doomed.   
——  
They are early to the train station because James wants a moment in the Prefects’ Carriage before Lily arrives so that he can look over the information - he will need more time than she to absorb all that they are going to be responsible for this year, after all. Sirius is grumbling as he carts his heavy trunk along behind him, cross at James for making him wake up earlier than was strictly necessary. 

“You didn’t have to come with me, mate,” James points out, rolling his eyes as he hefts his own trunk across the gap onto the train. 

“I couldn’t stay when Mum and Dad were following you.” Sirius glares at his trunk and attempts to kick it onto the train so as not to strain himself more than necessary, but it doesn’t budge. 

Frowning at his parents over Sirius’s shoulder, James reaches back onto the platform and pulls Sirius’s trunk onto the train for him. He doesn’t bother to reassure Sirius that Potter Manor is his home now, too, just as Mr. and Mrs. Potter are Sirius’s parents now. He knows that Sirius understands this. James suspects, rather, that Sirius wanted to come along so that he could spend a bit more time with their parents, and because he was probably worried about them making the long trip to the station. 

“I didn’t ask them to come, either.” He and Sirius are seventeen now, and both have their Apparition licenses, so it really wasn’t necessary for his parents to tag along. 

“This is the last time they’ll see us off on this thing,” Sirius says, following James’s gaze. The corners of his mouth turn down even more. “They wouldn’t miss that for anything.” 

“I just don’t think they should still be Apparating.” James shrugs in an effort to disguise his worry. “Not at their age.” 

Sirius only grunts and lifts a shoulder in a careless sort of shrug which James understands as a sign of reluctant agreement. Sirius is always the first one to defend his parents’ capability and the fact that he isn’t now makes James’s heart sink. It means that James hasn’t been imagining his mother’s sudden frailty or her persistent, lingering cough. It means that Sirius may have also noticed the fact that his father definitely got lost on the way to the loo the other day and ended up in the study instead, gazing around in confusion at the house that he had lived in his whole life. 

James sighs and shakes his head when Sirius looks at him. “Let’s find a compartment to put our trunks in, yeah?” 

“Sure.” Sirius walks to the nearest compartment and throws the door open, striding in and looking around with a nod. “This’ll do.” 

James smirks and follows his best mate into the compartment. It is a sign of how eager Sirius is to get settled in so he can go back to sleep that he takes the first compartment he comes across. Sirius has always been the pickiest Marauder when it comes to train compartments, insisting that they need “the perfect compartment in which to start off the year” and carefully inspecting every compartment before settling on one that seems to meet his undisclosed standards. 

Instead of struggling to physically lift their trunks into the overhead storage, James and Sirius levitate their trunks so that they are settled neatly over their heads, their names facing outwards so that anyone who pokes their head in, looking for a compartment to claim, will see that this compartment belongs to them and leaves immediately. 

Once they are satisfied that the position of their trunks will be deterrent enough, they head back onto the platform to find their parents. There are a few more people on the platform now than just a few moments ago, but nowhere near the amount of people there will be in little more than an hour. They find their parents quickly and are almost immediately swept up in their mother’s worried embrace.

When she releases her boys, their mother lays a worried hand on James’s forearm, the other on Sirius’s cheek. 

“You boys take care this year. Don’t get into any trouble,” she says gravely, giving Sirius a stern look before shifting that same gaze onto James. 

“We won’t, Mum.” James covers the hand on his arm with his own hand and leans forward to place a kiss on his mother’s forehead. He remembers the comfort he used to feel as a child from her doing the same to him many years ago, before he towered over her and made it impossible for her to kiss him at all when both are standing. “We’ll be good, and we’ll stay safe.” 

“Yeah, my best mate’s Head Boy; what trouble could I possibly get in this year?” Sirius grins at their mother and wraps her in a warm hug; James feels her hand slip away from him to return the embrace. 

Over their mother’s shoulder, Sirius winks at James and their father and James can’t help but chuckle quietly. His father – taller by far than his wife, but still significantly shorter than his son – rests a hand on James’s shoulder to catch his attention. James looks at his father, who leads him a few steps away from his mother and Sirius and leans forward to speak quietly. A little way beyond his father, James can see Sirius and their mother bickering, though the gleam in Sirius’s eye and the fond smile on his mother’s face tells him they’re both only playing.

“Your mother worries too much.” The serious look on his father’s face tells James that this isn’t going to be one of the mock-private jokes the two men used to share at his mother’s expense. “However, I believe, and I know you do as well, that she has a right to be so worried now.” 

“Dad…” James begins to interrupt, but his father cuts him off with a stern look and continues speaking.

“These are dark times, son. Everyone is terrified and no one knows what is going to happen, but everyone knows – though some may not advertise – what they personally believe to be right.” His father pauses for a moment and seems to consider his next words carefully. “It takes a great wizard with the courage to stand up for what he believes in to make a change. You’re a great wizard, and you also happen to be the most courageous person I know, son; make Gryffindor proud.”

“What are you two nattering about over there?” James’s mother calls before James has a chance to really process what his father has said. 

“I’m only telling my boy how to find a woman as beautiful as you,” James’s father says as they rejoin his mum and Sirius. “Obviously he needs a bit of help, eh, Sirius? I was already married at his age.” 

“Oh, really? Well, maybe you should share your wisdom with our other son as well, seeing as they both seem to be hopeless in that area.” She lifts one grey eyebrow at her husband in a clear indication that she does not believe for one moment that he was giving their son advice on girls. 

“Come on, Mum. Dad’s come to terms with the fact I’ll never settle down; we’re all just waiting on you to realize it.” Sirius laughs and wraps an arm around her shoulder, leaning in close to her in a show of affection he never would have given his own flesh-and-blood mother. 

“You’ll meet a girl, Sirius,” their mother says shrewdly. 

James meets Sirius’s eye and knows that they are both thinking the same thing: Sirius already has met a girl, the girl, in fact, and it didn’t work out. Neither of them say anything to this effect, though, and after an almost imperceptible pause, Sirius forces a laugh and gestures to their father. “Go on, then, Dad. Share your wisdom; what is the one quality James and I should look for in a bird?” 

“First of all, you should refrain from calling women birds as I hardly think they appreciate the term.” Sirius makes a face and James laughs. One corner of their father’s mouth pulls up as he looks between his two sons before he forces a grave expression and fakes a sigh. “The one quality you should look for in a woman… is fire.” 

Sirius snorts derisively at this, but James frowns at the image that flits across his mind: red hair, hot blood, and an explosive temper. 

“No, really, your mother is full of fire, boys. Keeps me on my toes, keeps me falling in love with her more every day.” Their father only laughs and catches the hand that his wife swats at his chest. He leans forward and kisses her softly.

James watches them, marveling at the tangible love between his parents and tries in vain to suppress the errant thought that that is what he wanted with her. He shakes his head, a little annoyed that he can’t keep Lily Evans out of his head. If not for the fact that he spent most of his summer thinking of her, he thinks he might almost be able to convince himself that she’s only on his mind today because he knows he only has three hours maximum before he will have to speak to her again which reminds him that he is on a time limit if he wants to get into the Prefect carriage to look over his duties and sound somewhat knowledgeable when he and Lily address the Prefects. 

He waits – as patiently as he can – until his parents and Sirius reach a lull in their conversation and interjects as kindly as possible in the short pause. As soon as silence falls, James steps in and hugs his father once more, kisses his mother, and wishes them well. 

“I’ll write,” he promises his mother when she asks, then cracks a smile, nodding to Sirius. “I’ll try to make this one write, too, but you never know with him.” 

“I love you.” His mother reaches out to him, and fishes the Head Boy badge out of the pocket of his Hogwarts robes, which he normally wouldn’t be wearing so early, but his mother had nagged him into it. Before he can protest, she pins the badge to the front of his robes with tremulous hands. After smoothing the front of his robes, she pulls James’s head down to press her lips to his cheek, then releases him and turns to kiss Sirius goodbye. “Both of you.” 

“Be safe, boys,” their father says, resting a frail hand on each of his sons’ shoulders, “and be courageous.” 

James and Sirius wait while their parents turn slowly on the spot and disappear with two soft cracks. Only once James assures himself that they haven’t splinched themselves do he and Sirius turn and make their way back to their compartment. Sirius has only just closed the door behind him – more out of habit than a need for privacy – when it is flung open again to reveal a peeved-looking Peter. 

Sirius takes the chance to begin teasing the smaller boy for showing up at an ungodly hour when he really had no reason to. When Peter snarls back that his mother was driving him mad, Sirius laughs and James decides to make his way to the Prefect compartment.

He is about halfway there when he hears raised voices from just outside the open train doors. A glance outside tells him that two sixth-year boys, one Ravenclaw and one Gryffindor, are currently in the middle of a raucous row. The Gryffindor boy growls and shoves the Ravenclaw, who stumbles a fair distance, and James gazes on in mild amusement – it doesn’t even occur to these boys to use their wands – as he awaits for an authority figure to come break up the altercation. After a moment, he realizes with a start that he is the authority figure he’s waiting on.

James frowns and steps back onto the platform once more, squaring his shoulders as he faces his first test as Head Boy. He opens his mouth, but for perhaps the first time in his life, he is quite unaware of how to announce his presence. Past Head Boys, he remembers, have been fond of shouting their title as they made their way through crowds of onlookers, but it is still too early in the morning for a crowd to have formed and James simply cannot imagine himself ever shouting “Head Boy coming through!” even if there were one. He may be a bit proud at times, but pompous he is not. 

As it is, he does not even have to announce himself with words seeing as the Ravenclaw recovers himself and shoves back, sending the Gryffindor boy careening backwards straight into James. Not quite having it in his heart to let the boy fall flat on his arse, James catches him by the biceps and rights him quickly, but holds onto him to keep him from retaliating once more. The younger boy looks back at him, his angry snarl freezing for a moment on his face before softening into something resembling relief when he sees who’s got a hold of him and James recognizes him as one of the boys he tutored in Transfiguration last year. Dark skinned, with bold blue eyes and militantly cropped hair, Erik Gardner is a bright boy, if not particularly gifted at the practical side of Transfiguration, and James enjoyed their sessions together immensely. 

“All right, Gardner?” James questions mildly as the boy pulls away from him and straightens his shirt-sleeves. The younger boy nods jerkily, but still looks upset as he turns to face the Ravenclaw once more. James readies himself to catch him if he lunges, but Erik seems calmer than he was when James stumbled upon them. Slightly reassured that Erik won’t be attacking for the meantime, James splits his attention between the two boys, glancing speculatively between them. “What exactly is going on here?”

“Stay out of this, Potter,” the Ravenclaw boy sneers. “It’s got nothing to do with you.” 

Erik glares at the other boy, but nods his agreement anyway, and turns back to look at James briefly. “It’s under control, James,” he says, then freezes and turns around to face James more fully. 

For a moment, James is bewildered by the stunned look on Erik’s face until he remembers the shiny new badge his mother pinned to the front of the clean (if not unwrinkled) Hogwarts robes she had cajoled him into wearing this morning. It’s situated just to the right of the Quidditch Captain badge he gladly pinned on himself. It’s a small badge really, they both are, but at the moment, James feels as though the understated badge – which just reads HB – is the most ostentatious item he’s ever worn. He ruffles his hair and meets Erik’s gaze coolly, expecting some sort of smart remark about how completely unsuited for the position he is. 

To his astonishment, Erik grins at him. “Nice one, Potter,” he says. “Well done on that.” 

“Thanks.” James’s answering smile is slow, but full and relieved. At least here’s someone other than his parents who don’t think he’ll fuck it up royally.

“It’s not real, is it?” The Ravenclaw stares at the badge contemptuously, clearly believing that it should have gone to a boy from his own house. “I mean, it really belongs to Lupin, right, and you’re having a laugh.” 

And there, James thinks with a sigh, is the reaction he expects most people to have: doubt, disbelief, and suspicion of a prank. The mention of Remus gives him pause, though; he hasn’t actually told Remus that he is Head Boy. He wonders how he will react and hopes he doesn’t feel as though he has been cheated out of what is rightfully his. He can’t dwell on the thought, however, as he still has a situation to resolve.

“I assure you…” He pauses for a moment to frown at the boy, whose dark brown eyes are narrowed at him in derision. “I don’t think I caught your name, actually.” 

“I didn’t give it,” the Ravenclaw says, looking put out that he knows who James is and James has no idea who he is. Though, to be fair, James thinks, there aren’t many people at Hogwarts who don’t know him after all he’s gotten up to in previous years. When James doesn’t say anything, but continues to wait patiently, the boy frowns and adds begrudgingly, “Reginald Belby.” 

“Damocles Belby’s brother?” James asks, recognizing the surname. Belby nods and James suddenly understands his extreme hostility. Damocles Belby is a Seventh Yeah Prefect out of Ravenclaw, so in his younger brother’s eyes, not only was his house robbed of the badge, but his own family as well. The elder Belby brother, while slightly overbearing as some Ravenclaws can be, is nowhere near the ponce his younger brother seems to be, however. 

“Well, Belby, I can assure you that the badge is perfectly legitimate and it does indeed belong to me, if the personalized letter that accompanied it – composed by the Headmaster himself, no less – is any indication of legitimacy.” James makes it a point to keep his voice cool and detached. He frowns when he realizes that he has already managed to sound like a pompous ass and he’s barely had the badge on for ten minutes. “Now, it’s time for one of you to tell me what’s going on.” 

To his left, Erik sighs, but Belby’s expression hardens and he glares at James, who merely raises an eyebrow. 

“As I said, Potter, none of your business.” 

“Debatable – as Head Boy, I could argue that everything that goes against school rules is my business. Fighting, be it in a Muggle or Wizarding fashion, is against school rules.” James pauses to give Belby a chance to scowl over the insinuation that he and Erik were dueling as Muggles do, then continues with a serene smile. “Regardless, I didn’t ask if it was any of my business; I demanded to know what’s going on here.” 

“We were fighting,” Erik says shortly. 

James gasps sarcastically. “No! You hid it so well.” 

Erik rolls his eyes at him, but expounds with a scowl in Belby’s direction. “About a girl.” 

James can’t help the smirk that comes to his lips, but he attempts to keep his nod sage rather than mocking. “Ah, I see. Well, lads, I hate to break it to you, but fighting for a girl’s honor can’t impress said girl unless she’s there to witness.” 

He doesn’t get a chance to elaborate that, in his experience, it rarely works in any case before Belby interrupts, indignant. 

“We’re not fighting over the same girl!” 

“He insulted my girlfriend,” Erik explains in a low growl. “But only because she’s not here to defend herself. He’s too much a coward to insult her to her face!” 

Belby scoffs. “As if I’m afraid of a mudblood.” 

This time, James almost doesn’t even bother to restrain Erik. But Erik seems to have gotten over his bizarre urge to settle his differences in the Muggle fashion and reaches for his wand. Belby does the same and James frowns; he can’t have any hexes or curses going astray in the middle of the station. In an instant, his wand is in his hand as well and he wordlessly casts the disarming charm. Two wands fly up into the air and James stretches out a long arm to catch them both effortlessly in one hand. He glares harshly at both of the boys before him and has the satisfaction of seeing that Erik, at least, looks properly chagrined even if Belby still looks mutinous; James doesn’t mind that too much as Reginald Belby is now officially a useless twat in his book.

“Are you two mad?” James glowers at them. “Fixing to hex each other in the middle of a platform teeming with children who don’t even know how to produce a shield charm yet, not to mention the muggles here to see their kids off.” 

Eric looks around, eyes wide to find that there are indeed quite a few young children running around behind them, probably first years or younger siblings of older students. He turns back to James, remorseful. “I’m sorry, Potter. I just…” His jaw clenches and he glances at Belby who looks at least slightly ashamed of himself. “I wasn’t thinking clearly.” 

“Obviously.” James puts as much scorn into the word as he can. “You should use your head more in the future; I would really hate to dock points off my own house.” 

Erik ducks his head, even more ashamed at that, but James can see the glare he is shooting the other boy. James turns to Belby. “I’m not quite as averse to docking from Ravenclaw, but I would rather not start off the year with any of our esteemed houses in the negative.” 

Belby rolls his eyes, but wisely remains quiet. 

“Now. Seeing as term hasn’t actually begun yet, I don’t feel quite right giving out detentions either.” Of course, there is also the fact that he doesn’t know if he’s even allowed to issue detentions yet, but these boys don’t need to know that. James steps forward so that he forms the point of a triangle, facing the two younger boys. 

Belby grumbles under his breath, something about over-confident-under-qualified Head Boys thinking they can give advice, but Erik looks at least somewhat relieved to not have to spend his first night back at Hogwarts in detention. 

“I would warn you that, after six years of detentions and countless docked points, I am a bit of an expert in both areas and will not hesitate to prove it to either of you.” James smiles blandly at the two boys before him and then turns a condemning frown on Belby. “And I would advise you to watch your tongue. There are serious problems in the world, and we don’t need to make them even worse.”

Neither boy seems to have anything to say to this, so James ushers them onto the train. Erik offers one last parting glare at Belby before he sets off down the train corridor; James puts out a hand to hold Belby back for a moment. When the contemptuous Ravenclaw looks at him, James steps close to him. He may not be muscled beyond belief, but James has known since he hit his growth spurt in fifth year that, when paired with his already established talent for dueling, his height can be incredibly intimidating. 

He is not disappointed when Belby takes a full step backwards before he catches himself and cranes his neck to glare up at James. 

“You would do well to refrain from throwing around any terms of hate, Belby. The Head Girl happens to be a muggleborn who can be incredibly lethal with a wand. Trust me, I’d know.” James smiles when Belby only blinks at him, surly. “Besides, I know your brother; Damocles isn’t one to tolerate hate speech as it reeks of ignorance, which, obviously, is not acceptable for Ravenclaws. I imagine he’ll be so disappointed in you when I tell him what you’ve said.” 

He doesn’t have any intention of actually tattling to Damocles about his idiot brother, but James doesn’t feel even the least bit remorseful when Belby’s expression shifts to one of dread. With a slightly feral smile, he steps past Reginald Belby onto the train and continues on his way up to the Prefect carriage in the very first train car. 

When he arrives, he is half relieved and half disappointed to find that he is the first to arrive. On the one hand, he really has no idea what he is doing, so it might be nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of. On the other hand, it is possible that the next person to arrive may be Lily, which would prove quite the awkward situation. He hopes that Remus is the first to arrive, and soon. 

Looking around the large, empty compartment, James spots a scroll of parchment sitting on a table that appears to be magically secured to the floor in the center of the compartment. Settling himself in a seat at the head of the table, facing the compartment door, James unravels the scroll and sees that it’s a list of all of the topics the Headmaster suggests they cover in this first meeting. 

He has just finished reading the list for the second time when the door slides open. James’s gaze snaps up and his heart rate immediately begins to even out when he sees Remus step over the threshold. 

Remus must see the relief in James’s eyes because he makes a show of looking around the all-but-empty compartment. 

“Oh, am I the first one here?” he asks with a flippant smile. “Maybe I should leave and come back later.” 

“Get your ass in here, Moony,” James demands, rolling his eyes when Remus laughs and comes to sit on his right. 

“Don’t worry; I know how you hate solitude,” Remus assures him jokingly, then reaches over to snatch the parchment from James’s hands. “Now, what are your instructions, my most illustrious Head Boy?” 

“You knew already.” James watches Remus’s face carefully for a moment after he reaches out to take the parchment back from him. 

“Sirius owled once you told him. Guess he knew you wouldn’t do it.” Remus meets his gaze and James can tell that he isn’t upset with him, per say, but there is something less than happy there. “You should have.” 

James looks away from Remus, averting his gaze to the list in front of him. It takes a moment for him to respond, and when he does, he hates the shame in his tone. “I didn’t know what to say.” 

When Remus doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, James looks back up at him, surprised to see that Remus is grinning at him. 

“You prat,” Remus says fondly and chuckles when James’s eyebrows furrow. “You thought I’d be upset that it wasn’t me, didn’t you? Prongs, I don’t want Head Boy. I never have. Hell, I never even really wanted to be a Prefect. Granted, there are some perks to the job, but it would be nice to not have to endure those damn weekly meetings or patrols.” 

“You’re not mad at me?” James says. 

“Only that you didn’t tell me yourself. And not much at that,” Remus says. He rolls his eyes when James starts to repeat that he didn’t know what to say. “For fuck’s sake, Prongs, all it would have taken would have been ‘Dumbledore’s gone round the bend and made me bloody Head Boy.” 

Both of them fall silent for a few minutes, listening to the voices shouting outside the window. James glances over his shoulder to see that outside the train, the platform is beginning to fill up with families come to see the train off. He looks back over at Remus and sighs. 

“Moony?” 

“Prongs?” 

“I think Dumbledore’s lost his fucking mind. He’s made me Head Boy.” Remus laughs at that; James smiles ruefully and shakes his head. “I don’t think I’m cut out for this.” 

“You don’t even know what ‘this’ is all about, mate,” Remus points out. 

“Exactly!” James tosses the parchment down on the table in front of him and gestures to it with disgust marring his features. “All this says is crap about patrols, which everyone knows Prefects do, and making schedules, which I don’t know how to do, and common room passwords, which we four always figure out anyway. And I know there’s more to this whole Head Boy business, but this damn list doesn’t spell it all out for me!” 

“James, you’re going mad over nothing.” Remus makes another swipe for the parchment James is glaring at, but James grabs it first. “And why the hell won’t you let me look at that?” 

“It’s got passwords on it,” James says with a sheepish shrug. “Only Lily and I are supposed to see all of them.” 

“Well, that’s stupid. You just said yourself that we always figure out the passwords anyway,” Remus says, then grins at him. “Look at you, though. Already being a stickler for the rules. You’re well cut out for the job.” 

James rolls his eyes and dramatically collapses facedown on the table, his arms thrown over his head. “Just help me, Moony.” 

Remus laughs heartily at him, but begins to tell James what he knows of Head duties. About half of what Remus tells him, James is fairly certain, is an outright lie, but he is able to pick out a number of responsibilities that he thinks might actually be his this year. 

Alongside Lily, James will run Prefect meetings and lead the Prefects in their duties, arrange patrol schedules and help all of the Prefects with any problems he finds himself capable of handling and report to the staff with any problem he feels incapable of dealing with. The Head Boy and Girl are expected to plan Hogsmeade weekends and any school activities, and help any younger students who need assistance learning the castle. This, James thinks, is at least one area in which he will excel. No one, not even Dumbledore himself, probably not even the House Elves, knows the castle better than he and his friends do. 

James is just beginning to feel a bit more settled about this whole thing when the train gives a sudden jerk and begins rolling. Almost immediately after that, the compartment door slides open once again and the Prefects begin to trickle in. Every single one of them looks at him suspiciously, but no one comments on his presence. 

By his judgment, about half of the Prefects have arrived by the time Lily comes skidding into the compartment, red-faced and beautiful and out of breath, already dressed in her school robes and wearing her Head Girl badge, just like James. The almost pained feeling in his chest at the sight of her catches him off guard and he averts his gaze when she looks at him. 

“All right, Lily?” Theon Ramsay, the seventh year Hufflepuff Prefect, says. 

“Yeah. Yes, sorry,” Lily says with a slightly embarrassed laugh. “I meant to be here ages ago, but my parents were running late this morning and I barely got here on time – it’s a ridiculous story; you don’t need the details. Let’s just say I should have insisted on Apparating here like I originally planned. Then, I was on my way here when I was stopped by a group of second year girls who needed help reversing a nasty Bat Bogey Hex; I think some third year boys were pulling a prank, but I couldn’t get any of the girls to implicate them.” 

Her voice draws nearer to James as she speaks and he feels the seat to his left shift as she sits down. He watches as her hand reaches over into his line of sight and realizes she is reaching for the parchment that was left there for them. “May I?” 

“Of course,” he says, sliding it closer to her. 

Lily ducks her head over the parchment and begins jotting notes on another piece of parchment that she brought herself. The compartment fills with chatter as the prefects around them catch up with each other after summer break. James turns to talk to Remus and finds that he already has his attention; Remus is glancing curiously between James and Lily. 

When Remus realizes that James has caught him looking, he sets his features in the usual expression of innocence he dons whenever he is decidedly guilty: eyebrows slightly raised, eyes a little too round, the corners of his mouth just slightly upturned. James scowls at him, letting him know that the topic is off limits. 

Suddenly, Lily slides the parchment back in front of James and clears her throat. All of the Prefects find a seat and James does a quick count to find that all twenty-five of them, himself included, are present. 

“All right. Hello, everyone. It’s good to see you all. I hope you all had a wonderful and safe summer,” Lily says once everyone is settled in their seats around the table. “To all of the returning sixth and seventh year Prefects, welcome back to our compartment. To everyone else, welcome.” 

James takes note of the careful way she words her greeting and knows it is for his benefit as he is the only first time Prefect here who is not a fifth year. For a moment, he tries to decide if he is annoyed or appreciative of her efforts, but he quickly gives up on figuring it out when he realizes that Lily has resumed speaking. 

“I know that most of us already know each other here, but for the benefit of anyone who may not, I figured we could just go around the table and introduce ourselves.” There is a sound of general discontent around the table and James watches out of the corner of his eye as Lily sends what, to his eye, is a forced smile around the table. “I know, I know, it’s not the most fun way to kick off the start of term, but we need to function as a unit all year long, which means we need to get to know one another. Here, I’ll start off and we’ll go around the table.” 

Lily takes a deep breath and stands up. James makes himself look at her, since it would definitely not go unnoticed if he were to avoid watching her now. The pang in his chest doesn’t startle him this time, but it does make him uncomfortable. He clenches his jaw and swallows hard as she addresses the group. 

“My name is Lily Evans. Obviously I’m Head Girl. I’m quite good at Potions, but my real passion is for Charms. My goal after Hogwarts is to eventually become a Cursebreaker once things calm down a bit.” It’s subtle, the way she draws attention to the mounting tensions in the Wizarding World, but James can tell in one quick glance around the room that no one has missed her meaning. “My goal for this year is to make Hogwarts an inclusive home where everyone, regardless of name or family background, can feel safe and is encouraged to thrive and grow in their magical knowledge and abilities. In short, I hope to make this the most peaceful year of school that any of us have yet experienced.” 

Because it sure as hell won’t be peaceful after we graduate. 

She doesn’t say it, but James knows she’s thinking it because in what world would Lily bloody Evans not do everything in her power to help bring the world back into an era of peace? In what world, for that matter, would the knowledge that she would do just that and throw herself in the face of danger in the process not have a little thrill of terror running up James Potter’s spine? 

“All right, well, I guess that does it for me,” Lily says, turning to the girl on her left, apparently intending for James to finish up this little sharing session. “Dana, you can take it from here. James we’ll end with you.”

James nods as Dana Howell, the seventh year Ravenclaw Prefect stands up and looks around nervously. 

“You don’t have to say much. Just introduce yourself,” Lily suggests. 

It takes about twenty minutes for all twenty-three other Prefects to introduce themselves, but before James knows it, Remus is sitting back down on his right and all eyes are on James. He stands up, feeling a bit awkward with the knowledge that everyone looking at him, with the possible exception of Remus, feels he does not belong in the group. James can’t say he disagrees with them, but he shakes away the doubt and clears his throat. 

“Hello, all. My name is James Potter, but I reckon most of you know that by now what with all the trouble I’ve gotten up to in the past. I’m Head Boy this year.” Most everyone looks around the compartment at this, looking to their neighbors for the proper reaction. James smiles a bit. “The lot of you are probably wondering if this is some sort of sick joke on Dumbledore’s part. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think the same thing at first. Trust me, I must have read the accompanying letter from Dumbledore about a thousand times before it hit me that it was real, so I understand if the rest of you would like to read it. See, I’ve still got it here in my pocket, just in case I forget.” 

Many of them chuckle when he actually removes the personalized letter from his pocket and James feels a bit more at ease now. 

“I suppose I’ll take my cue from the Head Girl and share with you my aspirations. My main goal after Hogwarts is to help bring an end to this blood war and the ignorant discrimination infecting our society.” There. Straightforward. No mincing of words, just as James likes. The raised eyebrows around the table tell James that most everyone else may have preferred a bit more tact, but tactful has never been James Potter’s style and despite what’s between him and Lily, it is important for everyone to know that the Head Boy and Girl are on the same page in the long run. 

“This year, I would really like it if we could all make an effort to reach out and foster friendships with those who may not be from our own Houses or of a similar genetic background. I know I may not be the best example of inter-House relationships as yet, but this year I’ll be putting forth the effort and I’d really appreciate it if you all would as well, and encourage your classmates to do the same. It may not seem like much, but I really do believe that our actions while at school may impact what happens after we graduate.”

A weighty silence falls around the table and James realizes belatedly that he may have gotten a bit too serious for the very first meeting. He glances over at Remus, who is looking at him with eyebrows raised over amused eyes. Damn it if he isn’t already fucking it all up. 

“My most important goal, though,” James continues on quickly, hoping to salvage the train ride, “is for Gryffindor to demolish everyone this Quidditch season.” 

His bold statement serves its purpose in breaking the tension in the compartment: the six other Gryffindors in the room all cheer, while the rest of the Prefects either laugh or pretend to be annoyed with him. 

James grins and sits back down, trying to ignore the fact that Lily Evans is mere inches from him and he can feel her gaze hot on the side of his face. He reaches out for the parchment that lists the topics they need to cover and clears his throat. It takes a few seconds longer, but eventually Remus and the fifth year Gryffindor Prefects stop their raucous chants of “Go! Go! Gryffindor!” 

“All right, now we’ve got introductions out of the way, lets get down to business, shall we?” James says when they pipe down. “First order of business, I think, will be patrolling the train. We’ll need to pair up, as usual, and come up with a schedule.” 

“In the interest of diversifying friend groups,” Lily cuts in, and James can’t find it in himself to be annoyed – he isn’t sure what he’s doing yet, anyway, and Lily seems to be on the same page as him in wanting to present a united front in spite of what happened between them – , “I think we’ll shake things up a bit this year. I know in the past, we’ve usually stuck within our own Houses with patrolling partners, but we’ll be pairing up randomly this year.” 

“We’ve got an odd number this year…” Damocles Belby points out, glancing not unkindly at James. “We’ve never had that happen before. Might complicate the schedule. No offense, mate.” 

“None taken,” James says, nodding at Belby. Truthfully, he hadn’t given much thought to how his appointment might complicate things such as this. 

“It won’t be much of an added hassle,” Lily says reassuringly. “Since we’ll be switching partners constantly, James and I will have to completely rewrite the schedule each week anyway. In the interest of simplifying matters for today, though, we’ll just have one group of three, I think, and eleven pairs.” 

For the next several minutes, James sits back and listens as Lily assigns patrol partners and times for the rest of the train ride. An awful feeling of dread begins to creep into his mind when he realizes that most everyone has been paired up and Lily hasn’t called his name of her own yet. 

“Remus, you’ll be with Brie.” Lily gestures to the blond sixth year Hufflepuff girl. “And you two will have the first patrol after we wrap up the meeting.” 

“Sounds great,” Remus says. James doesn’t miss the pleased look on Remus’s face, or the smooth tone of voice. Brie Holmes is very pretty, James must admit. 

“And that leaves James and me to take the final shift.” She speaks so casually, but James, knowing what he does, senses the nervous tension in her. 

“I thought we weren’t going to stick to our own houses,” protests Rick Havershom, the seventh year Slytherin prefect, who doesn’t seem too pleased to be paired with fifth-year Nick Proud of Hufflepuff and the decidedly unpretty seventh-year Ravenclaw Emma Johnson. 

“We aren’t, for the most part,” Lily says, pointing out that she and James are the only pair who shares a house. “We just happen to both be Heads and we have a lot to discuss as we patrol. That, and we’ll be making the rounds to let everyone know to change into their school robes and we’ll oversee the disembarking from the train. Besides, it’s not as if you’ll never be paired with someone from your own house. We’re just trying to diversify.” 

There is logic there, but James gets caught on “a lot to discuss.” It’s probably immature of him, but James doesn’t want to discuss last year and something tells him that Lily does. He would much rather pretend that nothing ever happened between them. He’s sure they will have to address it at some point, but his pride and heart both still sting with insult; he needs more time to get over it all. 

“Now that we’ve got that settled, let’s move on to the topic of regular patrol schedules. That means curfew patrols and between classes.” Lily pauses and glances at James. He shifts when he realizes that she is offering him a chance to speak. 

“Right. As Lily said earlier, we’ll be rotating patrol partners, so unfortunately we won’t have the benefit of the regular patrol schedule that you sixth and seventh years are used to,” James says, taking care to sound poised and sure of himself, as if he and Lily had discussed this plan at length already. “That does, however, give us a bit of extra leeway with any scheduling conflicts that may arise since we will be making up a new schedule every week. Obviously you’ll need to let us now your class schedules and those of any extra-curricular activities you plan to take part in as soon as you can.” 

“We’ll be meeting tomorrow after classes in the Prefects’ common room at, say, seven o’clock? Should that work for everyone?” Lily looks around the room and is met with a general sound of consent. 

“Password is …” James says before Lily can continue, consulting the parchment in front of him. “Phoenix. Fifth years, if you don’t know where the common room is, it’s on the fifth floor, three doors to the left of the statue of Boris the Bewildered. One door to the left of that is the Prefects’ bathroom, the password to which is… very fitting… ‘unity.’ Now, you should be quite excited for the bathroom – it’s magnificent – but the common room is more of a password-protected meeting area with a long table and some chairs. Private place to meet, quiet place to study; that’s all there is to it.” 

“Right, thank you.” Lily scratches something off on the piece of parchment she brought with her. “Um, so we’re operating under the assumption that there will be no extra-curricular meetings during the first week of classes, so we’ll work out our first nighttime patrol schedule by the time we meet tomorrow and James and I will pass it on at the meeting. Fair?” 

James lifts a shoulder uncertainly, then nods. He’s going to need to set a time for Quidditch try-outs, but he supposes it can wait a week, not to mention the fact that he’s planning to continue tutoring in Transfiguration. McGonagall isn’t likely to already have a list of students in need of tutoring so early in the term, though. Anyone who is desperate enough for immediate help will have to work around his schedule. 

“As for patrolling between classes, we will need you to pass on a copy of your class schedule either to me or James, or you can just leave it in the Prefects’ common room after your Heads of House pass them out at breakfast tomorrow. Either way, we will need them before lunch tomorrow so that we will have time to work on the patrol schedule before our meeting.” Lily looks around the table and smiles upon apparently deciding that everyone is following her gist. “Any questions?” 

“What about extra Quidditch practices?” Margaret Thatcher, a sixth year Ravenclaw who doubles as an incredibly talented Beater on her House team, looks at James expectantly. “Sometimes Warren likes to schedule late night practices that might interfere with patrols.” 

James nods at this; it has always been a bit of a pain dealing with scheduling Quidditch practices during the school week when Rachel Warren, the Ravenclaw captain, has a tendency to hog all the morning and evening time slots. That won’t be an immediate concern, but it is something that will need to be dealt with eventually. He glances around to see that Theon, Hufflepuff’s seeker, and Jonathan and Sarah Danzey, fifth year twin Chasers on the Slytherin team, are all looking at him as well. 

“I’ll speak with Warren, Hozier, and Bolton.” James grimaces a bit with the last name, not looking forward to a one-on-one with the proud Pureblood Supremacist Slytherin captain, but in the interest of forging inter-House relationship, he supposes he must take one for the team. He makes a quick note on the parchment before him to meet with the other three Quidditch captains. “See if the four of us can come up with a fairly set schedule each month to make things a bit easier on all of us. Obviously, extra practices are scheduled sometimes, particularly closer to game days, so any of you lot can come to me if one interferes with patrols and we’ll work around it, all right?” 

“The same goes for any reasonable discrepancies with scheduling. We know that sometimes things get to be a bit overwhelming, especially towards the end of term and you just need a moment to yourself. If that happens, you can talk to one or both of us and we’ll see what we can do to help you out,” Lily says, and James can feel her gaze on him. He nods his agreement, but doesn’t meet her gaze, pretending to scan the list of topics they need to cover on the parchment in his hands. Yes, he’s definitely being a bit immature, but James knows that he will not be able to hide the conflict in his heart if he looks into the green depths of her eyes. “However, our positions come with a load of responsibility and we have to ask that all of you plan accordingly. We can’t leave assignments and studying for the last minute when we know we’ve got patrols coming up, right?” 

The sixth and seventh years in the compartment make sounds varying from amusement to annoyance and James figures that all of the returning Prefects know exactly what she is referring to and have likely heard the same warning the two previous years as well. Glancing around, he is embarrassed to find that he feels just as nervous at the mention of responsibility and time management as the fifth years around him. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Remus smirking at him and James covertly flicks him off; the bastard knows James too well for his own good. Remus snorts a laugh, tries to cover it with a cough, and ends up drawing the curious attention of the entire compartment. 

James clears his throat and glances once again at the parchment in front of him. “Okay, so I think the final topic we need to address is common room passwords. Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, you all know how to gain access to your common rooms already so this doesn’t really affect you. Once we disband, Gryffindors and Slytherins can stick around to receive their passwords.”

He pauses when he senses the discontent in the room and looks up to see that the Slytherins don’t look happy. “Not to worry, the passwords will change at midnight tonight –Professor Slughorn will update you there– so Lily and I won’t know your password anymore after that.”

There is a moment during which James thinks Samantha Garrison, a sixth-year Slytherin, is going to say something horrible to him –not that James can’t take it; he definitely can– but then her fellow sixth-year, Alec Stone, shakes his head and Samantha seems to deflate. James realizes in the same moment that Lily seems to, that the Slytherins are thinking of the prank that James supposedly pulled in their common room last year. Of course, no one will ever know that it was actually Lily, and James is surprised at the fact that he isn’t even annoyed that he is still being judged for something he didn’t do – he did, after all, willingly take credit for it. 

“James is Head Boy now,” Lily says firmly, not addressing the Slytherins specifically, but it’s clear for whose benefit she is speaking. “That means that Dumbledore trusts him not to do anything stupid or irresponsible. We should all give him the same benefit of the doubt. And that, I think, brings our meeting to a close. Anything we didn’t touch on, we’ll cover tomorrow night. Slytherins, come see me for your password before you leave. James, you’ll tell the Gryffindors?” 

“Yes.” All of the Slytherin and Gryffindor Prefects wait for the others to make their way out of the compartment, but a few Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff prefects linger a bit too long. James notices Remus repeatedly glancing out the door, where he sees Brie Holmes waiting patiently, if a bit nervously. 

“Go.” James shoves Remus in the shoulder, pushing him towards the door. “I’ll tell you the password later.” 

“Are you sure?” Remus asks, catching himself before he stumbles into the table. 

Snorting, he gestures for Remus to leave. “There may only be a slight chance that I’ll see you before we reach the castle, but I think we’ll be all right,” James says sarcastically since they will obviously be sitting in the same compartment when neither of them is patrolling the train corridor. 

“All right. I’ll see you later,” Remus says before ducking through the door to join Brie. James watches as Remus smiles brightly at his partner before they set off out of sight. 

James waits another couple of minutes until the last couple of Hufflepuffs amble out into the corridor, then he turns to the group of Gryffindors gathered around him. “All right, everyone?” 

“Brilliant.” Fifth-year Janice Lopez beams up at him and James smiles absently back at her. 

“Congratulations on being Head Boy, Potter,” says sixth-year Martin Shore. “Terribly sorry the way the Slytherins acted towards the end there, but what can you do, right?” 

“I can try to get along with them,” James points out. “And I will. Now, the password is nargle. When the Welcome Feast comes to an end, you’ll all have to gather the other Gryffindors and lead them up to the Tower. Pass the password on, kindly explain potentially confusing things to the first years.” 

“Won’t you be there as well?” Garrett King, the other fifth year, asks. 

“No. Professor Dumbledore wants to have a word with Lily and me before we head up to the common room after dinner,” James says. “We’ll be along shortly, though.” 

A few minutes later, when all of the Gryffindors and Slytherins have headed back to their friends’ compartments, James finds himself suddenly alone with Lily again. He is reminded of the last time they were alone; on this train, only a few compartments down from here, he had fucked her and told her to leave him alone from then on. If only he had known that Dumbledore would stick them together like this. 

Lily keeps her distance from him, but he can feel her watching him as he steps closer to his previous spot and snatches up the parchment he had recently abandoned. 

“All right if I hold on to this? I made some notes on it,” he says, awkwardly brandishing the paper at her and still avoiding looking directly at her. 

“Oh, that’s fine. I brought my own paper,” she says softly, and James finally lifts his gaze to her. Her right hand is fisted in her robe and her left is toying with the ends of her deep auburn hair. She’s nervous, he realizes. “James, I wanted to…” 

“Lily.” He cuts her off, shaking his head. “Is this about Head duties or… not?” 

There is a slight pause, then he hears her inhale sharply. “Not.” 

“Then please leave it,” he says, and hates to hear the desperation in his voice. “Please. I can’t… I can’t deal with it right now.” 

“Okay,” Lily says after a moment, her voice barely more than a whisper. 

It kills James to think that this is hurting her, too, but he can’t open himself up to this conversation just yet. He can’t open himself up to even more pain. Sighing dejectedly, James heads for the door. “I’ll see you for our patrol.” 

As he makes his way back down the train to rejoin Sirius and Peter, James catches himself already checking for trouble, glancing in each compartment as he passes. It’s amazing, he thinks, how naturally this comes to him when less than a year ago he was one of the biggest trouble-makers at Hogwarts. 

He is almost back at his compartment when he catches sight of a familiar head of slick black hair. As if sensing James’s presence, Snape’s head snaps up and they make eye contact. The smaller, paler boy glares at James through the glass door, sees the badge pinned to James’s chest, and angrily flicks his wand at the door. The blinds snap shut and James’s view into the compartment is gone. 

Try as he might to make friends with other houses, James knows that some people are just lost causes. He’s not sure he would want to befriend Snape anyway, given the chance to fix things. Rolling his eyes, James continues on down the corridor.  
____

“You should ask out Penelope Greyson.” 

James looks up in confusion, his mouth full of food, as Sirius slides onto the bench across from him at the Gryffindor Table. Sirius grins at him and wiggles his eyebrows as he nicks a roll off of James’s plate. 

“What are you talking about?” James asks as he forces himself to swallow the impossible amount of food he has just finished shoveling into his mouth. He glares at his mate and hunches protectively over his plate. “And get your own food, prat.” 

Sirius ignores him completely and attempts to reach over the table and steal a slice of apple from James, who swats his hand away with an annoyed growl. What with the ridiculous workload all the Seventh Years are struggling with, on top of his Head duties and responsibility to the Quidditch team as their captain, and the fact that he stupidly agreed to continue tutoring in Transfiguration, he has had to skip three meals in the last two days, only getting by on the scraps he’s been able to nick from the kitchens and term only started less than a month ago.

“Pete overheard her talking to some birds after dinner last night. Going on about how fit she thinks you are and how you’ve clearly matured oh-so-much for Dumbledore to have appointed you Head Boy.” Sirius flutters his impressively long eyelashes at James in a bad imitation of a flirty girl. James shifts in his seat, moderately uncomfortable with the look his best friend is sending him. “She kept going on about Hogsmeade and how brilliant it would be to go with you.” 

“Why are you making eyes at Prongs?” Peter asks, looking oddly at Sirius as he slips onto the bench next to James. 

“Are you telling him about Penelope Greyson?” Remus asks, sliding in on James’s other side. 

“You know as well?” James slowly sits up straight, deeming it safe to do so when Sirius turns to the platters of food in the center of the table, and turns to Remus. 

“What? That she fancies you?” Remus absently begins choosing food to set on his plate. “She’s not exactly subtle about it, is she? Showing up to all of your Quidditch practices, sitting near you in the library, following you to Prefect meetings. Hell, she even asked me to tutor her in Defense and proceeded to spend the entire time asking me questions about you.” 

“Really?” One of James’s eyebrows lifts in contemplation as he looks between his three best mates.

“Yep. She’s quite fit, too,” Peter says around a mouthful of bread and cheese. “Even Sirius thinks so, don’t you mate?” 

“She’s alright.” Sirius shrugs carelessly, which is about as high praise as Sirius openly gives girls. 

“Right.” James frowns, then sighs and looks down in defeat. “Er, who is Penelope Greyson, again?” 

Peter looks at him in disbelief and Sirius only gapes across the table at him. Even Remus looks a bit shocked, but he recovers first. “Seventh Year Hufflepuff? We’ve had at least one class with her every year since First Year. You can’t honestly mean that you’ve never paid even the slightest bit of attention to her.” 

“Sorry, lads, I’ve no idea who you’re talking about.” James shrugs and shakes his head, looking back down at his plate and picking up a slightly soggy chip. He frowns at it and then pops it into his mouth anyway. 

“Long black hair, blue eyes, big tits.” Sirius raises an eyebrow as if expecting James to suddenly realize whom he’s talking about, but James just snorts and looks away. “No?”

“She’s sitting at the Hufflepuff table now,” Peter points out. “Talking to Hestia Jones and Benjy Fenwick.” 

“Surely you know who Hestia and Benjy are,” Sirius says sarcastically. 

“Yes, I do believe I remember your first girlfriend and the boy who landed us our very first detention,” James deadpans. With a sigh, he glances over at the Hufflepuff table and scans the students for their familiar faces. Almost immediately, he spots Benjy Fenwick’s shock of white-blonde hair and Hestia Jones’s bright, bubbly smile. Sitting between the two of them is a girl he does indeed recognize from several shared classes over the years and yes, perhaps he has spotted her in the library a few times this year, but he never thought that she was going there to catch his attention. 

“Well?” Remus asks expectantly. 

“She’s alright,” James says. Truthfully, she is really quite pretty. She’s got flawless dark brown skin and a lovely smile and bright, captivating blue eyes and yes, perhaps Sirius is right that she is rather well-endowed. But she’s not exactly his type. 

“Alright?!” Peter gapes at him. 

“James, even I’m not ashamed to admit that she’s probably the most attractive girl in our year,” Remus says quietly and James rolls his eyes. Of the four of them, Remus is the most promiscuous, even if everyone expects that title to go to Sirius; it’s not exactly unthinkable that he would find Penelope fit. 

“Oi.” James frowns and pushes his food around his plate. “You didn’t give Sirius any shit when he said she was alright.” 

“That’s because ‘alright’ means ‘bloody fucking fit’ in dog-speak.” Remus only smirks when Sirius chucks a bit of bread at him. 

“Look, we still don’t know what happened with you and Evans last year.” James’s heart sinks at Sirius’s words, but the other boy just scowls when Remus interrupts him quickly. 

“And that’s fine. You don’t have to tell us anything until you’re ready,” he says diplomatically. 

“Yeah, sure,” Sirius grumbles, clearly not quite in agreement, but not in the mood to push it at the present time, not like he was that one afternoon last year. “But whatever it was, you’ve brooded long enough.” 

“I’m not brooding!” James protests immediately, but if he were to be honest, he would have to admit that he has been brooding at least a little bit. All the same, he doesn’t think he’s been too pathetic about it. 

“Even when you would obsess over her before whatever happened, you would still talk birds with us. You went on dates, you snogged other girls. Now you don’t even notice the fittest bird in the entire bloody school who just so happens to be panting after you and you barely talk to us - your best mates in the entire world - at all,” Sirius says, frowning. “You didn’t even tell me you were Head Boy until we were in Diagon Alley three days after we got our letters!” 

“Sorry if I didn’t realize you would care.” James averts his gaze to his plate and decidedly does not touch on any of Sirius’s actual good points. “It’s not like you’re particularly studious or conscientious of the rules. I thought you would disapprove.” 

“Disapprove?” Sirius purses his lips, clearly regretting his next words before he even has the chance to say them. He leans in closer to James and lowers his voice in an obvious bid for privacy. “You’re my best mate. It’s a big deal. I’m proud of you, and if you ever tell anyone I said something so nearly mushy, I’ll hex you dead.” 

“Well.” James blinks across the table at Sirius, who is sitting up straight again and already has a mouth full of food. James lifts his goblet and gestures to his best mate. “Cheers, then.”

“Cheers.” Sirius accidentally sloshes some of his pumpkin juice over the rim of his goblet in his haste to reciprocate. He jerks back away from the minor spill and nearly topples out of his seat before catching his balance and righting himself. The girl sitting nearest him shoots him an annoyed glance, clearly eyeing the puddle of juice not two inches from her hand. 

Guffawing at Sirius’s momentary lack of grace alongside Remus and Peter, James waves his wand casually and the spill disappears. The girl eyes the group of boys warily before deciding that they don’t pose any further threat to her robes and turns back to her friends. 

A flash of red captures James’s attention and he watches from the corner of his eye as Lily stands from the table and crosses the Great Hall, pausing near the Hufflepuff table to speak briefly to a sixth-year boy whose name James doesn’t know. The boy smiles at her and, ignoring the suggestive grins of his mates surrounding him, gets up from the table to accompany Lily from the Great Hall. 

When he turns back to his friends, they are all looking at him with expressions ranging from pity in Peter’s case, to the exasperation on Sirius’s face. Averting his gaze, James shovels a forkful of potatoes into his mouth, staring past Sirius at the Ravenclaw table. Swallowing hard, James sighs and looks around at his mates. 

“Penelope Greyson, huh?”


	5. Chapter 5 The (M)End Part 2

The (M)End:  
Part 2

James is tutoring a particularly slow second year Hufflepuff on Transfiguration theory in the library when a movement to his right catches his eye. He looks up from Audrey Childress’s slow, thoughtful quill strokes on her “think it out” parchment, as she refers to it, to see that Penelope Greyson has entered the library and is sitting at the table nearest him. She looks directly at him and smiles and James is slow to smile back, his mind on his conversation with the boys the other day at breakfast. 

He is trying to figure out the chances that they were just having a go at him and using Penelope’s admittedly frequent presence to their advantage when Audrey clears her throat. James snaps his attention back to her, smiling apologetically as he leans over her shoulder to look at her work. “Let’s see what you’ve figured out here.” 

When his gaze flickers back to Penelope a few minutes later, any doubt in his friends’ sincerity is eradicated. Quite suddenly – at first he doesn’t know if by accident or design – the top two buttons of her blouse are undone. Sirius was right, he can’t help but notice, she does have very large, very nice tits, but it isn’t the blouse that decides him. Without looking up from her textbook, Penelope lifts her quill to bring it to her lips; her tongue darts out to swirl around the tip. He might think it means nothing if he doesn’t see one corner of her mouth twitch upwards in a self-satisfied smirk. No, he thinks as he turns back to Audrey, his friends were not having a go at him. Penelope Greyson is doing her best to seduce him, and it might be working. 

A little more than half an hour later, Audrey packs up her Transfiguration notes and leaves, thanking James for his help. He is sneaking one more glance at Penelope and her probably inappropriate cleavage when someone drops heavily into Audrey’s chair. He gives a little start, ready to be embarrassed, when he looks over and sees Sirius grinning at him. 

“You gonna ask her out?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be pulling a prank or otherwise causing mischief?” James says. 

“Who, me?” Sirius feigns shock, dramatically covering his heart with one hand. “Of course not. The brother of my heart is Head Boy. I would never.” 

“You tosser,” James laughs, dipping his quill in ink and then flicking it at Sirius to lightly splatter him. “Get out of here. My next pupil has arrived.” 

Sirius looks greatly affronted to have been covered with ink as he tries to wipe it off of his shirt. “If that got in my hair…” he warns on a sigh, then looks round to see Erik Gardner approaching them. He leans closer to James and lowers his voice. “Just ask her out. At the very least, you’ll have a good time with a fit bird.” 

Then Sirius is gone and Erik is sitting down next to James. “Hello, James.” 

“Alright, Erik?” James says, and Erik nods as he rummages through his bag for his latest Transfiguration notes. “How’s Beth?”

Erik grins at the mention of his girlfriend and lifts his head from the search through is messy bag. “Brilliant! We’re going to Hogsmeade together this weekend. By the time we got together last year, there were no more trips scheduled, so we’re both really looking forward to it.” Erik pauses and makes an unhappy face. “Except she wants to go to that awful tearoom everyone’s always making fun of. What is it?”

“Madam Puddifoot’s?” James laughs at Erik’s tortured nod. “Yeah, mate, sorry to tell you, but it’s horrible. All pink everywhere and the tables are tiny and there are way too many crowded into a very small space. The tea is shit, too, and overpriced.” 

Erik groans and drops his head into his hands. James grins and swipes the boy’s Transfiguration notes. “All right, lover boy,” he says lightly. “What’s McGonagall teaching you young ones this week?”

When Penelope is still sitting alone at the next table an hour later after Erik leaves to meet up with Beth, James decides that Sirius is probably right. There is a very pretty girl wanting him to ask her out and he’s over here not doing anything about it. Determined, James pushes to his feet and strides over to her table. “Hello, Penelope.” 

She takes her time looking up at him, waiting until after she’s finished jotting down a sentence in her very tidy scrawl. Her smile is as slow coming as her attention, but it’s a blinding white one, which transforms her face from beautiful to stunning. “Oh, hello, James.” Her voice is soft, but also somewhat huskier than most other girls’. “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine, thanks,” James says. Then, before he can think it through, he does just what Sirius advised him to. “Listen, do you want to have a drink with me in Hogsmeade this weekend?” 

“Just a drink?” She asks, eyebrows drawing together as if his proposal is a puzzle she must decode. 

“Or two,” he says. He isn’t really nervous for her answer either way, and he can’t quite decide if that’s a good or bad omen. “I do have to keep an eye out for trouble and I need to be on High Street at noon for a meeting, so I figured we can meet at the Three Broomsticks around three and then maybe walk back to the castle together.” 

Penelope eyes him curiously over her quill. “Most blokes want more than just a drink when they ask me out to Hogsmeade.” 

James wonders briefly if she suspects him of wanting in her knickers – which he might, he’s really not sure at this point – but then she cocks her head and continues speaking thoughtfully. 

“They want to meet me in the Great Hall and hold my hand all the way to the village and look in all the shops and walk me past that awful Shrieking Shack to try and scare me into their arms.” She smiles at him after she finishes speaking. “Might be nice to have a change of pace. Yes, we can have a drink or two. I do have plans to meet with some friends there around that time, but you can certainly join us. I just know you’ll fit right in.” 

“All right,” James says after a slightly bewildered pause. “Sounds good. I guess I’ll see you then.” 

“Good bye, James.” Penelope sends him off with a smile and an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach. 

Someone falls into step with him as he’s leaving the library and James looks to his left to see Emmeline Vance, Lily’s slightly more terrifying (only because her intentions are never obvious) best friend. The smile on her face is more vicious than friendly and James raises an eyebrow at her. 

“Do you even know the first thing about Greyson?” she asks by way of greeting, then continues speaking without any real pause for him to answer. “I mean, besides the fact that she’s got black hair, blue eyes, and big tits?”

The wording is so familiar to him that for a moment he’s stuck trying to figure out where he’s heard that description of Penelope before. Then he remembers that it’s exactly what Sirius said about her the other day in the Great Hall. 

“Here I was under the impression that a first date was meant for getting to know each other,” James eventually says as they begin climbing a moving staircase at a leisurely pace.

“Yes, but you’re supposed to at least have a general idea of the type of person you’re dealing with, Potter.” Emmeline rolls her eyes at him and then shakes her head with a faux-sympathetic click of her tongue. “She’s really not your type.” 

“I think that’s for me to decide,” James says as they come to a halt at the top of the staircase, waiting for it to finish shifting into place. 

“Hey, don’t bite my head off. I’m just trying to help a friend out.” 

“Which friend?” James asks. “Me or Lily?”

“I bet you a Galleon you can’t stand fifteen minutes with her and her idiot friends,” Emmeline says as she staircase lines up with the proper landing. Her tone is perfectly friendly, but her smile is a bit feral. “Have fun getting to know Penelope Greyson, Potter.” 

James stares after her as she struts away, realizing quite suddenly that the odd feeling in the pit of his stomach is dread.  
____

“No, but what do you actually know about her?” James asks Peter for what must be the thousandth time in three days. 

Peter sighs heavily and rolls his eyes at James as they stroll down towards the open front gate. It’s early and they’re among the first few people to head down to the village for the day. James wanted an early start because it’s his first Hogsmeade trip as Head Boy and he wants to be there if he’s needed. Peter is only along for the walk and because James promised to buy him his weight in sweets if he would come and let James try to pick his brain some more. 

“Like I’ve said every other time you asked,” Peter huffs, “I don’t know anything about her other than that she’s fit and always following you around. She’s always been quiet in class, you know, and even though loads of people like her, I don’t think she has many friends.” 

“But why’s she so interested in me?” James says. 

“Oh, I dunno, Prongs,” Peter says sarcastically. “You’re only the tallest bloke at Hogwarts, one of the top students, well-liked by anyone who doesn’t want to be a Death Eater after school, captain of an undefeated Quidditch team, and Head Boy. Oh, and you’re filthy rich.” 

“My parents are,” James says. 

“You ever not gotten anything you ever asked for?” Peter smiles smugly up at him when James doesn’t bother to answer. 

“Anyway,” James says loftily. “You forgot my dashing good looks and renowned snogging skills.” 

“And you’re the prat with the most inflated ego Hogwarts has ever seen. So impressive.” Peter shoves James sideways and takes off running before James can shove him back or think of a suitable retort. 

He could catch Peter easily and drive him to the ground for a friendly beating, but he settles instead for racing his mate into the village, enjoying Peter’s boyish giggles and the wind in his messy hair.  
____  
The Three Broomsticks is crowded when he walks in a few minutes past three o’clock. He staunchly ignores his idiot friends flailing about in the far corner trying to embarrass him, searching instead for long black hair and blue eyes. One thing he’s learning already about Penelope Greyson is that, as beautiful as she may be, she doesn’t stand out in a crowd. Not like Lily does, he thinks begrudgingly as he spots her red hair a few tables away from his mates. He catches Emmeline’s eye and turns his head when she tips her glass at him with a thin smile. 

Finally he spots her sitting at the counter with a few people he recognizes from school: Ophelia Ross and Hester Gamp from Slytherin and Everett Urquart and Atticus Doge from Ravenclaw. He’s a bit confused when he realizes that all four of her companions are purebloods, not that he usually takes note of blood status, but all four are rather proud of their status. They aren’t future Death Eaters, James doesn’t think, but neither are they the type of people he would like to spend time with. 

He doesn’t know Penelope’s blood status, but judging by the company she keeps, he would bet every sickle in his parent’s vault that she’s a pureblood. He means to look back at his friends with a condemning glare, but none of the tossers are paying him any attention anymore. Instead, he locks eyes with a smug Emmeline Vance once again. He scowls at her. 

“You going to move soon, love?” a disgruntled voice says behind him and James realizes that he’s blocking the door to the pub. He mumbles a hurried apology to the old woman behind him and starts to pick his way through the crowd to the counter. 

All three girls are sitting on sturdy stools, their skirt-bared knees tucked under the ledge of the counter; the two boys with them stand behind Hester and Ophelia’s stools. All five of them seem to be engaged in a conversation, which breaks off when Penelope spies James approaching. 

“James,” she practically purrs when he reaches them. She takes his left hand in hers and turns to beam at her friends. “I told you he would be here.” 

“Right, sorry I’m a bit late. A couple boys were harassing some girls out by Zonko’s. I had to get involved,” he explains, then looks down and swallows hard when Penelope rests their joined hands high on her mostly bare thigh. 

“Well, better late than never, eh, Potter?” Atticus offers his hand for James to shake. “Good to see you.” 

“Hello, Atticus,” James says, and then shakes Everett’s proffered hand in turn. He smiles at Ophelia and Hester, hoping that they don’t offer the backs of their hands for him to kiss the way some pureblood women are raised to do. Luckily, they only smile back at him. 

“Tell me, Potter,” says Ophelia as she leans back into Everett’s chest, “how do you find having to defend those who should be able to defend themselves?”

“I don’t, really,” James says slowly, wondering what that has to do with anything. “The boys back there were at least three years older than the girls. Those girls didn’t know half the spells they knew. I don’t really see how you could expect them to defend themselves now. In a few years time, after they’re all NEWT-qualified, sure, but now with basically only half the skill and experience of those boys? No way.” 

The others laugh at his answer and James frowns when Penelope pats at his chest a bit condescendingly, he thinks. Then she threads the fingers of their joined hands together and pulls him a bit closer to her. Next to them, Atticus loops his arm around Hester’s waist. 

“James doesn’t mind playing the hero, though,” Penelope says, looking up at him with a placating smile. He only frowns down at her, confused about the entire situation he’s landed himself in and maybe a bit offended. “You know, Head Boy and all that. He’s always leaping to defend the defenseless.” 

“But isn’t the whole point of what we were just discussing that there should be no need for such action?” Atticus says. “If you can’t defend yourself, what should I risk my life defending you?”

“Well on that note, why did you mother bother to feed you when you were a child if you couldn’t just feed yourself?” James says hotly before he can stop himself. “Wouldn’t it have been easier for her to just let you handle it yourself or starve?” 

“That’s a completely unrelated scenario,” Everett says dismissively. “Parents have the responsibility, the obligation, to car for their children.” 

“Yes, they do. Just as we, the future of the wizarding world, have the responsibility to stand up for what’s right!” James insists, pulling his hand free from Penelope’s grasp to throw both of his hands up in disgust. “We have the obligation, you might say, to see ourselves and our peers into a better, more peaceful, and inclusive society. 

“You’re suggesting that we waste our time protecting muggleborns?” Ophelia asks. 

“I’m not saying you should stand in front of them and shield them from harm, but you should lend what support you can, yes. We all should.” 

“Look, I don’t fault them any for their existence,” Hester says, “but it’s a case of survival of the fittest, isn’t it?”

“Survival of the privileged, you mean,” James spits. He’s working himself up to raging and none of these fools can even see it coming. 

“I have no issue with muggleborns,” Penelope says in her husky voice, “but I’m not going to put my life on the line for a group of people who won’t stand up for themselves.” 

“They are standing up for themselves! They’re dying for it!” James feels a bit like his childhood cat, hissing mad and ready to claw the shit out of the next kid who tries to touch him. Except instead of kids he’s surrounded by privileged assholes and instead of touching him, they’re trying to argue with him on a topic about which he is passionately defensive. 

“And I should die with them? We’re purebloods, James. We’re safe by rite of birth. Why risk that?” Penelope asks, and quite suddenly not even her low-cut blouse or high hemline can make him attracted to her. 

“Because some things are worth dying for!” James says, shaking his head in disgust. “But I guess where you’re cowering behind your privileged backgrounds, none of you can see that.” 

James turns to flag down the barmaid, a pretty young woman named Rosmerta who has worked the counter ever since James can remember, and orders an Ogden’s Old. “Make it a double.” 

“A bit tetchy today,” Penelope says of him lightly, laughing to her friends. 

Rosmerta hands James his drink and he drops a few coins on the counter, then turns to leave. Penelope reaches for his hand again, but he shakes her off. “Where are you going?”

“This is clearly not going to work,” James says. 

“Why? Because I don’t share in your apparent death wish?” she asks, looking genuinely bewildered. 

“No,” James says shortly. “Because I can’t stand a coward.” 

Penelope gapes at him, clearly shocked at this turn of events, but James can’t be bothered to care. He storms away without a backward glance, downing half of his drink in one gulp and relishing in the burning heat it sends through his body. 

On his way to his friends’ table, James fishes a Galleon out of his pocket. Wordlessly on his way past, he drops it in front of Emmeline, who grins at him even as he doesn’t falter. 

“James!” Sirius says when he drops into the booth next to him. “What happened? You bombed it already?”

“Next time you prats get it in your heads to convince me to go out with a girl I don’t know, at least bother to figure out if you think I’ll even remotely get along with her first,” James says harshly and his friends all stop craning their necks to look over at Penelope’s little group at the counter. 

“Er – what happened?” Remus asks hesitantly, and James immediately launches into an animated and detailed explanation. 

“Moral of the story, boys?” he says when he’s finished, looking around at their shocked faces. 

“No meddling in your love life?” Peter suggests. 

“Fat chance,” Sirius scoffs into his butterbeer.

“How about next time you assholes try to set me up with someone, make damn sure she’s not a simpering coward because otherwise, I’ll hex the balls off all three of you,” James growls. “I don’t care how bloody fit she is.”  
____  
About a week after Halloween, James begins to really feel the strain of so much responsibility. With just over a month before Christmas Hols, professors are beginning to issue even heavier workloads. Over the course of two days, James has been assigned a lengthy essay in all seven of his classes. He spends his free periods when he isn’t patrolling the corridors working furiously to try to keep from falling behind on his assignments. 

Then there’s the matter of Quidditch practice. With two evening practices each week and one long practice every Sunday, he’s beginning to feel physically – not just mentally – drained. Gryffindor is playing Ravenclaw in just a matter of weeks, so James has to find time in his schedule to not only be able to attend extra practices, but to track down Madam Hooch and find out what slots are open for him to book the pitch. 

He’s also got Transfiguration tutoring taking up much of his time on Saturdays and Wednesday evenings, and at least one evening patrol each week. He’s really only supposed to have one evening patrol each week, but most weeks, he’s approached by at least one desperate prefect who is over-stressed and can’t get another prefect to cover their patrol, and can he please, please, please help them out; just last week, in fact, James was duped into taking three extra evening patrols. 

Not to mention he spends one night each month as a stag running through the Forbidden Forest with his best mates in an attempt to keep werewolf-Remus from harming himself. So really, James is just functioning in a constant state of exhaustion.

Not only that, but he’s also finding it challenging to constantly work in such close proximity to Lily Evans.

While the castle keeps track of the points the professors dock, automatically altering the amount of gems in the hourglasses, Prefects have to keep track of the points they dock, and report it to the Head Boy and Head Girl who, at the end of each week, have to sit down together to go through and accept or decline each docking. They then must tally the points and write a report to hand in to the Heads of Houses, detailing how many points were docked from their House and for what reasons, at which point the Heads of Houses may decline any dockings they do not deem fair or necessary. 

Additionally, Lily’s plan to switch patrol partners every week requires her and James to sit down and work out a new schedule every Sunday evening, which means that the two of them end up sitting alone together in the Prefects’ common room poring over Quidditch schedules and class schedules and writing patrol schedules, not to mention tallying up points and organizing detention slips to hand in to professors, and the weekly meetings they have to plan together. 

A year ago, James would have been thrilled to have the excuse to spend so much time alone with Lily. Now, though, it only adds more unneeded stress to his life. He’s pretty sure Lily is frustrated with him half the time, as well. He can’t blame her, really. She probably thinks he’s ducking out on her after every meeting because he still wants to avoid talking about last year.

Honestly, though, it isn’t even a matter of not wanting to discuss their situation anymore, but not having time to deal with it. He’s fairly certain that addressing the tension between them would make everything much more bearable.

Once or twice, he has actually attempted to sit down with her after a Prefect meeting or after they have finished writing the week’s patrol schedules to have it all out and move on. Each time, though, another Prefect or professor needing a chat with them has interrupted them. 

Looking up from the point deduction slips he has been tallying up while pretending to take notes for History of Magic, James glances over at Lily. He is only moderately surprised to find that, several seats to the right of him, Lily is already watching him. Hesitantly, he offers a tight-lipped smile and a small wave. Her eyes widen in surprise, but she nods at him, one corner of her mouth upturned in an awkward half-smile. 

After class, he tells himself determinedly, they will make time to talk. He’s got to patrol the halls for the first few minutes of free period, but so does Lily. Maybe they can patrol together instead of separately like they have been every time they’ve been paired up. 

Decided, he turns his attention back to the points spreadsheet in font of him, tuning out Professor Binns’s droll lecture. Peter takes the best History of Magic notes, anyway, so he’ll just copy them later, or he won’t copy them and he’ll just study with the lads when the exam approaches. 

Class ends and James packs his bag in a hurry and turns to see that Lily has already disappeared. 

“Damn,” he says, making his excuse to ditch Peter and Remus – Sirius is skiving off classes today. He practically runs out of the classroom, just barely catching sight of Lily’s deep auburn hair swinging just above her shoulders as she sets off toward the staircase with Emmeline and Marlene. “Evans!” 

Lily swings around at once, her eyes wide and mouth hanging open slightly as James shoves his way through the crowd after her. He can’t blame her for her shock; he hasn’t chased after her since their disastrous conversation outside the Great Hall last year. 

“Potter,” she says when he catches up, peering up at him through eyes that remind him of the Forbidden Forest: dark green, beautiful, tempting, and full of secrets he still wants to pick at even after all that’s happened.

“Off to patrol?” he asks, nodding his greeting for her friends, who are watching their interaction curiously. 

“No, actually,” Lily says. “I switched with Robbie yesterday because he had to meet with Flitwick during his free period.” She must see the frustrated disappointment on his face because she warily adds, “Did you need something?”

“Er – no. Just thought we could patrol together. Talk, you know? No big deal, though,” James says, hitching his bag more securely over his shoulder as he starts to turn away. “See you around.” 

“Wait!” Lily grabs his arm before he can go. “I can still… We can walk and talk.” 

“Yeah?” James says, eyeing her hand on his bare forearm. She drops her hand from him and James feels the loss of contact more acutely than he thinks can possibly be good for him. 

In answer, she turns to her friends. “I might catch up with you in the library in a little while.” 

James doesn’t miss the fact that she doesn’t give them a definite time frame in which to expect her anymore than he misses the suspicious glances that Emmeline and Marlene leave him with before they walk away.

“So…” Lily says when they find themselves more or less alone in the corridor. James turns to begin walking in the direction of the storage closets as illicit activity is more likely to occur there than in a classroom; Lily follows half a step behind him. “You wanted to talk… about Head duties or… not?”

James smiles ruefully as he recognizes his own words from the train. “Not.” 

Lily takes a deep breath and then huffs it out quickly. “Okay.” 

“We need to properly talk about what happened last year,” James says carefully; they certainly don’t want this conversation to be overheard. 

“Okay,” she says again and James turns his head to watch her nod firmly as she draws level with him. “I agree. Shall I start? It only seems fair since I am the one who cocked it all up.” 

“We both messed up, Lily,” James says, rubbing the back of his neck. “But okay, you start.” 

“Right. So, I was dishonest with myself and also with you for the better part of the second half of last year. See, I thought all I wanted was… physical… but then…” Lily trails off, searching for words. 

James stares at her, his feet coming to a sudden halt; that sounded like… well, the start to a different sort of conversation than he had in mind. He had imagined that they would both apologize and try to explain everything away as a series of stupid, hormonal mistakes. What Lily seems to have in mind, however, is more of an actual conversation. About feelings. His palms begin to slick with sweat as his heart pounds violently in his chest. He isn’t prepared for this. 

“Mr. Potter.” A familiar voice, usually more stern than the soft tone that calls to him now, makes both James and Lily jolt and swing around to find Professor McGonagall standing at the end of the corridor. Her normally cool eyes are touched with a hint of grief that makes James’s heart stutter. “May I have a word?” 

“I’m… I’m patrolling,” James says dumbly, staring at her with wide eyes. 

“I’m sure Miss Evans wouldn’t mind taking over from here.” 

Lily looks from James to Professor McGonagall. “No. I don’t mind.” 

She touches a soft hand to James’s shoulder and that’s when he sees it: the thick, black Ministry death notice clutched in Professor McGonagall’s left hand. He knows what it is because two years ago, Remy Gallagher received one. He left the next day to bury his mother and never returned to school. 

James’s mouth goes dry. He stand there watching Lily walk away from him, feeling for all the world like he would much rather be completely unprepared for a discussion of feelings with and for the Head Girl than to endure what Professor McGonagall is about to tell him, but he follows her steel-grey hair into the nearest unoccupied classroom anyway.  
____  
He and Sirius leave that afternoon to plan his parents’ funeral. 

James knew when he left them at the end of summer that his parents were getting on in years and having a rough time of it; they both had their bad days, but they both had their good days as well; days when they felt strong and able and whole.

Apparently, yesterday was one of those days. They had ventured into Diagon Alley and had stumbled right into the middle of a Death Eater attack. They hadn’t gone down without a fight, Professor McGonagall assured him – there was comfort and a certain amount of pride in that fact – but had fought bravely, valiantly. In the end, they had dispatched half a dozen Death Eaters, saved dozens of innocent lives, and lost their own. 

Euphemia and Fleamont Potter are buried in the family plot in Godric’s Hollow – the Potters haven’t lived in the Hollow for some centuries, but they are all laid to rest there. 

Remus and Peter are there for the funeral, along with what James assumes must be the entire Auror Department and half of the Healers from St. Mungo’s. Remus and Peter have to leave after the wake to get back to school, but James and Sirius both have a week off. Time enough, James is told by none other than the Minister of Magic himself, to set their affairs in order. 

There is no shortage of paperwork for James to sign. Among several other documents, he signs one authorizing the Gringotts goblins to transfer his parents’ fortune to his personal vault, one officially placing the Potter mansion and all other properties under James’s name, and one allowing the repurposing of his parents’ wands. 

There is also the matter of acquiring a flat of his own with Sirius because on their second night in the mansion alone, James tells Sirius that he will lose his mind if he has to spend another night with so many memories of his parents. The very next day, they go out and sign even more paperwork, hand over an obscene amount of money to a short, pudgy middle-aged muggle man, and walk away the distraught new renters of their very own flat overlooking muggle London. Four nights of a drunken stupor in their unfurnished flat makes for an uncomfortable and somewhat painful ride on the Knight’s Bus back to Hogsmeade.

It’s a Sunday afternoon when they return and the grounds are teeming with students, all of whom turn to stare when the gate opens just for James and Sirius to walk in. Lily is there, James notices, watching as he and Sirius trudge their way up toward the front steps to the castle. She’s sitting near the Black Lake, surrounded by a small group of Prefects – one of her so-called ‘casual hangouts,’ he assumes; it’s not an official meeting, but still a chance for the Prefects to air their grievances. 

A heavy arm drops over his shoulders and James tears his gaze away from Lily to find that Remus and Peter have joined them in their trek across the grounds. Remus is between him and Sirius, one arm slung bracingly over each of them, and Peter is walking backwards ahead of them. 

“You’re a godsend, Wormy,” Sirius says, grabbing one of two vials of murky grey Hangover Potion Peter is holding out to them. He downs the whole thing in one desperate gulp. James imagines he can feel Sirius’s disgusted shudder even through the buffer of Remus’s body as he reaches out to accept the other vial. 

“Putrid,” James says, wrinkling his nose as he uncorks the potion. He drinks it quickly and fights the urge to retch at the horrid taste. Barely a second later, his head stops pounding, his vision clears, his eyelids aren’t as heavy, and, if Sirius’s pallor is any indication, some color has returned to his face. “This is your best batch yet, Wormtail. Thanks.” 

“Actually…” Peter hesitates, looks briefly at Remus, who shrugs, and then shifts uncomfortably, turning so that he is walking next to James rather than facing him as they mount the castle steps. “Lily made it.” 

James turns his head, hoping to get one more glance of her, but his view of the Black Lake is gone. “Did you ask her to?”

“No,” Remus says. “We didn’t even think of it, actually. She just came up to us about an hour ago before her session started, handed us these vials, and said you two would probably need it.” 

“Well, cheers to Evans,” Sirius says, lifting his empty vial in salute. He pauses on the main staircase up to Gryffindor Tower and begins sniffing the air. The others stop as well and turn to watch him. Suddenly, he turns to look at James, a look of horror marring his handsome face. “Is that stench coming from us?” 

Remus laughs, his arm falling from James’s shoulder as he wheezes for breath – the full moon is only a few days away and already taking its toll on him, James remembers. “I wasn’t going to comment, but…” 

“Yes,” Peter says firmly. “You both reek.” 

“Bollocks.” James lifts his arm to sniff himself and grimaces. “I guess four days of a drunk gives you more than just a hangover.” 

“Especially if you forget to shower,” Peter says.

“Well, we didn’t have any towels in the new flat,” James says defensively. 

“Or beds or chairs or dishes or a couch,” Sirius adds contemplatively. “Really, all we had was Firewhisky.” 

“Wait, what new flat?” Remus interrupts. 

“Oh, didn’t we mention?” Sirius says with a smile that is a shadow of his usual carefree grin. “We got a flat.”  
____  
James doesn’t resume Head Boy duties that night, instead opting to track down Damocles Belby on Monday morning on his way down to breakfast. Damocles, Remus had informed James last night, had been acting as Head Boy in his absence and hadn’t been doing a very good job of it. 

“Constantly complaining, the great prat,” Remus had told him. “Lily wanted to kill him, you could just see it on her face.” 

“Thank Merlin you’re back,” Damocles says when he sees James approaching. “I’ll be honest, I was a bit disappointed when I didn’t get the badge this summer, but now I’ve had a taste of it, I must say I’m glad I don’t have to be Head Boy any longer. It’s nearly impossible to find enough hours in the day, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it can be.” His smile is stretched thin over lips that are unused to smiling lately and he can tell from the awkward expression on Damocles’s face that it obviously looks forced, so he lets it fall from his face. 

“Right,” Damocles says, looking regretful now. “Listen, Potter… About what happened, if you need to talk about it…” 

“I’m fine,” James says a bit more firmly than he intended. “But thank you. If you don’t mind, I’ll just take those point deductions and detention forms off your hands. I’m famished for breakfast.” 

“Of course!” Damocles reaches into his bag and pulls out a thick stack of slips that the Prefects refer to as D-and-Ds. He hesitates when he sees James’s raised eyebrows. “Er -there’s been a bit of an upswing in misconduct the past week. Did you need a copy of the patrol schedules as well?”

“No, thank you. I got them off Remus last night.” He takes the stack from Damocles, slips them into his bag, and nods appreciatively at the other boy. “Thank you for stepping up for me while I was gone.” 

“Of course, Potter. You would do it for any one of us, I know.” Damocles says just as one of his friends calls his name from inside the Great Hall. “Listen, it’s good to have you back! Let me know if there is anything you need.” 

“Have a good day, Damocles,” James says and they both head into the Great Hall, splitting off to head for their own tables. 

It’s early yet, so there aren’t too many people in the Great Hall – the Gryffindor table is all but empty, which James doesn’t mind one bit. He’s got quite a bit of work to catch up on and the fewer people around to distract him, the better. Deciding not to push his luck when he sees Penelope Greyson eyeing him from the Ravenclaw table and looking like she wants to speak with him, James grabs a stack of toast, an apple, and a large pile of sausage, wrapping the food carefully in a large napkin and securing it in his bag before he heads right back out of the Great Hall. 

He winds up in the Prefect’s common room as he figures it to be his best bet at solitude. To his surprise, someone is already sitting at the center of the single long table, rich auburn hair pouring over her face as she hunches over a report. Lily looks up when he pulls out the chair across from her, eyes widening in surprise when she sees who has joined her. 

“Morning,” he says after the briefest awkward moment. She replies in kind, her voice soft and hushed, as James hefts his bag onto the chair next to him. He withdraws the food he took from the Great Hall and sets it in the middle of the table. “Breakfast?” 

Lily hesitates, then grabs the apple from the pile. James doesn’t mind that it’s the only one – he doesn’t even particularly like apples or know why he grabbed it. “Thanks.”

James nods, already rummaging through his bag; a second later, he pulls out his own stack of D-and-Ds. He sighs, eyes Lily over the table, and asks, “Care to tell me what the hell happened here?” 

She looks up, sees that his pile rivals hers in size, and her face falls. 

“After news hit of what happened last week in Diagon Alley, our push for unity just sort of… crumbled. It’s not just Slytherins vs Gryffindors anymore. There seem to be little sects in each House of people who were just waiting for something to happen. Even a lot of the purebloods who I know don’t support what happened have stopped sticking up for muggleborns. Everyone’s afraid of what will happen if they do.” 

“What’s being done about it?” James asks.

Lily lifts a shoulder in a helpless sort of shrug. “I don’t know. I had a meeting with Professor Dumbledore on Friday and he basically told me that it’s out of our hands. Things have escalated so badly that he can’t in good conscience rely on us to be the ones who deal with it all, so the unification front is now more on the professors than on us.” 

“Blood hell.” James is not surprised to see that Lily looks as downtrodden as he feels. They did, after all, both independently think up the same plan for the unification of the houses. This feels a lot like failure. Both are silent for a moment before James sighs. “And what about the patrol schedules? I noticed we’ve started sticking to our classmates within our own houses.” 

“Oh, well.” Lily drops her gaze to the worn quill in her hand, looking even more defeated than before. “I don’t think my plan to diversify worked out very well. I realized a pattern last week. Know how lately we’ve both been having to cover a lot of patrols?”

James nods, a bit reluctant to hear her discovery. 

“Well, they’re only switching on certain partners.” Lily pauses for a minute to shuffle through her own back, then pulls out another piece of parchment, which she passes to him across the table. It reads: 

Gryffindor:  
Seventh Year – James Potter  
Lily Evans  
Remus Lupin  
Sixth Year – Martin Shore  
Mary Bradshaw  
Fifth Year – Garrett King  
Janice Lopez  
Ravenclaw:  
Seventh Year – Damocles Belby  
Dana Howell  
Sixth Year – Robbie Jones  
Margaret Brantley  
Fifth Year – Devyn Thomas  
Amelia Bones  
Hufflepuff:  
Seventh Year – Theon Ramsay  
Emma Johnson  
Sixth Year – Andrew Davis  
Brie Holmes  
Fifth Year – Nick Proud  
Hannah Sellers  
Slytherin:  
Seventh Year – Rick Havershom  
Andrea Maelstrom  
Sixth Year – Alec Stone  
Samantha Garrisson  
Fifth Year – Jonathan Danzey  
Sarah Danzey

There are a confusing number of lines drawn connecting names, little x’s through some, and no small amount of scratch-outs. He raises an eyebrow at her and she takes the parchment back from him on an annoyed huff.

“Robbie won’t patrol with Garrett, Theon won’t be partnered with Amelia, Brie isn’t even pretending that she’s not avoiding Remus, Alec can’t stand Dana, and Hannah is the only one who hasn’t switched on Nick.” 

“How did I not glean that from your frenzied scribbles?” James says and is awarded an eye-roll for his sarcasm. He gestures to the stack of D-and-Ds in front of him and asks, “Is it due to more of this... political disagreement? Or do they just not get along?” 

“I think some of it is related to what’s happening outside of Hogwarts,” Lily says, folding up her list and shoving it back in her bag. “But mostly I think they just don’t get along. Nick certainly isn’t a xenocidal maniac; he’s just incredibly annoying. Theon doesn’t like Amelia because she gave his little sister a detention and refused to throw it out. Alec may dislike Dana for her parentage, but he’s never been daft enough to be rude to me for mine, so I can’t say for certain. Remus and Brie, well, that’s really no mystery, is it? And as for Robbie and Garrett, I have no idea what’s going on there. Garrett’s a sweetheart and Robbie doesn’t seem to have an issue with anyone else.” 

“Robbie used to date one of Garrett’s best friends, Sasha, you know? But they broke up about a month ago and Robbie’s been a bit sensitive over the whole matter,” James says, then shoves an entire piece of toast into his mouth at once. 

Lily watches him for a moment with an expression of mixed fascination and repulsion before she shakes her head and takes a decidedly dainty bite of her apple. “How do you know that?” 

“Pete keeps us all very well informed on school gossip,” James says once he manages to swallow his toast. They watch each other across the table for a second and then James sighs and fetches a quill and inkpot from his bag. “All right. Let’s see what these idiots have been up to.” 

After half an hour of sorting through his half of the week’s D-and-D’s, James is feeling both depressed and annoyed. On the one hand, he’s got such awful reports to file as Andrew Davis’s account of a skirmish between a fifth-year Hufflepuff and a group of older Slytherins and Ravenclaws, which landed the Hufflepuff boy in the Hospital Wing for three nights. On the other hand, he’s got Sarah Danzey’s write-up of a first year Gryffindor girl who she caught moments after curfew trying to get back to Gryffindor Tower after spending the evening with her older sister in Ravenclaw Tower. 

Finally, James comes across one that makes him laugh. 

“What is it?” Lily asks immediately before James can stifle his laughter. Clearly, she is eager for another break from this depressing task because she waits, reaching for a bit of sausage while he gets himself under control. 

“Remus,” he finally chokes out, shaking his head. When Lily only looks more curious, James hands her the write-up. “He wrote up Peter.” 

“Peter Pettigrew, the disgrace of House Gryffindor, was caught shirtless, snoring like an ancient one, chocolate smearing his face, surrounded by clearly stolen sweets wrappers. This rat stands accused of littering, noise complaint, and theft of his best mate’s secret stash. Also, he farts in his sleep. A suitable punishment would be expulsion,” Lily reads aloud, giggling a bit as she finishes up and hands the write-up back to James. “It’s clearly a joke, but it’s a good one.” 

“Only half a joke, I think,” James says, tossing the write-up in his small discard pile. “Pete likely did just what he said, and Rem is very territorial over his chocolate stash. Not to mention, he has a tendency to get a bit tetchy at times.” 

“Well, he’s got good reason,” Lily says. James eyes her suspiciously; Lily holds his gaze, a somber expression on her face. Then, she smiles teasingly and tosses a bit of toast at his face. “He’s got chocolate-thieving sleep-farters for roommates.” 

The laugh bursts out of him quite unexpectedly and he shakes his head emphatically. “Not me! I’ll have you know I stopped farting in my sleep back in second year. Through a strict diet and exercise regimen, I was able to kick the habit. Quidditch really helped there.” 

“Bullshit,” Lily snorts. James retorts by throwing a whole piece of sausage at her, grinning when it goes in her shirt. For a moment, Lily looks angry as she digs the greasy food from her bra, then she laughs when she spots James’s grin. “You’re lucky I find you so cute, Potter.” 

Her comment registers at the same time for both of them; their grins slide off their faces like Stinksap. The flirty, easygoing atmosphere is immediately replaced by the familiar awkwardness they have endured all year as they both stare at each other uncertainly. 

For the first time all week, James thinks back to the conversation they were trying to have when Professor McGonagall interrupted them. If he remembers correctly, which he may or may not – the whole past week is a bit of a blur for him –, Lily seemed to have been preparing to confess some sort of feelings for him. He opens his mouth to say – something – when Lily cuts him off. 

“We shouldn’t,” she says, looking down at her hands briefly before forcing herself to look back up at him. “Talk about it, I mean. Not now. You’ve got so much already on your mind. This can wait. This should wait.” 

James can’t decide if he thinks it would be better if the conversation were had now or later, and his indecision tells him that she is probably right: it should wait. He nods and they fall into awkward silence, returning to their D-and-Ds. 

“Hey, Evans?” he says after a moment. Lily looks up and James doesn’t meet her gaze as he runs his quill through his fingers. “Why did you give Peter that Hangover Potion for Sirius and me? I mean, how did you know we’d need it?” 

Lily is silent for a moment and James glances up to see that she is absent-mindedly scribbling on her parchment, a somber expression on her face. “Because… when my father died, I got completely bladdered. Never felt so ill in my life as I did the next day, and that was after only one night of it.” 

“I’m sorry,” James says, watching her as she continues scratching random marks onto the parchment in front of her. “I didn’t know… When did he die?” 

There is another moment of silence, and James thinks for a minute that she may get up and leave, but then she seems to decide that she wouldn’t mind talking about it. “Last year. Right before end of term.” She doesn’t look up at him, but James can tell from her distant tone that her face is carefully blank. “He was really sick all year. I knew it was going to happen. I was having a rough time of it for a while.”

And had used him as a distraction, he realizes. For the most fleeing moment, he is angry with her all over again, but then he remembers that she lost her father. Right around the time they got into that awful row. All at once, the anger drains out of him and he feels ill and… somewhat guilty. 

“I didn’t know,” he says hoarsely.

“I didn’t tell you,” she says simply, finally meeting his gaze. “It’s not your fault. I should have told you instead of…” she trails off and swears. “We weren’t supposed to do this right now.” 

Neither of them speaks for a while, both pretending to sort through their D-and-Ds but not really doing anything. 

“Sorry about your dad,” James finally says. 

“Thanks,” Lily says. “Sorry about your parents.” 

For the next hour before their first lesson of the day, they work in silence. James doesn’t think either one of them was actually talking about their parents when they exchanged apologies, but he thinks they’re both okay with that. 

“Hey, Evans,” he says as they walk out the door to head to Defense Against the Dark Arts. 

“Yes, Potter?” Lily says softly. 

Thanks for not forcing the conversation, he wants to say. Thanks for letting me laugh with you for a minute there. And you look very pretty, by the way. He wants to say all of that, but he knows he can’t. He shakes his head.

“Thanks for the potion,” he says, but he’s not really talking about Hangover Potion any more than they were actually talking about their parents. 

She looks at him, all soft green eyes, and smiles, he thinks she understands. “Anytime, Potter.”  
____  
About a week before Christmas Hols, James nearly kills a bloke. He is just leaving his Transfiguration final to head down to the Quidditch pitch for one last practice before the match against Ravenclaw on Saturday when someone trips and falls into him. Instinctively, he reaches out and catches the person before they fall to the ground, surprised to find his hands on Lily’s waist. At first, he thinks it was an accident. Then, he recognizes the angry look on her face. 

“You okay?” He starts to pull his hands away from her waist, but someone else deliberately shoves him in the back and it’s his turn to stumble. Still holding Lily around the waist, he catches his balance on the stone wall to his left. The breath leaves his lungs when Lily subsequently falls against his chest. 

“Still pining after this Mudblood, Potter?” A cold, taunting voice asks. Lily stiffens in his arms when James turns to scowl at Trevor Mackey, one of a small group of Slytherins who seems to have followed him and Lily out of the Transfiguration classroom. He shifts so that Lily is behind him; immediately, Lily steps forward so that she is level with him and James scowls. 

“What a waste of perfectly pure blood,” Amber Cartwright says haughtily, her eyes trailing James’s body appraisingly. 

He ignores her, focusing instead on the third Slytherin cornering them, a truly awful boy named Fletcher Anders, whose wand is drawn. 

“Unfortunate,” Anders says, stalking slowly forward, “that he’ll likely go the same way as his parents. A disgrace to the wizarding world, the whole Potter family. Wait, you are the whole Potter family now, aren’t you?”

Something in James snaps. In an instant, his wand is in his hand and, with a quick flick of his wrist, Anders’s wand is on the opposite end of the corridor, his back is to the wall, and James’s wand tip is digging into the soft flesh of his neck. 

The corridor goes completely still and silent, but James doesn’t even notice. He leans in close to Anders’s ear and speaks in a low growl.

“My parents were old and ill and they still managed to kill six of your kind before they went down. I’m neither old nor ill and you’re just one idiot asshole.” 

In a surprising show of wisdom, Anders says nothing, but the fear flashing in his eyes makes James grin, slow and wide and feral. 

“Oh, you’re terrified of me. Good call.” 

“Everyone clear out!” Lily suddenly calls in a commanding tone, snapping James to attention. He looks around to find that she’s a bit winded, but she’s got her wand drawn on Cartwright and Mackey. There is a small crowd around the five of them and Lily glares around at all of the bystanders. “Now! Not you two.” 

Cartwright and Mackey, both a bit bloody in the face, slump back against the wall several meters down from James and Anders. Anders shifts a bit and James turns his attention back to him, his wand pressing even further into his throat; Anders flinches as James glares at him. 

“James, stop,” Lily says softy and she’s right next to him. She puts a hand on his back. “This isn’t how we handle things.” 

“Did you hear what he said?” James says, still glaring into Anders’ wide, terrified, dark brown eyes set deep in his pale white face. 

“Yes, I did,” Lily says and her hand travels up his back to his shoulder. “It was awful, but you’re not fifteen anymore, James. You don’t have to use your wand for everything.” 

“You want me to just let him go, give him a detention, dock a few points?” James says. His wand must press forward because Anders jolts a bit and his eyes snap shut as a whimper escapes his throat. “If this were a year from now, he wouldn’t just be flinging insults, he’d be trying to kill us.” 

“Well, a year from now, I won’t stop you from doing what you must. But today, we are students at Hogwarts. You are Head Boy and he is nothing but an ignorant child. Today, we’re going to give him detention, we’re going to dock points, we’re going to write a report, and I am going to personally hand that report to Professor Slughorn and he is going to have several long words with his students.” Lily’s hand trails lightly down his wand arm to circle his wrist. “Lower your wand, James.” 

James turns his head to look at her and is immediately swallowed up in the forest of her eyes. She is looking back at him, but her wand is still trained on Cartwright and Mackey and James has no doubt that if they so much as flinch, she is prepared to hex them. The instant he lowers his wand, Lily’s hand still encircling his wrist, Anders ducks out from under James’s arm with something that sounds a bit like a sob. 

“Ten points each from Slytherin and a detention a piece for attacking your classmates,” Lily says firmly. “I can assure you that Professor Slughorn will have a more severe punishment for you as well when I inform him that you attacked his favorite student. Now retrieve your wands and run before I change my mind and help the Head Boy send you all to St. Mungo’s.” 

As soon as he hears three sets of footsteps scurrying away, James all but collapses into Lily. The sobs that wrack his body take him by surprise, but Lily’s arms encircle him even as she maneuvers him a bit down the hall and into an empty classroom. Once she’s got the door locked behind them, she falters under his weight and they slide to the floor. 

“Oh, love, have you cried yet for them?” Lily says, her voice soft and quiet and very near his ear. Her hands go to his hair when he shakes his head and she draws his head down to rest on her chest, smoothing his hair and making soft, comforting noises as he cries on her. 

“It’s not all right,” she whispers, her voice very close to breaking. “I know it’s not all right, but you’re not alone with it. I’m here.” 

He doesn’t know how long they stay there, but they are still wrapped around each other long after his sobs have stopped echoing in the classroom. He lifts his head from Lily’s chest to see soft, warm, sweet eyes watching him. 

Trying to disguise his acute embarrassment, James sits up straight and scoots away from her a bit. Resigned, he lifts his robe to wipe his face; there really is no dignified way to wipe tears and snot from your face. 

“Er – sorry,” he says, his voice rough from his sobs. “I didn’t mean to lose it like that.” 

He doesn’t know if he’s apologizing for nearly killing Fletcher Anders or for sobbing all over her for several long minutes. Maybe both. He’s not sure it really matters. 

Lily shakes her head and lifts a hand to his cheek. He turns his face into her warmth. Belatedly, he realizes that she’s wiping away a few tears he missed. 

“Feel free to cry on me any time,” Lily says in an attempt at a light voice. It really isn’t funny, and they both know it, but James forces himself to laugh anyway. He can’t stand the tension in the room. “James, I want you to know that you can talk to me. About anything. You parents. What happened last year. Even if it’s not what I want it to be, we can talk about last year.” 

“Lily.” 

“I’m not saying now. We don’t have to talk about it now,” she says quickly. “But I’m just saying that whenever you feel ready to talk about it, we can.” 

“All right,” he says. “Thanks.” 

They’re staring at each other again; sometimes he thinks all they do is stare at each other these days. He’s sure his eyes are red and probably still full of tears, but hers are, too, and he wonders if she’s a sympathetic crier or if she was crying for her father while he was crying for his parents. Or maybe she was crying for them, for what they went through last year, for what it could have been, and what it ended up being. 

He’s not sure how it happens, but suddenly they aren’t staring at each other anymore and the small distance he put between them is gone and Lily is kneeling with her knees on either side of his lap and her hands are under his shirt and in his hair and everywhere at once. His glasses are askew on his face and his tongue is in her mouth and holy fuck did he miss the taste of her. His hands are under her skirt and on her chest and tugging at her knickers. She moans into his mouth and his fingers are slick with her desire and he realizes just what they’re doing all at once. 

He shoves her away from him rougher than he intends and it’s desire mixed with a bit of anger than has him panting and staring at her through wide eyes. She falls flat on her ass with a small “oomph!” and stares back at him. 

Her eyes widen and her hands come up to her mouth when she realizes what just happened. Her eyes turn glassy and she gasps and shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I messed up. I moved too soon. I didn’t mean to.”

“Please, this is exactly what you wanted,” James accuses. It’s irrational, probably, but he’s suddenly more than a little angry; he’s livid, and maybe a bit embarrassed still on top of that. “You always did exactly this last year. You’d mess with my head a bit and then use me to fill some void in your life.” 

“Use you?” Lily says, offended, and the tears that sprang to her eyes when he shoved her away begin to fall. “I don’t recall you ever complaining when your dick was wet.” 

“You’re crazy if you think I’m going to let you use my feelings for you against me again,” James says, completely ignoring her last point because she’s right and he doesn’t want to acknowledge any valid points she may have at the moment.

“I’m not using you!” Lily shouts, tears thick in her voice and on her face. 

James shoves to his feet and throws his arms wide to indicate the room they are in. “No? Well, then tell me why we’re once again in a completely isolated space and you’re showing me the only affection you have all year!” 

“Well, for fuck’s sake.” Lily scurries to her feet, hands on her hips in an attempt to look intimidating, but tears are still streaming down her face and James absolutely dwarfs her, so the effect is lost on him. “Are we supposed to fuck in front of a crowd?” 

“No, of course not! But, damn it, Lily, sex isn’t the only kind of affection you can show a person!” He throws his hands up and turns away from her, pacing in front of her. “When it’s the only time you ever touch me or have a soft word for me, that’s when it’s clear that you’re using me!” 

“I am not using you,” Lily repeats, tears thick in her voice and on her face. “I maybe did a bit last year, but I didn’t mean to! I wasn’t thinking! I’m sorry.” 

James doesn’t acknowledge her for a moment, too focused on trying to calm himself. After a moment, he shakes his head, trying in vain to clear it, and turns to her. “Lily, I told you on the train last year I can’t do this again.” 

“I made a mistake, James.” Her voice is quiet again, and James refuses the thought that she sounds broken. “What, you’ve never made a mistake?” 

Even in his anger, James can’t pretend that he’s never made a mistake. He’s James Potter, after all, and everyone knows that he’s got a plethora of huge mistakes under his belt. 

“Fuck. Fuck! Fucking hell!” he shouts, slamming his hand down on a desk and ignoring the way Lily jumps. He takes a quick breath and forces himself to speak more calmly. “I can’t do this. I don’t actually know how late I am for Quidditch practice, but I’m sure I’ve set a new goal with it. The team will be so impressed with their captain. I’ve got to go.” 

“James, please.” 

And now it’s Lily’s sobs echoing in the empty classroom as he storms out, but he tries to convince himself that he can’t be fucked to care.  
____

The next day, James hears his name being called in the Entrance Hall on the way to breakfast. A quick glance over his shoulder confirms that Lily Evans is hurrying along behind him; he doesn’t wait for her and ignores her when she calls his name a second time. She catches up to him as he’s entering the Great Hall, but James shakes off the hand she places on his arm, narrowly missing whacking his broomstick on the doorframe as he does so – after a disastrous practice the previous afternoon, James called an emergency practice for today. He has ten minutes before he has to be on the pitch and he’s not interested in being late again. 

“James Potter, don’t you dare walk away from me! I am trying to talk to you!” Lily says loudly. 

The Hall goes silent. No one knows exactly what has transpired between them, but everyone suspects something and the cautious way they have interacted in public thus far this year has not gone unnoticed. Everyone has been waiting for some sort of explosion. 

“Why? What is so important that you have to say to me right now?” James stops in the middle of the room and turns to her with a sigh. Her unexpected proximity has him drawing back just a bit, but she follows him, not lessening the space between them, but eradicating it. 

And there, in the middle of the Great Hall, in front of the entire school, Lily Evans kisses James Potter. It is hot and it is fierce and James actually fears for a moment that he will faint from the overwhelming amount of emotion Lily is pouring into him. Her hands fist in his Quidditch jersey and in his hair and James angles his head just slightly to make it easier on her. 

“I’m in love with you, you bloody fool.” Her eyes are narrowed in sincerity, her lip trembling as she stares up at him. Her breath hitches and her mouth opens as if to say something, but closes resolutely almost immediately. She drops her gaze from his and it isn’t until James feels her hands sliding away from him that he realizes his hands haven’t moved from his sides and he is still clutching his broomstick; he barely responded to her kiss at all, and now he can’t seem to make himself respond to her words either.

Lily stands there a moment longer, waiting, her gaze still downturned. He can see the insecurity and the doubt and the humiliation on her flaming face, and he wants to say something, but can’t. After a long, awkward pause, she lifts her chin, meets his gaze with steely resolve visible in her teary eyes, and turns to walk, straight-backed and proud, from the silent, gaping Hall. Even the professors at the Head Table are staring in surprise. 

For a long moment, James is frozen in place, staring after her. Then he springs into action. Thougtlessly, he throws his broomstick down, a first, and leaps forward to cover the short distance she has put between them. When he grabs her around the waist, she spins around and the vulnerable look on her face has his insides turning to mush. 

His hands slide up from her waist to cup her face and his mouth descends on hers as her arms encircle his waist and pull their bodies as close together as possible. He kisses her long and tenderly, more tenderly than he has ever been allowed to kiss her in the past. It is far from the most intense kiss they have shared, but it is definitely his favorite so far. 

When they pull apart, they are both grinning. Gryffindor table erupts into raucous applause, and several students from the other houses join in; James and Lily’s first public kiss has been long-awaited by more than just Gryffindor House, after all. 

He thinks he’s made it pretty clear to her, but just for good measure, James bends to bring his mouth near her ear so that she can hear him over the deafening din. “I’m in love with you, too. Have been for a long time.” 

Lily buries her face in James’s chest and he catches sight of his mates over her head. Sirius is standing in the center of the table shooting off red and gold sparks towards the ceiling with his wand, Peter is bouncing in his seat, cheering louder than anyone else, and Remus is grinning wider than James has ever seen him. 

“You want to get out of here?” James asks Lily quietly.

“After all this fuss about public displays of affection, you want to go be private,” Lily teases him. He grins and brushes her hair out of her face. 

“Well, there’s something I wanted almost as much as publicity last year,” James reminds her. She looks genuinely confused and it’s so adorable that James can’t help but kiss her briefly on the lips. “A bed.” 

The smile that spreads across her face mirrors his own as she back out of his arms to take his hand in her own. “Yes, I seem to recall a conversation about a bed.”

“And how do you feel about that?” James asks. 

“I’m amenable,” she says with a casual shrug. But the way that her hand tightens on his as she turns to lead him from the Great Hall suggests that she is just as eager as he. 

Later, when they are curled around each other in his bed and neither of them has a clue where their clothes are, Lily tilts her head to place an open-mouthed kiss in the hollow beneath his ear. He thought he was completely sated, but when he tongue flicks out to tickle his earlobe, he begins to second-guess himself. 

Lily shifts so that she is straddling him with their bare chests pressed together. “James,” she says in a low, husky voice. 

“Yes, love?” he gasps as she lifts her hips to bring him into her. His hands fly to her hips as she straightens over him.

“You’re very late for Quidditch again.” They both burst into hysterics. 

All of the stress of the last few months melts away when he is in Lily’s arms. He is sure that he will be exhausted and stressed and short-tempered and over-worked again quite soon, but at the moment, he can put all of his other responsibilities aside and lose himself in loving her. 

Lily Evans is fire. It’s in her hair, her heart, her eyes, and her veins; it simply makes up her entire being, and James knows his father -- God rest his soul -- would approve whole-heartedly of the woman who has captured his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s all, folks! It’s finally officially over. Do you remember when this story was supposed to be 2 chapters and a max of 15k words? I sure as hell do.  
> Again, I just want to apologize for the wait; when I write multi-chapter stories I tend to lose focus and wander away from them for a while. With my attention span, I’m definitely better suited to oneshots. Alas, my oneshots always morph into fifty thousand word stories, which definitely require multiple chapters. This one in particular really got away from me and I think it may have overwhelmed me that it wasn’t going to plan, so much so that I had to step away for a year and a half.  
> For any of you who follow me or are interested in following me, don’t be afraid of my uploading schedule for any future stories I may post. I have a new (to me) and foolproof method for keeping on schedule called “prewrite the whole damn thing and edit as you post.”  
> Thank you to all of you who stuck with me and didn’t abandon this story even though you probably thought I did. I really appreciate each and every one of you who read this story. And welcome and thank you to anyone who only just found it.  
> Sending love and thoughts of peace and safety to you all!  
> If you want to follow me on tumblr, I’m jamespotterismyhomeboy. I reblog a lot of Jily posts and general Harry Potter things, and recently I’ve been posting some fun little headcanons.  
> That’s it, guys! That’s all I’ve got for you. I hope to have another new story posted relatively soon! In the meantime, feel free to come visit me on tumblr. I seem to be there a lot lately. : )

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I did another Jily thing!  
> This one is going to be (probably) two parts. Maybe three, but most likely two.  
> And the good news is that part two is about 85% done so it shouldn't be too long before an update!  
> I hope you guys liked it and will stick around to see it finished! :)  
> Let me know what you think!  
> My tumblr for those interested: jamespotterismyhomeboy.tumblr.com


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